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      09-02-2011, 05:18 PM   #177
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      09-02-2011, 05:22 PM   #178
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The more I learn, the more I like Texas

It's quite simple and you can live anywhere...don't get married, it makes no sense for a guy.
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      09-02-2011, 05:41 PM   #179
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Originally Posted by mylydiamy View Post
Thanks.

I am glad that you were able to take advantage of your step daughter's illegal activities.

Unfortunately, I have no such luck. My soon to be ex is as clean as it gets. No adultery (at least as far as I know), no hidden assets, no illegal activity, nothing... I have trying to come up something that I can use as bargaining chips but no luck so far...

As far as divorce lawyers concerned, I agree with you 110%. Unfortunately everyone in divorce needs one. I am trying to get the best one consulting as many as I could (so far 4 and I am planning to see 2-3 more). Basically they all told me the same thing : Most likely I am in for life about 3-4K a month alimony and $1000-$1500 child support until my daughter graduates from college. I am trying get the smartest one using my instincts.

I didn't expect to find that out, but my point was that if you look hard enough, you'll find something to give you leverage in a negotiation. You said you were working hard while she was out partying, there's a start, build on that.

One thing to be clear on, you don't HAVE to pay anything...the outlines are there if you end up litigating. Those guidelines are there for the judge to follow if you and your ex can't come to a resolution. Unfortunately, spouses seem to think they're ENTITLED to that. There are two sides to each argument, screw entitlement.

Another option to consider is collaborative law. If you're not familiar with that, it's where you and your ex promise NOT to litigate and instead try to reason and bargain with each other. It is a far more civil method and is starting to gain traction in many states.

Please don't take anything I say as an attack on you, I truly know and feel what you're going through. I'd be more than happy to listen to anything you have to say. My whole position is that we (males) needn't be taken advantage of by a system that expects us to just roll over and "pay up".

Best wishes to you through this whole ordeal, I really mean that.
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      09-02-2011, 06:40 PM   #180
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Why can't you just not sign the divorce papers?

Sorry I don't know much about divorce..
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      09-02-2011, 07:13 PM   #181
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Originally Posted by my nuts on your face View Post
I'd hire a hit. In all seriousness though, that sucks bro. Sorry to hear about your missfortune. Your situation is a huge reason why i don't EVER want to get married. Just seems like there is nothing good in marriage for men these days. :/
Oh snap- there must be a lot of sad ladies that "My nuts on your face" you lives "in your mom's twat" is off the market. You must be quite a catch.
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      09-02-2011, 07:20 PM   #182
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^^^lol yeah, i'm quite the catch! Hahaha...i like to have fun and think the mods are dicks. So, whatever

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      09-02-2011, 07:25 PM   #183
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Originally Posted by FwdFtl View Post
Any happily married men that can chime in? I've read nothing but negative views about marriage based on OP's situation, there has to be some benefits right?

*crickets*
I chimed in earlier. I met my wife in high school. We started dating in college (separate schools in the same town), got married way too young (I was barely 22, which made a prenup beyond pointless anyway) and are still going strong 12 years later. We're much different people than when we got married, but grew together. Much BETTER people, I'd say. We travel (including a 1-year around the world trip), ski all winter, and live a good life. Nobody understands each other like we do. Nobody is perfect, so nothing is ever 100% great, but we live a pretty good life. Life is mostly day-to-day reality, not a fairy-tale fantasy, so both need to manage their expectations. We don't argue that much, and they are never serious or long lasting. We both hate making each other upset, so that helps.

We were together for about 4 years before getting married. We didn't see it as a very big step- mostly a formality due to social structure of the society we live in. In other words, we were just as committed to each other before getting married. I think some women, and men too, have unreasonable expectations of marriage. Those who say "oh- everything changes" are doing it wrong. Very little changed for us beyond some jewelry, how we filed our taxes and how she signed her name.

