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      06-27-2012, 08:27 AM   #1
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The Worst Best Man

start Rant/

So i've come to a bit of a cross road with the best man in my wedding, 2 months before the big day. We've been best friends for the past 12 years through college years into our careers. However he met his wife 2 years ago (was married within 1 year) and honestly things have changed drastically. Never hear from him, we don't have much in common anymore, he always has this chip on the shoulder from me giving him crap in the past about changing who he is for his wife. OMG there's been FB drama, the whole 9 yards, Now I feel like I barely know him.

I made him my best man since we've been friends for so long and at the time things were better than they are now. I probably didn't think it through enough at the time. Few facts:
  • He being my best man is the only groomsman not going to the bachelor party (because he doesn't want his wife to get jealous and he doesn't want to risk cheating on his wife), He also didn't try to help plan any of it
  • He didn't organize or go to the tux fitting and went to a baby shower instead
  • He is one of the last people to still not send in the RSVP for the wedding, it's got a damn stamp on it, how hard is that?
  • Never really offered to help
  • I had to organize getting all the groomsmen to get together
  • Seems to care less about the wedding and thinks i'm a groomzilla

Another one of my best friends has done all of the above, recently just helped me through an injury i sustained which landed me in the ER for 5 hours and he's just always there for me and honestly my best friend and has never changed who he is.

I feel like I screwed up and put the wrong guy with the title and responsibility that I expected. Issue I have is that this is my one wedding. I feel like if I keep him, i'm not having the wedding how I want it, and for the price i'm paying and the image I always had in my head about my special day, my conscious tells me I should change him out, even though it may cause waves and possibly close a friendship that really doesn't seem to matter to me anymore.

On the other hand my brain also tells me to just leave it be, don't make waves, keep the wedding going smooth.

There's a lot more to the story, but this is just the 20,000 ft level. I'm going to have a talk with him this week, and am really considering making the change and letting him know how I feel.

Just looking for some thoughts. It's a tough situation and it's also very disheartening to see someone you used to call your brother end up being someone that really doesn't exist in your life anymore the way you expected them to always be there. Even my soon to be wife thinks he sucks as a best man...



/rant
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      06-27-2012, 08:33 AM   #2
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you have every right to speak your mind. don't let him ruin YOUR special day.
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      06-27-2012, 08:35 AM   #3
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To most unmarried/married men, weddings are a pain in the ass and a huge inconvenience.
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      06-27-2012, 08:47 AM   #4
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Save yourself the headache and bump up one of your other groomsmen to best man. Sounds like he doesnt want to do crap. Actually knock him down to usher so he doesnt have to be up at the alter with you. Probably wants to be around his old lady most of the time anyways.

I had a lame ass best man. I wish I could have gone back in time and demote him. I cant. You still can. Food for thought...
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      06-27-2012, 08:47 AM   #5
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Just tell him that you see he doesn't have time for the responsibility of being the best man, but not to worry bc you'll give the job to some one else.
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      06-27-2012, 08:48 AM   #6
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Dude I feel you. He's your best man because of the past. I'm kinda in the same situation with you. My best friend and I have known each other since 1st grade. However since college we have separated because he's made new friends that I don't agree with(they always party and drink). I still consider him my best friend but we never hang out snymore(like 1x a month vs everyday).

Can you have two best mans?
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      06-27-2012, 08:51 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NBK View Post
you have every right to speak your mind. don't let him ruin YOUR special day.
that's my whole thought. It's just a tough decision. A major change. His wife is in the wedding party too.

Here's something else I had to deal with:

1st dance who dances together, the best man and maid of honor and the people who are paired up right?

