The Best Man (Getting married)

[NYCGP]

Originally Posted by mdyaman

so your friend is a 30 yr old married to a 24 yr old? While not unheard of, i wonder how the maturity and thinking levels effect the relationship.

Also, ideally she would just be starting a career and prone to changing jobs, moving locations, etc. Him being 30 is probably settled in his career and wouldn't want to up root, granted that he doesn't have the flexibility.

Interesting is all.

My room mate is 26 (about to turn 27) and he is dating a 20 year old. She has absolutely no idea about his lifestyle (Heavy Drinking, "partying", etc.). He hides everything from her and keeps telling me that he wants to change and that he is going to do it because of her. She bosses him around all day. This relationship is going on 6 months now (his longest). He is in "love". Tells her constantly and forces me to walk on freaking egg shells when I am having conversations in my own apartment. Situation sounds extremely similar.

This girl hasn't even lived her life yet. He is only the second guy she has ever slept with. He loves that fact and talks about marriage on a daily basis now (over the past 2 weeks). I am beginning to consider an intervention. She is an extremely nice girl... but she is just a kid who can't even legally drink yet. She has more maturing to do over the next 5 years than she will the rest of her life.. He doesn't care. He tells me if she finds out about his "habits", she will leave him. So i simply tell him Bouna Fortuna!

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by ///Mandy

Not cool, not cool at all. That's now how you base your descision to a 10+ year friend.

you mean I shouldn't base who I chose based on the bachelor party right?

If that's the case, it's more so of his zero involvement and unwillingness to even ask to help or make up for it. I would expect that he's at least open his mouth to say "hey let's do something me and you" to make up for it.

Originally Posted by mdyaman

so your friend is a 30 yr old married to a 24 yr old? While not unheard of, i wonder how the maturity and thinking levels effect the relationship.

Also, ideally she would just be starting a career and prone to changing jobs, moving locations, etc. Him being 30 is probably settled in his career and wouldn't want to up root, granted that he doesn't have the flexibility.

Interesting is all. Wonder how much drama is in that relationship, if any.

Maturity varies. They are both insecure and he's extremely possessive and a little needy IMO. However, both very nice people. He's got a career, she's finishing up college (commuting).

Originally Posted by Jaypod

You planned your own bachelor party? fail on his behalf (unless of course you just decided what to do on your own.)

I had nothing to do with mine, was just told to save the date.

Well I wanted Montreal so I planned that part.

Really? You're willing to demote his title of being your "best buddy" (and therefore being your best man) because he is honoring his marriage vows? Really? You're getting married yourself, man; do you even know what that means?

Edit: The best man doesn't always have to plan the bachelor party. It's not uncommon, especially if there are extenuating circumstances (distance, time, other commitments, etc.). Be a little understanding, and have another groomsman (or friend) plan the party.

See first response. There will be no breaking of marriage vows. Just guys having a good time. So I don't know where you get that idea. All the guys going are either married or committed relationships. It's not a bunch of guys going to get their dicks wet. We'll hit a strip club, but nothing crazy. Mostly guys BSing and drinking, harmless fun IMO. I think after 10 years and being titled best man he should have some loyalty and balls to tell his bride/relationship of 1 year that she can trust him and go away for 3 days.

[schoy]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

See first response. There will be no breaking of marriage vows. Just guys having a good time. So I don't know where you get that idea.

No, his marriage vows is to love his wife more than any other. A working, long-lasting marriage is all about continuously making compromises. Obviously, since his wife has a serious objection to it, he feels it is his duty honor it.

Edit: if you think your sole marriage vow is not to cheat on your wife, then I don't think you're ready to get married ...

[///Mandy]

I think for your sake, start searching for best man option "B", doesn't hurt to have something to fall onto rather than nothing, right?

Clearly this "friend" of yours needs to wake up and realize there is more to life then just being married and locked up in your own house. Hopefully he will eventually come to his senses, but I cannot see that happening if he stays with her.

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by schoy

No, his marriage vows is to love his wife more than any other. A working, long-lasting marriage is all about continuously making compromises. Obviously, since his wife has a serious objection to it, he feels it is his duty honor it.

Edit: if you think your sole marriage vow is not to cheat on your wife, then I don't think you're ready to get married ...

Actually I believe it's more him being insecure about her going away for the bachelorette party than him going away. I wouldn't dare refuse to let my wife/fiancee not go away to her best friend's bachelorette party. Why? Because I trust her.