We don't play games. We say what's on our minds.

No kids. Life only gets easier with no kids. I have a feeling a lot of failed marriages wouldn't have failed if they didn't have kids. Life won't be the same when you have them, so don't expect it to be. You're living for someone else at that point, and will have someone more important to you than your spouse at that point.

Don't marry someone just because you think they're sexy. They have to be your best friend, for a few years. Someone you want to hang out with before your guy friends (we were actually platonic friends for quite a while before dating). You have to know her well enough where you know you can put complete trust in her.

We're also atheists. Atheists have the lowest divorce rate, probably mostly because we don't get married for stupid reasons, like to have sex without offending imaginary friends or your church/church friends.

It's true that sex with one person for ages loses its sense of adventure. I think you have it a little less as you get older (mid 30's now) anyway, since you only think about it about 40% of the time, rather than 80%. When you want it it's easy though. "Hey...wanna have a quickie?" All the more reason to not marry someone just because you think they're sexy though. That won't last no matter how hot she is (look at...I don't know...Jenifer Aniston), but friendship can. If the sex is all you got...well...you're fucked.

Oh yeah- never marry a spendthrift. They don't have to be a financial wizard, but don't marry someone who's a spendthrift or is financially irresponsible. That'll cook a marriage faster than just about anything. If your girl comes from a wealthy family, make sure she knows you aren't her daddy and you'll have to make some big compromises for the first few years. If YOU are a spendthrift, get your own house in order before marrying someone.

Last edited by carve; 09-03-2011 at 12:24 AM.
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      09-02-2011, 09:46 PM   #184
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carve View Post
I chimed in earlier. I met my wife in high school. We started dating in college (separate schools in the same town), got married way too young (I was barely 22, which made a prenup beyond pointless anyway) and are still going strong 12 years later. We're much different people than when we got married, but grew together. Much BETTER people, I'd say. We travel (including a 1-year around the world trip), ski all winter, and live a good life. Nobody understand each other like we do. Nobody is perfect, so nothing is ever 100% perfect, but we live a pretty good life. We don't argue that much, and they are never serious or long lasting. We both hate making each other upset, so that helps.

We were together for about 4.5 years before getting married. We didn't see it as a very big step- mostly a formality due to social structure of the society we live in. In other words, we were just as committed to each other before getting married. I think some women, and men too, have unreasonable expectations of marriage. Those who say "oh- everything changes" are doing it wrong. Very little changed for us beyond some jewelry, how we filed our taxes and how she signed her name.

We don't play games. We say what's on our minds.

No kids. Life only gets easier with no kids. I have a feeling a lot of failed marriages wouldn't have failed if they didn't have kids. Life won't be the same when you have them, so don't expect it to. You're living for someone else at that point, and will have someone more important to you than your spouse at that point.

Don't marry someone just because you think they're sexy. They have to be your best friend, for a few years. Someone you want to hang out with before your guy friends (we were actually platonic friends for quite a while before dating). You have to know her well enough where you know you can put complete trust in her.

We're also atheists. Atheists have the lowest divorce rate, probably mostly because we don't get married for stupid reasons, like to have sex without offending imaginary friends or your church/church friends.

It's true that sex with one person for ages loses its sense of adventure. I think you have it a little less as you get older (mid 30's now) anyway, since you only think about it about 40% of the time, rather than 80%. When you want it it's easy though. "Hey...wanna have a quickie?" All the more reason to not marry someone just because you think they're sexy though. That won't last, but friendship can. If the sex is all you got...well...you're fucked.

Oh yeah- never marry a spendthrift. They don't have to be a financial wizard, but don't marry someone who's a spendthrift or is financially irresponsible. That'll cook a marriage faster than just about anything. If YOU are a spendthrift, get your own house in order before marrying someone.
I am really happy for you. I and my wife were extremely happy until my daughter was born. Everybody used ask us what our secret was. But after my daughter we became further and further apart each day.

