Joke of the year competition.

[1smokehouse]

Originally Posted by pukicabuki

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?








The wheelchair.

Ok, I feel guilty that this is funny, but it is LOL!

[classyfast]

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover upright vacuum?
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The position of the dirt bag!

Love that one!

[SenorFunkyPants]

Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children.
I'm not doing any more Michael Jackson jokes, because they almost always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad.

[Nugget]

I knew my sexual fetishes were getting worse but it wasn't until I spanked a marble statue that I realised I hit rock bottom.

[Nugget]

Never believed wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture. But now I stand corrected.

[1smokehouse]

If a canoe rolled up in your backyard how many buttermilk pancakes would it take to cover the doghouse?

Doghouses don't smell pancakes...

[CANGRKE70]

Originally Posted by MrPrena

The gold digger of a girlfriend came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.

"Not really," he replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on his face, He noticed her expression change. She had realized her mistake, however it was too late. Where he had previously seen arousal in her eyes, he now saw only blind terror...

As he shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

For a second I thought this was a Sara story...kidding kidding...

I win joke of the year

[Nkc]

I hear they're planning to put a women on a $10 bill. Does this mean that the bill is only worth $7.70?

[Kwando]

Why did the baby cross the road?


Because it was stitched to the chicken.

[Stage1]

A man was drinking, obviously way to heavily, in a bar one night. The next day he returned to the bar sat down and ordered a coffee. The bartender snickered and asked," are you sure you don't want another shot of whiskey?" Holding his stomach the man replied," no, please, I drank so much last night that I went home and blew chunks all night long." The bartender said, "see what happens when you drink too much, you end up throwing up all night." The man replied." no, you don't understand, chunks is my dog".

[jfox335i]

Welcome to Passive-Aggressive anonymous. No, it's fine you're 20 minutes late, go ahead and grab a coffee , we'll wait.

[upstatedoc]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

[CANGRKE70]

Shit is getting dark in here...what's next ISIS jokes? God Damn!

[MrPrena]

A southern Louisiana preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[ASBSECU E93]

Originally Posted by MrPrena

A southern Louisiana preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Joke of the year folks!

[MrPrena]

Originally Posted by ASBSECU E93

Joke of the year folks!

I usually like strong punch line jokes.

[Mr Tonka]

A woman, tired of being without a husband, sex or even a date thinks something may be wrong with her and decides to see her Dr. When she got to her Dr's office she learned that her Dr. wasn't available but his partner Dr. Chang could see her. After introductions he asked, "wat was wong wif". She explained that she was having a difficult time getting a date, let alone someone to have sex with her.

Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman, quite surprised weighs the options and complies. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman perplexed decided she'd try anything.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy, vewy, bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Quite distressed, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[MrPrena]

^ Ken Jeong's new tv sitcom Dr Ken could use that joke.

[Templar]

Originally Posted by CANGRKE70

For a second I thought this was a Sara story...kidding kidding...

I win joke of the year

Better put some ice on that BURN!

[ASBSECU E93]

Originally Posted by CANGRKE70

For a second I thought this was a Sara story...kidding kidding...

I win joke of the year

Originally Posted by Templar

Better put some ice on that BURN!

[NEFARIOUS]

This is my favorite joke, but Henry the Rooster is my absolute favorite (but I know you guys hate reading, so...).

Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner.

"Hello?" said a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug, went out the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my god! What about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed naked, then jumped out the back window into the pool, but he must've forgot that you drained it to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the pool, and now he's dead too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Pool? Is this 555-7039?"

[NEFARIOUS]

INB4 bitching about my posts being too long, here's a frickin' video that had me doubling over laughing. Hell, even people with the attention span of a goldfish can take a 2 minute video, right?