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      10-09-2006, 01:52 AM   #4

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Kim Jong-Il: I Want to Be Villain in New Bond Film

Posted on Jul 8, 2006

Blofeld:; Jong-Il:
Arch Bond nemesis Ernest Blofed and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il: Separated at Birth?

By Andy Borowitz

The question “What does Kim Jong-Il really want?” was definitively answered today when the mercurial North Korean dictator offered to abandon his nuclear weapons program in exchange for the role of the villain in the new James Bond film.

In a press conference in Pyongyang, Mr. Kim said he was prepared to dismantle his entire nuclear program for the chance to play a Bond villain, calling the part “the role of a lifetime.”

“I have been preparing for this role every day of my life,” Mr. Kim said.

In Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reacted to the news that Mr. Kim’s bizarre tenure as president of North Korea has been nothing but a Method actor’s preparation for a coveted role.

“The strange pronouncements, the weird haircut, the crazy glasses—it all starts to make sense,” she said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene, shifting from being an evil madman bent on world destruction to playing one in a James Bond film could be a brilliant career move for the North Korean dictator.

“Given the longevity of the Bond series, an evil madman could actually stay in power longer in those films than in real life,” Mr. Schlantz said. “Besides, on a film set, Kim Jong-Il can get something that’s almost impossible to find in North Korea—food.”

Elsewhere, doctors debated whether it was their duty to label a child obese, some arguing that it was a job better left to the child’s siblings. Before 1995, Kim was frequently accused of dishonesty, drunkenness, sexual excess of various kinds and even insanity, particularly in the South Korean press. He is also made fun of for wearing platform shoes and being a fan of James Bond. The BBC reported that Konstantin Pulikovsky, a Russian emissary who traveled with Kim Jong-il across Russia by train told reporters that Kim had live lobsters air-lifted to the train every day which he ate with silver chopsticks. He is also known to be one of the biggest clients of French vintner Hennessy as well as of Mercedes Benz. Kim is reported to have fathered thirteen children outside of marriage.