That's Richmond, VA. Here's the link to Richmond, CA:
https://www.neighborhoodscout.com/ca/richmond/crime
and here's one for San Jose, CA for comparison:
https://www.neighborhoodscout.com/ca/san-jose/crime
There are certain parts of Richmond to avoid, and there are also parts where even a $300k combined income family won't be able to afford.
Those places to avoid are:
Central Richmond (the other side is next to El Cerrito which is $$$$)
North Richmond (Danger level high, hitman on duty)
South Richmond (Danger level high, sniper on duty)
Montalvin
Medium to Upper-mid income areas:
Country Club
Hilltop District
Marina Bay Condos/Townhomes
Point Richmond
Richmond Hills
San Pablo Dam Rd (beautiful area towards the lake)
Millionaires Club
Marina Bay
Your detective neighbor was telling you the truth. However, Richmond's homicide tendencies are more targeted/isolated, and primarily contained within the Iron Triangle area. Whereas (East) Oakland's tendency is random, meaning anyone can get caught in the line of fire. Either way, many parts of the East Bay, especially Richmond is not a good place for softies, or those who aren't accustomed to being in a predominantly urban environment. This goes the same for several parts of San Francisco like Bayview, Hunter's Point, Tenderloin, Sunnydale, 3rd St/Mission St.
Your assessments on the rest of the East Bay cities are spot on, but a bit inaccurate for Hayward. Hayward also has a millionaire's club and middle to upper-middle class neighborhoods located in the hills off of HWY 580. What you saw was most likely the industrial side of Hayward.
To OP, you're committing roughly 40-43% of your net income to housing expenses with a $3500 budget. Keep in mind that CA state income tax is higher than MD. I work in the tech sector, and I've seen many colleagues come and go who thought that throwing their money away with a $3500-$4000 monthly rent is the only way to live safe and comfortably in the Bay Area. Some of them have since moved back to their home state, because they simply couldn't keep up with the stupid cost of living that they got themselves into.
My advice is to keep your options OPEN, and really get to see the area if it piques your interest. If renting is the only option, then below are some of the more affordable areas to look into that isn't too far from the city:
Concord (1+ hour BART)
Brisbane (next door to SF)
Daly City/Colma (20-25 mins BART)
El Sobrante (go towards the hills, parallel to Richmond)
Pacifica (35-40 mins BART)
Pinole (45-50 mins via 80W then BART)
Pleasant Hill (same as Concord)
Richmond (but not in the danger zone)
San Bruno (35-40 mins BART)
San Mateo (50-55 mins via 101N then BART)
South San Francisco (30 mins BART)
West Oakland (25-30 mins BART)
Good luck, and I hope you find this information somewhat useful. FWIW, the previous owner of my property in Richmond is a Corporate Controller for a Fortune 500 company based in the SF Financial District. He, unfortunately had to move back to Hercules (two cities away) to help his parents with a family situation.