BMW M3 Forum (E90 E92)

BMW Garage BMW Meets Register Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Go Back   M3Post - BMW M3 Forum > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board
 
Post Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      02-20-2009, 01:45 PM   #23
gadget
Major
 
gadget's Avatar
 
Drives: 09 e92///M SSII DCT
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: US

Posts: 1,162
iTrader: (0)

Sheer Negligee
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
gadget is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      02-20-2009, 01:47 PM   #24
gadget
Major
 
gadget's Avatar
 
Drives: 09 e92///M SSII DCT
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: US

Posts: 1,162
iTrader: (0)

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, settingit on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?
gadget is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      02-20-2009, 11:13 PM   #25
Scorpion
Major
 
Drives: Nothing
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Nowhere

Posts: 1,215
iTrader: (0)

hahahahaha keep them coming man lol.
Scorpion is offline   No_Country
0
Reply With Quote
      02-21-2009, 12:15 PM   #26
headred
Private First Class
 
headred's Avatar
 
Drives: '06 325i
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Poway, CA

Posts: 146
iTrader: (2)

Travelling Salesman... Kinda Long but worth it.

There's a travelling salesman... hasn't made a single sale in a month. He decides to go into this bar and get hammered. The guy sits down at the bar and orders 2 beers. On the back of the bar is a fish tank... 3 feet long, 2 feet high and 2 feet deep... stuffed with $20.00 bills.

The bartender comes over and says... "There's a lot of money I know."

"What's that all about?" The salesman asks.

"I've had this bar a long time, been taken for a lot of free drinks on bar bets. I came up with a bet of my own... are you curious?"

"Hell yes... what do I have to do?"

"There's 3 challenges: First, you see that guy over there? He used to be a Hollywood stuntman. Go pick a fight and win. Second, I have a pitbull out back, he's got a bad tooth...you gotta pull it out with just your hands. Third, there is a 90 year old prostitute upstairs... hasn't had an orgasm in 30 years. Help her out with that and you win the cash."

"Pitbull huh?"

"Yeah... his name is Jaws!"

"Lemme think about it." The salesman says.

The guy drinks his 2 beers and then 2 more... throws down 20 bucks... "I'm in." And stumbles over to the stuntman.

10 minutes the stuntman is laying on the floor, out cold, blood dripping from his face.

"That's pretty good... people have gotten that far before."

"All right... where's the dog?" He slurs.

The salesman goes out back, Jaws starts to bark and growl wildly for a few minutes and then yelps repeatedly.

The salesman stumbles back into the bar and says... "Alright... where's the hooker with the bad tooth."
headred is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      02-25-2009, 07:37 PM   #27
328ZSP
Second Lieutenant
 
328ZSP's Avatar
 
Drives: '07 E92 328i
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Killeen TX, Fairfax VT

Posts: 275
iTrader: (2)

Garage List
2007 E92 328i  [0.00]
Send a message via AIM to 328ZSP Send a message via Yahoo to 328ZSP
two aliens crash land in a field. They walk for a while and the first thing they come across is a gas station. the first alien walks up to a gas pump and says "take me to your leader." of course the gas pump does nothing and so the alien repeats his demand. nothing happens, he looks at the other alien, shrugs and demands again "take me to your leader or ill blow you to bits with my laser." nothing again so the the alien fired at the gas pump. there was a huge explosion which threw the aliens way back in a field across the road. the second alien looks to the first one and says "i knew he was a bad son of a bitch the way he had his dick slung over his shoulder and tucked in to his ear"
__________________
'07 328i E92 | Sparkling Graphite | Saddle Brown | Gray Poplar | ZSP | CA | Heated Seats | BMW Performance Exhaust | BMW performance SSK | Valentine1 |
European delivery - Military Sales
328ZSP is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      02-26-2009, 02:04 AM   #28
Jammin Jason
We run LA
 
Jammin Jason's Avatar
 
Drives: Slow E90
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Socal

Posts: 352
iTrader: (0)

Garage List
06 E90  [0.00]
Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse", she replied.