I don't see how hanging out with friends has anything to do with loving someone more than his wife. This isn't just some bachelor party, we've been like brothers for 10 years.

Originally Posted by ///Mandy

I think for your sake, start searching for best man option "B", doesn't hurt to have something to fall onto rather than nothing, right?

Clearly this "friend" of yours needs to wake up and realize there is more to life then just being married and locked up in your own house. Hopefully he will eventually come to his senses, but I cannot see that happening if he stays with her.

That's my thought exactly. Once you get married the opportunity to do things with friends diminishes. That's why this is like the "last hurrah" for the guys to hang, reminisce and make it a memorable weekend. You have your spouse every day for the rest of your life, take what you can get with your friends before those days are gone.

[///Mandy]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

That's my thought exactly. Once you get married the opportunity to do things with friends diminishes. That's why this is like the "last hurrah" for the guys to hang, reminisce and make it a memorable weekend. You have your spouse every day for the rest of your life, take what you can get with your friends before those days are gone.

Well it really shouldn't diminish. An understanding wife/husband needs to know that there is to be a balance. You have time with your sig other and you also must put aside time for your friends as well.
Just because one is married, that does not justify cutting off communications with your good friends.

[schoy]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

I don't see how hanging out with friends has anything to do with loving someone more than his wife. This isn't just some bachelor party, we've been like brothers for 10 years.

Well, that's something between him and his wife. He's not you. Your (soon-to-be) wife is not his wife. Just saying, if I were in your shoes, I'd try to be a little more understanding. Obviously his situation has changed. And in all likelihood, when you get married, you'll be presented with numerous dilemmas where you'll have to choose between your wife's wrath and someone else's.

So either you:
1) Go to plan B and have someone else plan the party, or
2) Demote your best friend.

If you choose option #2, I hope you'll be a man and tell him why he's not the best man. I hope he's more understanding than you are for him. All this over a bachelor party.

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by ///Mandy

Well it really shouldn't diminish. An understanding wife/husband needs to know that there is to be a balance. You have time with your sig other and you also must put aside time for your friends as well.
Just because one is married, that does not justify cutting off communications with your good friends.

Well it shouldn't but as we all know in many cases it does. My fiancee and I have a healthy balance. Terrible when people disappear after they are married.

Originally Posted by schoy

Well, that's something between him and his wife. He's not you. Your (soon-to-be) wife is not his wife. Just saying, if I were in your shoes, I'd try to be a little more understanding. Obviously his situation has changed. And in all likelihood, when you get married, you'll be presented with numerous dilemmas where you'll have to choose between your wife's wrath and someone else's.

So either you:
1) Go to plan B and have someone else plan the party, or
2) Demote your best friend.

If you choose option #2, I hope you'll be a man and tell him why he's not the best man. I hope he's more understanding than you are for him. All this over a bachelor party.

Decision is undetermined. If you read my above post it isn't just the fact that he isn't going, it's how he handled it. First he was going to go, and so was his wife, she was gungho for the bachelorette party. Then there was a change of heart somewhere. He also hasn't been man enough to talk to me on the phone or in person about it. I value friendship a little more than others may. I'm very understanding but coming from a friendship of 10 years I didn't expect to get nothing more than an email and no justification. Also zero effort in making up for not going or trying to do something traditional after being appointed best man.

[sanf]

yea, i am sure you would be okay if he actually talked to you in person about it. especially when you guys were good friends for a long time. I had to miss my best friend's wedding (20+ yrs friendship). Although he is 18 hrs plane ride away and at the time I have my 11 months old kid to take care of, I just couldn't be away for a week. So I told him months ahead of time and talked. Everything is cool.

[matthewk]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

we've been like brothers for 10 years.


That's why this is like the "last hurrah" for the guys to hang

Your "like brothers" for 10 years has nothing to do with his marriage. He should choose his wife, perhaps she's just not comfortable with the strip club thing and he doesn't want to share that with you. AND, it's OK if she isn't, he has to respect that.

The last hurrah is your's and your's alone, forcing it on your "friend", when it's obvious that he has other priorities, his wife, only proves you're an unsympathetic friend and one that he's surely going to be happy to be without after this comes between the two of you. Which it likely will.

I suspect a little bit that your frustration with this is that you know you're going to face the same types of dilemmas he is facing now once you're married. And, if he denied his wife's wishes for yours, it would make you more comfortable with the prospect of what's to come in your own marriage.

