dude gets vasectomy

jhv · 01-29-2009, 08:41 AM

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html

MCS · 01-29-2009, 08:45 AM

Dude,

This story is sort of sad...

All parties involved got literally and figuratively screwed

MadDog · 01-29-2009, 08:46 AM

Vasectomies do reverse themselves. It still could have been his. Nice story though.

tweak84 · 01-29-2009, 11:08 AM

i liked it, crazy bitch got what she deserved...he prob shouldve just come right out and told her that he had it done but whatev, just shows the type of person she really was.

Crimson92 · 01-29-2009, 11:13 AM

nice

Hawkeye · 01-29-2009, 11:15 AM

Haha, that is awesome!

silvergray545 · 01-29-2009, 11:32 AM

hahaha i wanna get snipped just to be able to do that one day

jj thumper · 01-29-2009, 11:36 AM

Shocking! A girl lying about having sex with another guy?!! I didn’t think that happened.

All whores but our mothers. Great story.

Kensta335 · 01-29-2009, 11:37 AM

haha bitch got what she deserved.

'Cane · 01-29-2009, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadDog

Vasectomies do reverse themselves. It still could have been his. Nice story though.

Except in his case, he had medical proof that he was sterile.

MadDog · 01-29-2009, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 'Cane

Except in his case, he had medical proof that he was sterile.

The "Medical proof" would only be valid if he was tested AFTER the girl got pregnant. The story wasn't quite clear when he was tested.

In any case, a DNA test would have proved fatherhood.

dr.jay · 01-29-2009, 11:58 AM

Man that is awesome, bitch got owned

akack79 · 01-29-2009, 12:26 PM

Bitch got

.

Jet335i · 01-29-2009, 12:47 PM

almost sounds like a tucker max-type story....haha that guy had a lot of patience.

DougLikesBMW · 01-29-2009, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hawkeye

Haha, that is awesome!

+1 Brilliant!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jet335i

almost sounds like a tucker max-type story....haha that guy had a lot of patience.

+ infinity

Year's_End · 01-29-2009, 01:21 PM

i just found this. the teabaggage serves as a metaphor for the ownage this guy just pulled. if only i could find a pic that showed the face of satisfaction.

krote345 · 01-29-2009, 03:34 PM

Normally I'd feel bad for the woman but she got what was coming to her. Nice to see the guy come out on top of this situation.

Definitely feel bad for the kid though. Has a crazy ass mom and the dad is either non-existent or a washed up musician. Rough.

Revlis · 01-29-2009, 03:39 PM

It's pathetic and most likely fictional. If not then we now have a perfect model for the misogynistic douche...

You think this guy is cool, story clever? Then you really need to look into yourself as well, cause it's an ugly place devoid of genuine thought, emotion, love, or anything even sorta positive.

Basically every single thing about this guy is ugly.

Year's_End · 01-29-2009, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revlis

It's pathetic and most likely fictional. If not then we now have a perfect model for the misogynistic douche...

You think this guy is cool, story clever? Then you really need to look into yourself as well, cause it's an ugly place devoid of genuine thought, emotion, love, or anything even sorta positive.

Basically every single thing about this guy is ugly.

the bitch tried to get some money outta the guy for getting preggers with another guy. he has every right to own her face.

darkphantom · 01-29-2009, 03:42 PM

good riddens to that biatch...she got what she deserved! (in this story ofcourse)

nmulax · 01-29-2009, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Revlis

It's pathetic and most likely fictional. If not then we now have a perfect model for the misogynistic douche...

You think this guy is cool, story clever? Then you really need to look into yourself as well, cause it's an ugly place devoid of genuine thought, emotion, love, or anything even sorta positive.

Basically every single thing about this guy is ugly.

The guy was cheated on, lied to, and had he not had the surgery he would have been roped into supporting/raising a child that wasn't his. Sure, he acted like a bit of an ass by rubbing it in her face at the end; but nothing he did was out of line.

DougLikesBMW · 01-29-2009, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nmulax

The guy was cheated on, lied to, and had he not had the surgery he would have been roped into supporting/raising a child that wasn't his. Sure, he acted like a bit of an ass by rubbing it in her face at the end; but nothing he did was out of line.

+1 Pull that dildo outta your ass, Revlis.