Little Michael just said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!
__________________
HATERS GONNA HATE
Jammin Jason is offline   Ras al-Khaimah
0
Reply With Quote
      02-27-2009, 04:10 PM   #29
SoYank
Major General
 
SoYank's Avatar
 
Drives: 2009 E90 335i MT
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Brighton, Colorado

Posts: 7,496
iTrader: (1)

Garage List
Send a message via Yahoo to SoYank Send a message via Skype™ to SoYank
Chase Manhattan -- Long

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that this was a reasonable request, and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to about $3 million, telephoned the bank president's secretary to obtain an appoint for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank presiden then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think where this little old lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

"I bet," she stated. "You bet!" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances -- there was $25,0000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00; humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day -- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
__________________
2009 E90 335i Montego Blue Black Leather Burl Walnut 6MT US Spec
SatNav ZPP ZCW 6FL TPMS iDrive PDC HWS Xenons BMW Assist Power Rear Sunshade Logic 7
European Taillights Rear Foglamp OEM Alarm PicoTray DataToys XM-DVR Multi-view Processor
Quaife ATB LSD Short Shift Knob Hartge Anti-Roll Bars AP Racing Front Brakes 19" Style 269
SoYank is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      02-27-2009, 06:29 PM   #30
gadget
Major
 
gadget's Avatar
 
Drives: 09 e92///M SSII DCT
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: US

Posts: 1,162
iTrader: (0)

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
gadget is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      02-27-2009, 06:31 PM   #31
gadget
Major
 
gadget's Avatar
 
Drives: 09 e92///M SSII DCT
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: US

Posts: 1,162
iTrader: (0)

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
gadget is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-07-2009, 10:34 AM   #32
Arizona_Steve
Driving 'Mr Car Car'
 
Arizona_Steve's Avatar
 
Drives: 2009 BMW 135i
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Phoenix, Arizona

Posts: 71
iTrader: (0)

What does toilet paper have in common with the Star Ship Enterprise?

They both go around Uranus wiping out Klingons.
Arizona_Steve is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-08-2009, 11:55 AM   #33
Zirenz2006
Brigadier General
 
Zirenz2006's Avatar
 
Drives: 12' F30 328i Sport Line
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: US - RI

Posts: 3,219
iTrader: (0)

Did you hear about the kid who wanted to be a plumber?


His parents said it was a pipe dream.
Zirenz2006 is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-08-2009, 11:56 AM   #34
Zirenz2006
Brigadier General
 
Zirenz2006's Avatar
 
Drives: 12' F30 328i Sport Line
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: US - RI

Posts: 3,219
iTrader: (0)

Did you hear about the pilot who got a promotion?


His career really took off.
Zirenz2006 is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-08-2009, 11:57 AM   #35
Zirenz2006
Brigadier General
 
Zirenz2006's Avatar
 
Drives: 12' F30 328i Sport Line
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: US - RI

Posts: 3,219
iTrader: (0)

Did you hear about the guy who decided to become an author?


He wanted to start a new chapter in his life.
Zirenz2006 is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-08-2009, 11:58 AM   #36
Zirenz2006
Brigadier General
 
Zirenz2006's Avatar
 
Drives: 12' F30 328i Sport Line
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: US - RI

Posts: 3,219
iTrader: (0)

Did you hear about the pilot who hit a flock of geese?



He said don't worry, it's just some FOWL weather.
Zirenz2006 is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-10-2009, 11:11 AM   #37
Crimson92
Smiling Politely
 
Crimson92's Avatar
 
Drives: Like a boss
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Whales Vagina

Posts: 28,613
iTrader: (3)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zirenz2006 View Post
Did you hear about the kid who wanted to be a plumber?


His parents said it was a pipe dream.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zirenz2006 View Post
Did you hear about the pilot who got a promotion?


His career really took off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zirenz2006 View Post
Did you hear about the guy who decided to become an author?


He wanted to start a new chapter in his life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zirenz2006 View Post
Did you hear about the pilot who hit a flock of geese?



He said don't worry, it's just some FOWL weather.
so bad
__________________
Quote:
Some people are like slinkies...not really good for much but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs"
Crimson92 is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-10-2009, 04:18 PM   #38
SoYank
Major General
 
SoYank's Avatar
 
Drives: 2009 E90 335i MT
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Brighton, Colorado

Posts: 7,496
iTrader: (1)

Garage List
Send a message via Yahoo to SoYank Send a message via Skype™ to SoYank
The king of Egypt finally got indoor plumbing in his palace but the pipes aways sprung leaks. He called for someone to come fix it but everyone was to afraid of him to even apply for the job. Everyone except a young lady of flaxen hair. She admitted she knew nothing about plumbing but told the king that if he should sponsor her in the local technical school she would gladly attend to all of the pipework in the palace. The king agreed and this young lady of flaxen hair became known as the Pharoh's Faucet Major.
__________________
2009 E90 335i Montego Blue Black Leather Burl Walnut 6MT US Spec
SatNav ZPP ZCW 6FL TPMS iDrive PDC HWS Xenons BMW Assist Power Rear Sunshade Logic 7
European Taillights Rear Foglamp OEM Alarm PicoTray DataToys XM-DVR Multi-view Processor
Quaife ATB LSD Short Shift Knob Hartge Anti-Roll Bars AP Racing Front Brakes 19" Style 269
SoYank is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-10-2009, 04:43 PM   #39
addy85
Got beef?
 