He wanted to only dance with his wife, planned on dancing with his wife and didn't tell me, so it would have left the maid of honor by herself. So it's things like that, his own selfishness that tick me off. It's like STFU dude, dance with the maid of honor for 2 minutes and dance with your wife all the rest of the night
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      06-27-2012, 08:53 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 48Laws View Post
To most unmarried/married men, weddings are a pain in the ass and a huge inconvenience.
While that may be true, a good friend steps up to the plate and does what needs to be done for his friend. This douche should have never been asked to take that responsibility. Hes demonstrated that his new wife keeps his balls in her pocket.
OP, have that talk with him and give him one last chance to make it right. At first hesitation, tell him hes out. Relief pitcher coming in to close the game.
Thats what I would do anyway.
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      06-27-2012, 08:56 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by NYC6 View Post
While that may be true, a good friend steps up to the plate and does what needs to be done for his friend. This douche should have never been asked to take that responsibility. Hes demonstrated that his new wife keeps his balls in her pocket.
OP, have that talk with him and give him one last chance to make it right. At first hesitation, tell him hes out. Relief pitcher coming in to close the game.
Thats what I would do anyway.
That's what i'm doing Thursday when I get back from a business trip. I have many guys including my cousin who deserve it more than he does. I need to lay it down to him in a way that shows, hey you're one of my best friends, but when it comes to my wedding you're not the go to person and everyone else has stepped up to the plate except you, it's only fair to give that honor to someone else. My one buddy has done all the bachelor party planning, i see him all the time, go out to dinner, always a person to bounce ideas off of, completely took care of me Monday when I got in a bad accident and spent 5 hours with me in the ER (granted he was the only person around he was a trooper), he's divorced so he has the time lol, but he's definitely always there for me.
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      06-27-2012, 09:25 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PicassoM View Post
That's what i'm doing Thursday when I get back from a business trip. I have many guys including my cousin who deserve it more than he does. I need to lay it down to him in a way that shows, hey you're one of my best friends, but when it comes to my wedding you're not the go to person and everyone else has stepped up to the plate except you, it's only fair to give that honor to someone else. My one buddy has done all the bachelor party planning, i see him all the time, go out to dinner, always a person to bounce ideas off of, completely took care of me Monday when I got in a bad accident and spent 5 hours with me in the ER (granted he was the only person around he was a trooper), he's divorced so he has the time lol, but he's definitely always there for me.
You've answered your own question. Just tell your ex-best man that he's still you're best friend, but he obviously doesn't have the time to devote to being the best man at your wedding, and the honor should go to someone who has already demonstrated they want to support you through the day. The key when you tell him is to make it you-focused, about how this benefits him... Takes him off the spot with the wife, he doesn't have to worry about the dance, etc.
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      06-27-2012, 09:28 AM   #11
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well you should have listened to all in the previous thread and get rid of him

hope you talked to him after this : "Please respect our decision, we are married and we made this choice together. I am sure you all will have a great time

I can be your bestman but I am also a husband. If your idea of a bestman is different I apologize I am not fitting the mold. "

http://www.e90post.com/forums/showth...dding+bachelor
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      06-27-2012, 09:29 AM   #12
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I was friends with a dude like that once. "Was" being the keyword there.
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      06-27-2012, 09:39 AM   #13
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For a small fee and dibs on the cute brides maids, i want two, I can and will be the best best man ever!
Not only will you think I'm legendary, your wife will love me, her parents will think i'm the best and your dad will high five me.


Oh and for the record your former friend sounds like a total dick! Bros before hoes brother bros before hoes! I don’t care what kind of freaky freakiness the hoe does in bed! That's no excuse to forgo your bros...and did you say baby shower?

Ok for a small fee and dibs on the cute brides maids I'll kick his ass and take his man card from him.
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      06-27-2012, 09:39 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by panicos81 View Post
well you should have listened to all in the previous thread and get rid of him

hope you talked to him after this : "Please respect our decision, we are married and we made this choice together. I am sure you all will have a great time

I can be your bestman but I am also a husband. If your idea of a bestman is different I apologize I am not fitting the mold. "

http://www.e90post.com/forums/showth...dding+bachelor
yeah man, it's just gotten a bit worse. so I had to bring it up again.

Big decision, sad decision.
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      06-27-2012, 09:40 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shah269 View Post
For a small fee and dibs on the cute brides maids, i want two, I can and will be the best best man ever!
Not only will you think I'm legendary, your wife will love me, her parents will think i'm the best and your dad will high five me.


Oh and for the record your former friend sounds like a total dick! Bros before hoes brother bros before hoes! I donít care what kind of freaky freakiness the hoe does in bed! That's no excuse to forgo your bros...and did you say baby shower?

Ok for a small fee and dibs on the cute brides maids I'll kick his ass and take his man card from him.
yes, a fking jack and jill baby shower.

Quote:
You've answered your own question. Just tell your ex-best man that he's still you're best friend, but he obviously doesn't have the time to devote to being the best man at your wedding, and the honor should go to someone who has already demonstrated they want to support you through the day. The key when you tell him is to make it you-focused, about how this benefits him... Takes him off the spot with the wife, he doesn't have to worry about the dance, etc.
this is great, i have to write this down
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      06-27-2012, 09:41 AM   #16
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Bump up the other dude. Your current best man is dead weight on this whole ceremony and you can't continue to let him drag you down on what is YOUR day. Demote him instantly. He should understand if you tell him how you feel.
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      06-27-2012, 09:47 AM   #17
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Your best man is seriously pussy whipped.