I think most marriages that end up in divorce would be ok it the couple don't have any kids. As much fun as kids are, they create a lot problems, mainly financial issues which lead to other issues.

I personally haven't seen a happy couple with kids. Maybe this is just a coincidence, but very friend, family member or neighbor with kids thatI know either have divorced, or in the middle of divorce or staying married unhappily because of financial reasons.
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      09-02-2011, 11:04 PM   #185
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Have you tried hitting her?
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      09-02-2011, 11:47 PM   #186
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Read this thread; not sure this has been asked yet...

Why aren't YOU gunning for custody of your daughter. For all the things that have been said, it seems you care very much about her.
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      09-03-2011, 12:03 AM   #187
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Well, I suppose I'm happy my prediction was accurate, mylydiamy. It sucks that's the way it usually is. I'd appreciate having kids...once I'm old. I'd like to have had kids...I just don't want to raise them. I guess that's male biology for you. Why did you two decide to have a kid?

My wife's family is the opposite. Almost everyone is married with kids ...parents....grandparents...sibling...most aunts and uncles. The only ones who got divorced were two of her cousins- both pre-kid, thankfully. Weird. Maybe I'm just projecting. Her parents though...they seem relatively content, but lead different lives. Her mother avoids any confrontation with anyone at almost all costs, too, so that might smooth out the rough spots.

Last edited by carve; 09-03-2011 at 12:18 AM.
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      09-03-2011, 03:00 AM   #188
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carve View Post
We're also atheists. Atheists have the lowest divorce rate, probably mostly because we don't get married for stupid reasons, like to have sex without offending imaginary friends or your church/church friends.
actually, arranged marriages (for economic stability) last the longest b/c finances are a need whereas love (in romantic marriages) is a want. atheists (such as me) tend to be more rational and approach marriage w/ cautious optimism. i'm just splitting hairs though...
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      09-03-2011, 03:02 AM   #189
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on a side note, did you know "atheists are a vortex of instability with much accompanying turmoil and mental anguish?"

http://atheismexposed.tripod.com/atheists_divorce.htm


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      09-03-2011, 03:34 AM   #190
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Originally Posted by V1.47fan View Post
Too late for that....She got him by the balls.
I was referring to another poster. OP is screwed.

I read the stuff in this thread and it seems like I am from another planet. Apparently, the lesson here is if you live in one of these fucked up states and are in a marriage, take notes and document the crazy shit she does so you can fall back on it, like somebody did upthread.
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      09-03-2011, 11:23 PM   #191
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Welcome to America! In mother russia lawyer pays u
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      09-04-2011, 09:20 AM   #192
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Quote:
Originally Posted by taibanl View Post
Read this thread; not sure this has been asked yet...

Why aren't YOU gunning for custody of your daughter. For all the things that have been said, it seems you care very much about her.
As you said care about her a lot. I thought about it but I believe my daughter is better of with my wife since I have long work hours.
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      09-04-2011, 09:43 PM   #193
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Wow there are some incredible life lessons to be learned from this thread . Good luck OP!
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      09-04-2011, 09:48 PM   #194
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Sorry to here bro. If you haven't yet you should check out this website. I'm told it's been very helpful for men in your situation.

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/test
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      09-04-2011, 10:18 PM   #195
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FwdFtl View Post
Any happily married men that can chime in? I've read nothing but negative views about marriage based on OP's situation, there has to be some benefits right?

*crickets*
I don't think it'll do the OP any good, but married men tend to live longer, have cheaper insurance (as a consequence, I think), and generally do less stuff that is risky, and generally less stress.
I think having kids counteracts alot of that :-)
Anytime you share your live with another person, be it a roommate, coworker, spouse, child, etc... you have to deal with those other people. You can choose to spend that time with people that are more or less pleasant to deal with (except you don't quite get to choose your children's personality...it tends to be a mix of you and your mate's and the people that are around your children, sometimes better, sometimes worse), and you can choose how to handle their behavior (unyielding, pushover, or somewhere in the middle).
I think you choose your battles, and if you find yourself always having unpleasant interactions with others, either in general or with specific people...maybe you should look in the mirror once in a while to figure out why.