Sadly, it's your friend that ultimately looses in this deal. You have no desire to respect the manner in which he chooses to honor his wife's wishes and this will be a catestrophic blow to your relationship with him. Alternativily it would be a catestrophic blow to his marriage if he turns his back on his wife. Either way he's screwed. The only one in this trifecta of a problem your posting about that has the ability to take the high road here is you, and you're "last hurrah" is far more important to you than you're friendship with your "like brother" and his marriage with his wife.

You're groomzilla..

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by matthewk

Your "like brothers" for 10 years has nothing to do with his marriage. He should choose his wife, perhaps she's just not comfortable with the strip club thing and he doesn't want to share that with you. AND, it's OK if she isn't, he has to respect that.

The last hurrah is your's and your's alone, forcing it on your "friend", when it's obvious that he has other priorities, his wife, only proves you're an unsympathetic friend and one that he's surely going to be happy to be without after this comes between the two of you. Which it likely will.

I suspect a little bit that your frustration with this is that you know you're going to face the same types of dilemmas he is facing now once you're married. And, if he denied his wife's wishes for yours, it would make you more comfortable with the prospect of what's to come in your own marriage.

Sadly, it's your friend that ultimately looses in this deal. You have no desire to respect the manner in which he chooses to honor his wife's wishes and this will be a catestrophic blow to your relationship with him. Alternativily it would be a catestrophic blow to his marriage if he turns his back on his wife. Either way he's screwed. The only one in this trifecta of a problem your posting about that has the ability to take the high road here is you, and you're "last hurrah" is far more important to you than you're friendship with your "like brother" and his marriage with his wife.

You're groomzilla..

lol groomzilla. Personally if a man and wife don't have trust that one or the other can't go away with friends and not doing anything bad then that's pretty sad and the man has no balls. I'm always unsympathetic when guys act like pussies.

I'm not going to face any of these issues with my fiancee. She's off to Vegas to have fun. Both of us are comfortable with each other's choices of actions.

Again you missed the point that it was how he handled it, not so much that he's not going.

[///Mandy]

Hold on a second here matthewk, while I do see what you are saying, this guy's best friend of over 10 years is getting married. This is a milestone in his life. His friend was given an offer of taking on a meaningful role in this.

Yes, his friend needs to be respective of his wife, I agree with you, but if it's gotten to the point where he's respecting something that she is being insecure about, this boy's got problems. He's whipped. Straight out whipped.

This is clearly a situ with insecurities on both sides. He's proven it by writing his friend an email rather than tell him to his face.

Edit: adding that I do not mean to cut you up.

[matthewk]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

lol groomzilla. Personally if a man and wife don't have trust that one or the other can't go away with friends and not doing anything bad then that's pretty sad and the man has no balls. I'm always unsympathetic when guys act like pussies.

I'm not going to face any of these issues with my fiancee. She's off to Vegas to have fun. Both of us are comfortable with each other's choices of actions.

Again you missed the point that it was how he handled it, not so much that he's not going.

It's easy to judge those whos experiences you have not shared.

There are possibly dynamics at play you're not aware of within his family (he and his wife). Sadly you're judging him on assumption of being a pussy. Hope the two of you remain friends.

[schoy]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

Decision is undetermined. If you read my above post it isn't just the fact that he isn't going, it's how he handled it. First he was going to go, and so was his wife, she was gungho for the bachelorette party. Then there was a change of heart somewhere. He also hasn't been man enough to talk to me on the phone or in person about it. I value friendship a little more than others may. I'm very understanding but coming from a friendship of 10 years I didn't expect to get nothing more than an email and no justification. Also zero effort in making up for not going or trying to do something traditional after being appointed best man.

Fair enough. Did you try calling him and asking for an explanation? Maybe tell him that regardless of whether he goes or not, you'd still like him to be your best man, but the fact that he's being so reticent about the whole thing without explanation is making it hard for you to keep him with that title. I agree, at the very least, he owes you an explanation.

[matthewk]

Originally Posted by ///Mandy

Hold on a second here matthewk, while I do see what you are saying, this guy's best friend of over 10 years is getting married. This is a milestone in his life. His friend was given an offer of taking on a meaningful role in this.

Yes, his friend needs to be respective of his wife, I agree with you, but if it's gotten to the point where he's respecting something that she is being insecure about, this boy's got problems. He's whipped. Straight out whipped.

This is clearly a situ with insecurities on both sides. He's proven it by writing his friend an email rather than tell him to his face.