Get rid of him.
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      06-27-2012, 09:49 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PicassoM View Post
start Rant/

So i've come to a bit of a cross road with the best man in my wedding, 2 months before the big day. We've been best friends for the past 12 years through college years into our careers. However he met his wife 2 years ago (was married within 1 year) and honestly things have changed drastically. Never hear from him, we don't have much in common anymore, he always has this chip on the shoulder from me giving him crap in the past about changing who he is for his wife. OMG there's been FB drama, the whole 9 yards, Now I feel like I barely know him.

I made him my best man since we've been friends for so long and at the time things were better than they are now. I probably didn't think it through enough at the time. Few facts:
  • He being my best man is the only groomsman not going to the bachelor party (because he doesn't want his wife to get jealous and he doesn't want to risk cheating on his wife), He also didn't try to help plan any of it
  • He didn't organize or go to the tux fitting and went to a baby shower instead
  • He is one of the last people to still not send in the RSVP for the wedding, it's got a damn stamp on it, how hard is that?
  • Never really offered to help
  • I had to organize getting all the groomsmen to get together
  • Seems to care less about the wedding and thinks i'm a groomzilla

Another one of my best friends has done all of the above, recently just helped me through an injury i sustained which landed me in the ER for 5 hours and he's just always there for me and honestly my best friend and has never changed who he is.

I feel like I screwed up and put the wrong guy with the title and responsibility that I expected. Issue I have is that this is my one wedding. I feel like if I keep him, i'm not having the wedding how I want it, and for the price i'm paying and the image I always had in my head about my special day, my conscious tells me I should change him out, even though it may cause waves and possibly close a friendship that really doesn't seem to matter to me anymore.

On the other hand my brain also tells me to just leave it be, don't make waves, keep the wedding going smooth.

There's a lot more to the story, but this is just the 20,000 ft level. I'm going to have a talk with him this week, and am really considering making the change and letting him know how I feel.

Just looking for some thoughts. It's a tough situation and it's also very disheartening to see someone you used to call your brother end up being someone that really doesn't exist in your life anymore the way you expected them to always be there. Even my soon to be wife thinks he sucks as a best man...



/rant
You and your best friend are both women.

I have never met a man who was involved in 'FB drama' have a little dignity.

P.S. - if your friend is afraid he is going to cheat that means he has cheated, and that is why he is on a short leash. Catch up with him in a couple years, after he gets divorced.
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      06-27-2012, 09:49 AM   #19
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Close friends are the ones who aren't afraid to tell the other ones the truth. You need to talk to him if his friendship is worth anything to you IMO. At least that's how my group of friends do it. Recently, they have sat me down to talk to me about some of my personal life. They repeated up and down, they didn't want to offend me... I actually thanked them quite a bit for reaching out to me because they did it because they truly care for my well-being.

Good luck with your situation and congratulations for getting married.
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      06-27-2012, 09:52 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterSkiMask View Post
You and your best friend are both women.

I have never met a man who was involved in 'FB drama' have a little dignity.

P.S. - if your friend is afraid he is going to cheat that means he has cheated, and that is why he is on a short leash. Catch up with him in a couple years, after he gets divorced.
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      06-27-2012, 10:00 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterSkiMask View Post
You and your best friend are both women.

I have never met a man who was involved in 'FB drama' have a little dignity.

P.S. - if your friend is afraid he is going to cheat that means he has cheated, and that is why he is on a short leash. Catch up with him in a couple years, after he gets divorced.
yeah man, honestly the ridiculous part of the "FB drama" was him being tagged in party pictures that happened before he met his wife. He didn't want to be associated to his past since he has a "new image" now. So he deleted his FB and eventually made his wife delete her FB. Crazy if you ask me.

No comment on the cheating thing, lets just say he had his "own" bachelor party before his wedding that no one new of and I found out about only months ago

Quote:
Close friends are the ones who aren't afraid to tell the other ones the truth. You need to talk to him if his friendship is worth anything to you IMO. At least that's how my group of friends do it. Recently, they have sat me down to talk to me about some of my personal life. They repeated up and down, they didn't want to offend me... I actually thanked them quite a bit for reaching out to me because they did it because they truly care for my well-being.

Good luck with your situation and congratulations for getting married.
Thanks and agreed, this is what is going to happen this week.
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      06-27-2012, 10:13 AM   #22
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Dump the dude and ask the other one. A good best man can make or break a wedding IMO. have you ever fired anyone? Its like the same thing. Sure it's tough but it has to be done.
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