No relationship stays unchanged with time. People change, especially kids... sometimes this change makes things better, sometimes worse. Women's personalities can change alot after having children...some parts for the better, some parts for the worse...some from hormones, some from the new situations they're dealing with.

There are no certainties in life, and I think you can either roll with the punches and get the best you can out of life, or you can be bitter about setbacks and let them eat you up.

Also, most good luck comes from preparation. If you go into marriage prepared for the worst and informed about what your spouse believes and expects, you'll probably have better luck in the long run than if you go into it on a whim.

My wife and I have been through really good and really bad times..with and without (and in between) kids. The rollercoaster isn't over yet. I'm sure there are higher highs and lower lows ahead, and the only things that are certain are death and taxes, but that's life. You can sit on the sidelines or you can jump in... just look first or don't complain about what you hit. You won't see everything bad that's coming, but that's life too.

I wish you all the best of luck this week, and long lives full of good things.
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      09-05-2011, 02:46 AM   #196
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ///My5UV View Post
I don't think it'll do the OP any good, but married men tend to live longer, have cheaper insurance (as a consequence, I think), and generally do less stuff that is risky, and generally less stress.
I think having kids counteracts alot of that :-)
Anytime you share your live with another person, be it a roommate, coworker, spouse, child, etc... you have to deal with those other people. You can choose to spend that time with people that are more or less pleasant to deal with (except you don't quite get to choose your children's personality...it tends to be a mix of you and your mate's and the people that are around your children, sometimes better, sometimes worse), and you can choose how to handle their behavior (unyielding, pushover, or somewhere in the middle).
I think you choose your battles, and if you find yourself always having unpleasant interactions with others, either in general or with specific people...maybe you should look in the mirror once in a while to figure out why.

No relationship stays unchanged with time. People change, especially kids... sometimes this change makes things better, sometimes worse. Women's personalities can change alot after having children...some parts for the better, some parts for the worse...some from hormones, some from the new situations they're dealing with.

There are no certainties in life, and I think you can either roll with the punches and get the best you can out of life, or you can be bitter about setbacks and let them eat you up.

Also, most good luck comes from preparation. If you go into marriage prepared for the worst and informed about what your spouse believes and expects, you'll probably have better luck in the long run than if you go into it on a whim.

My wife and I have been through really good and really bad times..with and without (and in between) kids. The rollercoaster isn't over yet. I'm sure there are higher highs and lower lows ahead, and the only things that are certain are death and taxes, but that's life. You can sit on the sidelines or you can jump in... just look first or don't complain about what you hit. You won't see everything bad that's coming, but that's life too.

I wish you all the best of luck this week, and long lives full of good things.
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      09-05-2011, 08:27 AM   #197
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OP, don't divorce. It will cost you more at the end
Wisdom.

OP needs to show more maturity, to get out of that negative mindset ASAP and work something constructive with the once love-of-his-life. He is part of the problem (with his attitude we see here). To blame her because she took a different job with a lower income is the best example; you clearly don't respect her choice. MISTAKE. Constructive marital counseling is the next step. And make sure that it is not a bitching session or you'll be sorry again.

Unless he doesn't care being poor for the rest of his life. At the end of the day, he'll be even more negatively impacted than you think after a divorce. Not even mentioning his daughter who deserves better.
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      09-05-2011, 12:26 PM   #198
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kwando View Post
Sorry to here bro. If you haven't yet you should check out this website. I'm told it's been very helpful for men in your situation.

http://www.dadsdivorce.com/test
Thanks. It has a lot good stuff. Also it is good to know that I am not the only on in this situation.
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