But right or wrong, that's his choice and the dynamic his marriage is built upon. And, if that's the case, agreed with or not, doesn't it have to be respected? If the friend going on this trip would cause divorce in an otherwise, new and happy marriage, is it worth it? Sorry if it sounds like devil's advocate, but I guess I am just disapointed with socity's lack of tollerance for the burden of marriage these days.

[///Mandy]

Originally Posted by matthewk

But right or wrong, that's his choice and the dynamic his marriage is built upon. And, if that's the case, agreed with or not, doesn't it have to be respected. If the friend going on this trip would cause divorce in an otherwise, new and happy marriage, is it worth it? Sorry if it sounds like devil's advocate, but I guess I am just disapointed with socity's lack of tollerance for the burden of marriage these days.

If that's how their marriage is built then yes there's got to be respect on how they drive their marriage. This goes for all marriage relationships.
I'm just disappointed with how this all went...

Not a problem. I know what you are saying. It opened my views onto another perspective on this.

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by matthewk

It's easy to judge those whos experiences you have not shared.

There are possibly dynamics at play you're not aware of within his family (he and his wife). Sadly you're judging him on assumption of being a pussy. Hope the two of you remain friends.

I know him better than anyone and I know his wife very well. been there since the beginning. He lives right down the street. Again, it's really not his wife, it's him. He just knows if he doesn't go, she can't go. He's the jealous type. There's a lot of dynamics here that would be a lot to write. Fact that he met her last summer, she was a virgin, she's not the most experienced, she's very nice and understanding, he was out banging anything that moved till he met her, he just wants to keep her under his control. I know the thought of her out and about with girls in Vegas would drive him nuts.

Originally Posted by schoy

Fair enough. Did you try calling him and asking for an explanation? Maybe tell him that regardless of whether he goes or not, you'd still like him to be your best man, but the fact that he's being so reticent about the whole thing without explanation is making it hard for you to keep him with that title. I agree, at the very least, he owes you an explanation.

yeah a couple times, sad i've had to reach out to him and hassle him about it. We may talk today.


Marriage isn't an easy thing these days. Understood. But I would think for your best friend there should be one exception.

[MadDog]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

I know him better than anyone and I know his wife very well. been there since the beginning. He lives right down the street. Again, it's really not his wife, it's him. He just knows if he doesn't go, she can't go. He's the jealous type. There's a lot of dynamics here that would be a lot to write. Fact that he met her last summer, she was a virgin, she's not the most experienced, she's very nice and understanding, he was out banging anything that moved till he met her, he just wants to keep her under his control. I know the thought of her out and about with girls in Vegas would drive him nuts.

I see that marriage lasting a long time.

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by MadDog

I see that marriage lasting a long time.

well i wish them the best... they love each other a lot, but I wouldn't be shocked if she woke up one day and thought to herself why did I marry so young.

[persian54]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

well i wish them the best... they love each other a lot, but I wouldn't be shocked if she woke up one day and thought to herself why did I marry so young.

24 isn't that young for a woman to get married if you're from the Middle East

24 and 30 is a good age gap traditionally, even a little small.

But I still think they shouldn't be so insecure... How many women he been with?

[IbanezGod]

Originally Posted by persian54

24 isn't that young for a woman to get married if you're from the Middle East

24 and 30 is a good age gap traditionally, even a little small.

But I still think they shouldn't be so insecure... How many women he been with?

they both grew up in the USA. He's been with close to 40-50.

I think that's a good age gap for anyone. However being 24, she's as experienced as most 15 year olds.

[persian54]

Originally Posted by PicassoM

they both grew up in the USA. He's been with close to 40-50.

I think that's a good age gap for anyone. However being 24, she's as experienced as most 15 year olds.

If he's been with 50 women, why does he have any insecurity?
I don't care if my gf goes to vegas; I know she will get hit on. Hell she was there this past weekend with her 2 female friends, they got invited to these guys' table and later in the evening went up to their suite. My gf's friends (1 single 1 not) hooked up (one had sex), but my gf didn't do anything. How do I know? she was texting me too often for there to be any time for her to be doing anything else. And even if she did something, then she hid it well. Nonetheless, it's based on trust.
She's 22.

Your friend should have no issue(s) with his wife going to Vegas with the girls. He's not young and inexperienced.
She..well you said she's as "mature" as a 15 year old, so that's the problem right there.
Does she know he's been with 50 women? That may trigger her insecurity and make it so she doesn't want him to go.

Nonetheless, it seems you either need someone else to plan things and he will just be the best man.... or you should find someone else to be your best man who will plan everything.