addy85's Avatar
 
Drives: E90 335i
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Arlington Texas

Posts: 3,646
iTrader: (4)

Garage List
2007 335i  [0.00]
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoYank View Post
The king of Egypt finally got indoor plumbing in his palace but the pipes aways sprung leaks. He called for someone to come fix it but everyone was to afraid of him to even apply for the job. Everyone except a young lady of flaxen hair. She admitted she knew nothing about plumbing but told the king that if he should sponsor her in the local technical school she would gladly attend to all of the pipework in the palace. The king agreed and this young lady of flaxen hair became known as the Pharoh's Faucet Major.
__________________

Special Thanks to AU335
addy85 is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
      03-11-2009, 11:27 AM   #40
Kensta335
Brigadier General
 
Kensta335's Avatar
 
Drives: 335i Coupe
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: So Cal 626

Posts: 3,632
iTrader: (4)

A man goes into prison and he sees something odd. One of the convicts says a number and everyone laughs. Curious to know what it's all about, he asks the convict. "You see," he explains, "we have these jokes so well memorized, all we have to do is to call out the number and everyone gets it instantly."
The man calls out a number. "203". Everyone starts laughing hard. "Good one, we haven't heard about that one before."
Kensta335 is offline  
0
Reply With Quote
      03-11-2009, 11:27 AM   #41
Kensta335
Brigadier General
 
Kensta335's Avatar
 
Drives: 335i Coupe
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: So Cal 626

Posts: 3,632
iTrader: (4)

A chinese man, an english man, and an irish man were all backpacking when one day the chinese man ran away with the supplies. A few weeks later, just as the english and irish man are about to die of starvation, the chinese man pops out behind a tree and yells "SUPLISE! SUPLISE!"
Kensta335 is offline  
0
Reply With Quote
      03-11-2009, 11:29 AM   #42
Kensta335
Brigadier General
 
Kensta335's Avatar
 
Drives: 335i Coupe
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: So Cal 626

Posts: 3,632
iTrader: (4)

An asian guy is skipping rocks in a lake, and a black guy comes up and says, "what are you doing?" the asian guy replies, "I'm skipping rocks in this lake. When you do that, it tells you the names of your ancestors. Watch." So the asian guy skips a rock into the lake and it goes, "chin..dong...wang..."

The black guy says, "wow! thats so cool! let me try." So he throws a rock in the lake and it goes, "chim...pan...zee..." He gets confused and says, "that cant be right let me try again. He throws another one in the lake, "chim...pan...zee..." so then he gets angry and throws a boulder into the lake, and it goes 'BABOON!!!!'
Kensta335 is offline  
0
Reply With Quote
      09-30-2011, 05:49 PM   #43
808@702
7th BMW, 500th Surfboard
 
808@702's Avatar
 
Drives: My girlfriends crazy!
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Las Vegas, Nv. and Honolulu, Hi.

Posts: 982
iTrader: (0)

County worker: So a typically lazy, slow moving county worker is busy cleaning out a storage closet, and he finds a dusty old lamp. He grabs a cloth and wipes it and Whoosh out pops a Genie. "I grant you three wishes master" the Genie says! The county worker is skeptical and says "yeah right this aint for real"! "Try it" the Genie says so the worker says "give me a cold beer" and Whoosh theres an ice cold Heineken in his hand! "Holy Shit this is for real" he says and realiizes he need to give each wish more thought. "Uhh ok, put me on a deserted island with 50 gorgeous naked women" and Whoosh he is on the island surrounded by all the babes. "Yeehaw" he screams! "This is great, now for my last wish I never want to work another day in my life" and Whoosh he is back at his county job...
808@702 is offline  
0
Reply With Quote
      10-27-2011, 04:53 PM   #44
OlivaresAnthony
Colonel
 
OlivaresAnthony's Avatar
 
Drives: E90 325i
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: San Diego, CA

Posts: 2,092
iTrader: (6)

Garage List
2006 325i  [5.00]
2007 335i  [0.00]
__________________
E90 325i|Sparkling Graphite Metallic|Steptronic|Black Leatherette/Dark Burl Interior|OEM Alarm|35%Front/5%Rear Tint|RD LED License Plate Lights|Rear Fogs Activated|Debadged|Smoked Sidemarkers|Blacklines|Depo P90v2|Matte Black Grille|BMS PBX|AFE Drop In|Charcoal Filter Delete|Air Scoops|19" Avant Garde M310|Continental DWS|M3 Lip Spoiler
OlivaresAnthony is offline   United_States
0
Reply With Quote
Post Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:21 AM.




m3post
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST