Getting Over Loss, Need Advice

[AlbyVaz]

OH man I really am so very sorry for your loss, our pets are family to us so it hurts us to hell and back when they sadly die. You will grieve in time mate I am sure of that but try and remember all the great times you had together and cherish those fond memories.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by Our03z4

We don't.

I am living with the fear of this exact same situation happening here in a few years.

OCD psycho dog is coming up on 13 years old now, and we have no kids (or desire to have them). My DW's "mommy" instinct has turned the dog into a substitute for a child almost from day one, and I swear that those two have never cut the umbilical cord! My in-laws also believe that he is their grand-dog, and have called their real grandchild the dog's name more than once. There is no dog in the world that could ever replace him in any of their minds, just like getting/having another child will not overcome the grief of losing a human offspring.

Not saying that this is your wife's exact problem, but noting the lack of children and extended grieving over the loss of a fur-baby.....

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by Our03z4

We don't.

Yu know where i am going with this right......... the pets are effectively her kids.

[tranquility]

OP, sorry for your loss.

I hate it when some ppl say "it's just a pet". They are family members, and I put them ahead of any random stranger on the street; just because we're human doesn't make us superior.

Anyway, some members have touched upon something and perhaps you need to discover what is in your wife's past. I can understand the pet deaths taking a heavier toll since you guys don't have kids but there may be something even more serious underneath.

Take care.

[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by Our03z4

She says that she doesn't know what can help.

I agree with you all.

As far as past trauma, quite possibly. I had some counseling many years ago (due to the 1st responder stuff) and I wanted her there with me. At one point the therapist turned to her and said lets talk about you, started digging a little and she broke down crying, got angry and said we are here for him. She didn't go with me again. I've always suspected something is there but the 14years we've been married she hasn't said a peep. I know recently she's opened up about not feeling like she was loved as much as her sibling by her parents, really even to this day. No abuse though. I do think her parents love her but she was pretty self sufficient compared to her sibling.

I will say that part of the problem I think is the way the pup went down hill. Came out of no where and was a rough path for 8 months until he needed to be put down. She spent time caring for him pretty much non-stop.

There's something there then. Pressing can push people inwards and make them feel they're ridiculous for acting the way they are especially if they can't articulate what's causing all of this.

She's lucky to have you. As hard as it is, continue to be patient with her. If you're truly this worried, definitely consult someone who is more trusted and credentialed.

[sygazelle]

One of the many unfair things in life is the fact that pets don't live as long as their people.

Step 1: Hug her, look her in the eye, and tell her you love her. Step 2: Repeat Step 1.

Please share some of the comments on this thread with her. It may be comforting to her to know that we all feel for what she is going through.

Grief is a unique thing. We all handle it in our own way. Hopefully, time will help. Maybe something new like a weekend outing to somewhere you've never been.

Wishing your wife and you the best in this difficult time.

[cmyx6go]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

One of the many unfair things in life is the fact that pets don't live as long as their people.

Step 1: Hug her, look her in the eye, and tell her you love her. Step 2: Repeat Step 1.

Please share some of the comments on this thread with her. It may be comforting to her to know that we all feel for what she is going through.

Grief is a unique thing. We all handle it in our own way. Hopefully, time will help. Maybe something new like a weekend outing to somewhere you've never been.

Wishing your wife and you the best in this difficult time.

I also wish you two the best.

I agree with sygazelle's step one and two. As far as sharing our comments, I wouldn't. Although it is anonymous, I don't know how she would react to you sharing her personal struggles with a bunch of strangers.... Could be good, could be ugly.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

I also wish you two the best.

I agree with sygazelle's step one and two. As far as sharing our comments, I wouldn't. Although it is anonymous, I don't know how she would react to you sharing her personal struggles with a bunch of strangers.... Could be good, could be ugly.

Well, that's good advice. I obviously did not think it through. I'm learning every single day!

[Our03z4]

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

I also wish you two the best.

I agree with sygazelle's step one and two. As far as sharing our comments, I wouldn't. Although it is anonymous, I don't know how she would react to you sharing her personal struggles with a bunch of strangers.... Could be good, could be ugly.

