The joke thread, pics are not necessary

Two men are playing golf. One’s about to take a swing when a funeral procession passes by.
He pauses, removes his cap, bows his head, and stands quietly.
His mate says, “That’s the most respectful thing I’ve ever seen.”
The man replies, “Well, we were married 35 years.”

Hmmm

From our grade school days:


Birdie birdie in the sky

Why’d you do that in my eye

I’m a big boy I won’t cry

I’m sure glad elephants don’t fly

Seems like good advice to me.

Old vaudeville joke.
I’m crazy about meshugah, and meshugah’s crazy about me.

Q: How did you know your cat used your computer?

A: Your mouse has teeth marks.

I'm giving this a lot of thought as my new dating procedure

dumptruck wrote

Two men are playing golf. One’s about to take a swing when a funeral procession passes by.
He pauses, removes his cap, bows his head, and stands quietly.
His mate says, “That’s the most respectful thing I’ve ever seen.”
The man replies, “Well, we were married 35 years.”

On the golf theme? We really are different

"One picture is worth ten thousand words"
Advertising man Fred R. Barnard

^ Joke above is funny. Not so funny, my wife just got in an accident this morning. Her first one ever. Not a terrible crash and her car can be repaired but she was pretty shaken.

So here's an appropriate joke: (she doesn't think it's funny)

While driving, I swerved to avoid a dog, lost control, and fell into a ditch.

As I crawled out, all dirty and scratched, a beautiful woman stopped her car and asked, “are you okay?”

“I think so,” I said, trying to stand up.

“Come on,” she said. “My house is nearby. I’m a nurse — I’ll clean you up and check if you’re hurt.”

I said, “that’s really nice, but my wife won’t be happy if I go with you.”

She smiled and said, “relax. We’ll just make sure you’re okay.”

She was super nice (and honestly, very pretty), so I went. She cleaned my cuts, gave me some juice — best juice I’ve ever had.

But I kept saying, “my wife’s gonna be so mad…”

She laughed, “don’t worry, she’s at home, right?”

“Uh… no. I think she’s still in the ditch.”

OK, now that's funny!

Here's a funny but true story.
It's December 4th, my wife's 40th birthday and my kids and sister in law want to have a surprise birthday party for her. So the ploy is I'm taking her out to dinner, drive about halfway and realize that I forgot my wallet.

So the wife and I set off to the restaurant, her sister is watching the kids while we are out and everyone that has been invited are parked in a cul-de-sac across from the house

Ten minutes into our trip, we round a curve adjacent to a golf course and bam hit a deer. Stop and get out, her and I are okay but she is rather shaken. Front end of the car is busted up but drivable. Launched the deer into a field next to the road, alive but she is badly hurt.
Call 911 for State Patrol for accident report. Also got to call Sister in law to bring my wallet because I left it at home intentionally. While waiting prior to SP arrival, hearing the call go out about car versus deer, game warden shows up.
Get out of the car, he inquires about the animal and I pointed it out to him. He pulls out a rifle to which my wife, who is still on edge over the accident says You're Not Going to Kill It? His response of course was to put it out of its misery. So my wife, not wanting to hear the gun shot gets back in the car and demands that I sit in the car with her because she is a nervous wreck and turns the radio up rather loud.
Game Warden returns to the car, never heard the gunshot by way, I roll the window down and he asks Do We Want The Animal for the Meat. My wife just fell apart, practically crying over the deer, I responded no and asked if he would donate to local food shelter. SP shows up, writes a accident report and sends us on our way. My wife, who we have not told that there is a party at the house just wants to go home.
So we roll into the driveway, house full of friends and family and proceed to have her surprise party.
She did have a few drinks to mellow out and then it was time to open presents. Now reality sets in, because I just remembered what my kids got her for her birthday, an illuminated Reindeer Christmas Decoration for the front yard. My wife didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

We don't have that illuminated deer these days but we always tell the story on her birthday

SpeedBuggy wrote

Here's a funny but true story.
It's December 4th, my wife's 40th birthday and my kids and sister in law want to have a surprise birthday party for her. So the ploy is I'm taking her out to dinner, drive about halfway and realize that I forgot my wallet.

So the wife and I set off to the restaurant, her sister is watching the kids while we are out and everyone that has been invited are parked in a cul-de-sac across from the house

Ten minutes into our trip, we round a curve adjacent to a golf course and bam hit a deer. Stop and get out, her and I are okay but she is rather shaken. Front end of the car is busted up but drivable. Launched the deer into a field next to the road, alive but she is badly hurt.
Call 911 for State Patrol for accident report. Also got to call Sister in law to bring my wallet because I left it at home intentionally. While waiting prior to SP arrival, hearing the call go out about car versus deer, game warden shows up.
Get out of the car, he inquires about the animal and I pointed it out to him. He pulls out a rifle to which my wife, who is still on edge over the accident says You're Not Going to Kill It? His response of course was to put it out of its misery. So my wife, not wanting to hear the gun shot gets back in the car and demands that I sit in the car with her because she is a nervous wreck and turns the radio up rather loud.
Game Warden returns to the car, never heard the gunshot by way, I roll the window down and he asks Do We Want The Animal for the Meat. My wife just fell apart, practically crying over the deer, I responded no [...]

Brilliant!

Do Not Touch.



That has to be very unsettling to read in braille.

Why doesn't Elton John eat lettuce?


Because he's a rocket man.

Call AAA

I was having trouble getting to sleep so I bought a book on sleep disorders, it was so boring it sent me to sleep without me even knowing.

What do you call a disabled supermodel?



Hotwheels.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

You don't have to out run the bear, you just have to out run one other guy.

Your mom tells you we are going on a vacation.