01-29-2009, 08:41 AM	#1
jhv Lieutenant General 1699 Rep 17,304 Posts Drives: G80 M3 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Los Angeles iTrader: (1)	dude gets vasectomy - ownage ensues Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless. Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company. I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl. We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully. Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity. At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri. So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it. Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically. It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready. I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared. She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?" Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper. I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately. I tell her simply, "You're screwed". Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared. I continue. "I am sterile" Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it." I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine." This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes." I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine." I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing. I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing. Epilogue - I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women. The Moral of the Story - Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html
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01-29-2009, 08:45 AM	#2
MCS e90 newbie 35 Rep 448 Posts Drives: 2012 M3 E93 Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Northern NJ iTrader: (2) Garage List 2006 330i [0.00]	Dude, This story is sort of sad... All parties involved got literally and figuratively screwed __________________ E93 IL Blue M3 ZPP, ZCW
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01-29-2009, 08:46 AM	#3
MadDog Careful, I Bite..... 153 Rep 504 Posts Drives: 2006 325i Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: S.F. Bay Area iTrader: (0) Garage List 2006 325i [7.50]	Vasectomies do reverse themselves. It still could have been his. Nice story though.
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01-29-2009, 11:08 AM	#4
tweak84 i shake a lot 72 Rep 108 Posts Drives: 07 Z4M 17 X5M Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Wisconsin iTrader: (1)	i liked it, crazy bitch got what she deserved...he prob shouldve just come right out and told her that he had it done but whatev, just shows the type of person she really was.
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01-29-2009, 11:15 AM	#6
Hawkeye Brigadier General 2070 Rep 4,365 Posts Drives: '07 Z4 Coupe, '21 X3, '16 GMC Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Iowa iTrader: (0) Garage List 2016 GMC Sierra SLT [10.00] 2008 Yamaha R6 [9.00]	Haha, that is awesome! __________________ 2007 Z4 3.0si Coupe • 6 MT • Black Saphire Metallic • PP • SP 2016 GMC Sierra SLT Z71 Premium Plus 4x4 2017 Harley StreetGlide • Denim Black • V&H Tune 2021 BMW x30i • Phytonic Blue Metallic • Fully loaded
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01-29-2009, 11:32 AM	#7
silvergray545 Skittles, OT OG 2337 Rep 649 Posts Drives: Lots of M cars Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cleveland, OH iTrader: (1) Garage List 2016 BMW M3 ZCP [0.00] 2000 BMW M Roadster [0.00] 2004 BMW M3 [0.00] 2014 VW GLI [0.00]	hahaha i wanna get snipped just to be able to do that one day
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01-29-2009, 11:36 AM	#8
jj thumper Private First Class 44 Rep 166 Posts Drives: 335is Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Oakland Ca iTrader: (0)	Shocking! A girl lying about having sex with another guy?!! I didn’t think that happened. All whores but our mothers. Great story.
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01-29-2009, 11:37 AM	#9
Kensta335 Brigadier General 161 Rep 3,637 Posts Drives: 335i Coupe Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: So Cal 626 iTrader: (4)	haha bitch got what she deserved.
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01-29-2009, 11:58 AM	#12
dr.jay Lieutenant 14 Rep 465 Posts Drives: 2011 135 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Greenwood Always Up to No Good iTrader: (1)	Man that is awesome, bitch got owned __________________ "Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business so don't tell me that you're innocent. Admit what you did"
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01-29-2009, 12:26 PM	#13
akack79 Brigadier General 142 Rep 3,161 Posts Drives: '18 F80 M3 ZCP Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: T E X A S iTrader: (18)	Bitch got . __________________ 2018 F80 M3 6MT ZCP
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01-29-2009, 12:47 PM	#14
Jet335i Major 186 Rep 1,085 Posts Drives: '21 F96 X6MC, '11 E92 M3 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: NJ iTrader: (5)	almost sounds like a tucker max-type story....haha that guy had a lot of patience.
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01-29-2009, 01:21 PM	#16
Year's_End Lieutenant General 1138 Rep 12,444 Posts Drives: 2020 Shelby GT350 Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: FL iTrader: (0)	i just found this. the teabaggage serves as a metaphor for the ownage this guy just pulled. if only i could find a pic that showed the face of satisfaction. __________________ Past: '08 E92 335i\|ZPP\|ZSP\|6AT Past: '15 Mustang GT\|401A\|PP\|6MT Current: '20 Shelby GT350\|6MT
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01-29-2009, 03:34 PM	#17
krote345 Second Lieutenant 28 Rep 230 Posts Drives: '08 e90 328i Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Northern NJ iTrader: (0) Garage List 2008 E90 [0.00]	Normally I'd feel bad for the woman but she got what was coming to her. Nice to see the guy come out on top of this situation. Definitely feel bad for the kid though. Has a crazy ass mom and the dad is either non-existent or a washed up musician. Rough. __________________ Jet Black, 6MT, CW Pkg, PS, iPod, Style 189 Wheels
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01-29-2009, 03:39 PM	#18
Revlis Now With 33% MORE Sarcasm Free! 157 Rep 3,462 Posts Drives: M4 i3 X3 Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Phoenix AZ iTrader: (0)	It's pathetic and most likely fictional. If not then we now have a perfect model for the misogynistic douche... You think this guy is cool, story clever? Then you really need to look into yourself as well, cause it's an ugly place devoid of genuine thought, emotion, love, or anything even sorta positive. Basically every single thing about this guy is ugly. __________________ A BMW is Just a Car, it doesn't make you smart, handsome, clever, better, cool, or wealthy.
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01-29-2009, 03:42 PM	#20
darkphantom Banned 595 Rep 5,946 Posts Drives: E93 335i Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: The place for Bimmers iTrader: (4)	good riddens to that biatch...she got what she deserved! (in this story ofcourse)
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