I won't, like I said she's a closed book. I've been with her since high school and we have each other's back through anything. Right now I just hold her when it hits her but I feel like she needs more than that. She's the toughest person I know so that's how I know it's bad when she's struggling.

[XutvJet]

Your wife needs to talk to a professional to get through this. There's something else going on here. It's not just about the pets.

You haven't noted your wife's age, but if she's in her mid-30s to early 50s and hasn't hit menopause, she could smack dab in the middle of perimenopause. That phase can be extremely hard on a woman and can last for up to 10 years in some women. In many woman, perimenopause can cause depression, gloomy outlook on life, anxiety, feeling lost/hopeless, fatigue, sleeplessness, night sweats, brain fog, moodiness/mood swings, irritability, questioning one's life/purpose/relationships/marriage, etc. Lots of woman can be very depressed during this time and may not seem like themselves. It's also the age range that a majority of women get divorced.

[Gossypiboma]

You need to take everything mentioned in this thread with a grain of salt. You're asking strangers on a car forum for advice on a potentially complex and deep rooted issue.
Some of the ideas in here are ridiculous.

The only thing that's certain is if this has been going on over a year that's abnormal and she needs to seek out professional help. That's all you should take from this thread.

[floridaorange]

If the loss was traumatic, then it could have just put her over the edge. I've been learning that is how trauma works. Since most of us experienced trauma during Covid, it doesn't take much for an additional loss to really put us in a very sensitive place. Trauma just adds up over time and if you don't get help professionally, it'll come out in extreme ways. I think we all have gone through something that made us much more upset than it should have, and that's because of the building up and not dealing with it over time.

Also - try - https://www.griefshare.org/

[Alfisti]

Originally Posted by XutvJet

anxiety, feeling lost/hopeless, fatigue, sleeplessness, night sweats, brain fog, moodiness/mood swings, irritability, questioning one's life/purpose/relationships/marriage, etc.

So it's a Thursday at my place?

[XutvJet]

Originally Posted by Alfisti

So it's a Thursday at my place?

You made coffee come out of my nose

[RickFLM4]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I will tell you when we lost our first dog, it did take about a year for my wife and I to start getting past obsessing over the grief. On a daily basis, we still think about her and her companion we lost within the next year, but with good memories more than grieving now. So, I don’t think it’s overly concerning or a clear sign of a deeper issue if she’s still grieving a year later. However, at some point there should be some gradual improvement over time and if that is not happening, then I’d suggest talking to her about either getting professional help as others have suggested, or asking your vet if they know of a group of people with similar grieving to help by talking about it. Such groups do exist.

As far as another dog goes, she has to be open to it for it to help, especially if you get a puppy. Puppies are giant pains in the ass. We got a puppy at the worst time and while it is all great now, it seemed like a big mistake at the time. For some it is the perfect solution. For others not so much.

[Our03z4]

Originally Posted by floridaorange

If the loss was traumatic, then it could have just put her over the edge. I've been learning that is how trauma works. Since most of us experienced trauma during Covid, it doesn't take much for an additional loss to really put us in a very sensitive place. Trauma just adds up over time and if you don't get help professionally, it'll come out in extreme ways. I think we all have gone through something that made us much more upset than it should have, and that's because of the building up and not dealing with it over time.

Also - try - https://www.griefshare.org/

Thanks for the post. As a 1st responder for 13 years I finally hit a snapping point after seeing so much death. Took a few years of professional help to get me back on point...but I learned to stay out of that field for good. I think this might be why I handled our pups death better than her. Tools are everything.

[Our03z4]

Originally Posted by XutvJet

Your wife needs to talk to a professional to get through this. There's something else going on here. It's not just about the pets.

You haven't noted your wife's age, but if she's in her mid-30s to early 50s and hasn't hit menopause, she could smack dab in the middle of perimenopause. That phase can be extremely hard on a woman and can last for up to 10 years in some women. In many woman, perimenopause can cause depression, gloomy outlook on life, anxiety, feeling lost/hopeless, fatigue, sleeplessness, night sweats, brain fog, moodiness/mood swings, irritability, questioning one's life/purpose/relationships/marriage, etc. Lots of woman can be very depressed during this time and may not seem like themselves. It's also the age range that a majority of women get divorced.

She's 32.