Advice on a soon to be married guy

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by SakhirM4

This is really wrong on so many levels. I have been married for 42 years and guarantee you that a successful and happy marriage is based on trust and respect for each other. Your outlook provides neither.

Just because one way worked for you, doesn't mean it works for everyone.

my definition of trust and respect might differ from yours.

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by SakhirM4

This is really wrong on so many levels. I have been married for 42 years and guarantee you that a successful and happy marriage is based on trust and respect for each other. Your outlook provides neither.

I think you don't understand what he's saying. By his logic, you're only untrustworthy if you get busted. Otherwise everything is cool and there is no need to fret.

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

I think you don't understand what he's saying. By his logic, you're only untrustworthy if you get busted. Otherwise everything is cool and there is no need to fret.

Some people go that route, others make sure the expectation is set ahead of time.

[SakhirM4]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

I think you don't understand what he's saying. By his logic, you're only untrustworthy if you get busted. Otherwise everything is cool and there is no need to fret.

I totally understand what he is saying and totally disagree. The person that cheats is untrustworthy even if they don't get caught. That's like saying that it is okay to rob banks as long as you don't get caught. I don't buy that thinking. My wife deserves my faithfulness.

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by SakhirM4

I totally understand what he is saying and totally disagree. The person that cheats is untrustworthy even if they don't get caught. That's like saying that it is okay to rob banks as long as you don't get caught. I don't buy that thinking. My wife deserves my faithfulness.

Another C- analogy showing a lack of outside the box thinking.

[infamousdiz]

marriage in a nut shell is the good out weighs the crazy. slim margin but that's life. shes just enough bat shit crazy to put up with your dumb shit.

Find a partner, an equal, who pushes you to be your best (and sometimes brings out your worst)

cheating like lying is built on a weak foundation and will only compound and be doomed from the get go. If you still lust for other woman marriage should be put on hold. get all your gang bangs out in college.

like similar hobbies, vacation, cars , the beach, whatever floats your boat. and if your partner is a wet blanket....wont work. does my wife really car about an M3? no not really but she rather drive that car then have a regular sedan and appreciates that its special.


I knew right away that this could be my partner in life and she had the quaLITIES THAT are important to me for my happiness.

[SakhirM4]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Another C- analogy showing a lack of outside the box thinking.

I am very capable of thinking outside the box. I just don't agree with your philosophy of marriage. It is way off of what I believe.

[infamousdiz]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Some people go that route, others make sure the expectation is set ahead of time.

I have to agree with your thinking on basic levels. monogamy is a society norm. but i do believe lying and manipulation undermine a healthy relationship.

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by SakhirM4

I am very capable of thinking outside the box. I just don't agree with your philosophy of marriage. It is way off of what I believe.

That's fine, nobody is asking you to change. I'm sure it was very fulfilling for you.


I was simply adding another perspective for a youngster who will mostly be hearing "if you even consider any other females, then there is something wrong with you and your marriage."

There's hope for the best of both worlds OP. Companionship and freedom.

[Lucky John]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Another C- analogy showing a lack of outside the box thinking.

How's this for a more direct analogy. Next time you're leaving town give me your wife's number and the dates. I call her up and wine and dine and schmooze her. You don't know about it. She has her freedom and you don't mind right? We all win that way.







Yeah, that's what I thought. You don't like this idea do you?

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by Lucky John

How's this for a more direct analogy. Next time you're leaving town give me your wife's number and the dates. I call her up and wine and dine and schmooze her. You don't know about it. She has her freedom and you don't mind right? We all win that way.







Yeah, that's what I thought. You don't like this idea do you?

D+ (generously)

Peddling around your wife's phone number is not germane to the subject. Also is your wife the type who would be interested in getting porked after dinner with an Internet stranger? That must be stressful for you, knowing the powder keg you're hitched with.

[Lucky John]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

D+ (generously)

Peddling around your wife's phone number is not germane to the subject. Also is your wife the type who would be interested in getting porked after dinner with an Internet stranger? That must be stressful for you, knowing the powder keg you're hitched with.

Your really not getting it. It goes right over your head. My wife has nothing to do with this. You are advocating it is okay if you fuck around. I am straight asking how would you feel if you found out your wife was fucking around? Let's say you came home a day early and she was in bed with some guy? Is that okay?

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by Lucky John

Your really not getting it. It goes right over your head. My wife has nothing to do with this. You are advocating it is okay if you fuck around. I am straight asking how would you feel if you found out your wife was fucking around? Let's say you came home a day early and she was in bed with some guy? Is that okay?

Nobody would enjoy walking home on his/her spouse in the sack. That's why you have to use discretion and be aware of the risks. I bet you make sure your wife doesn't walk in on you beating your meat to your favorite porno either, huh. Is fapping to porno "evil" because you do it discretely behind your wife's back?


The point is that you have no control over what people do on their own time. You have to trust your spouse to make wise decisions and be a good companion to you. If you feel the only thing separating your wife from giant black dicks is a promise you made to each other in your early life, then I've got bad news. At some point she's going to find those black dicks, and she's going to take them.

Like a champ.

Don't be a control freak, it will drive you crazy.

[Lucky John]

Apparently you are a hypocrite. That's okay. You might want to rethink your philosophy. You keep turning it back to me and my wife. The reality is you cheat on your spouse, you think its wrong, and try and hope you never get caught while you think it in some way makes your marriage special and stronger? Just, when I point out what if the coin was flipped and it was her, you admit you wouldn't like it.

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by Lucky John

Apparently you are a hypocrite. That's okay. You might want to rethink your philosophy. You keep turning it back to me and my wife. The reality is you cheat on your spouse, you think its wrong, and try and hope you never get caught while you think it in some way makes your marriage special and stronger? Just, when I point out what if the coin was flipped and it was her, you admit you wouldn't like it.

I am not a hypocrite, my wife and I hold each other to the same standards. Her interests and needs are different from mine, but the expectation is the same.

[Nkc]

I love where this thread is heading.

[jtodd_fl]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

That is a poor analogy and shows a misunderstanding of what I said. Theft and assault involve a tangible negative to another person. Hence they are illegal.

As an example you are out of town on a business trip, and end up shagging a cougar at the bar. The two of you are the only humans who know about it, and you come home later in the week and continue on with your wife living happily in a fantastic companionship. The only way this could become a tangible negative is if your wife found out about it and chose to be upset about it due to societal conditioning. it is an active choice to find the behaviour upsetting, considering it did not affect the relationship in any way up until the point of finding out.

If you are a male human who is capable of going decades without the desire to bone down on another female, and you're certain that you are not gay, then that is perfectly fine. Perhaps this is a bit easier if you live simpler lives. But for most men with normal programming, you very regularly want to schlep the various women who present themselves from time to time. Why waste your energy trying to avoid doing what you want to do, when you could put that towards being a better companion for your wife in more meaningful ways.

You see many couples in middle aged portion who are mildly "happy" but treat each other unromantically and act with a semblance of resentment. But they think they've done things well and given their relationship full effort because they managed to not have sex with anyone else. To me, that is toxic, and all too common.

I do see what you are saying. I did not misunderstand, I just disagree. Some would see violating your trust as a tangible negative, inherently. But the definition of tangible is what it is, so I'll leave that. Instead, I will simply say that someone capable of betraying someone else's trust in such a way is a rarely able to confine it to one thing. Few people have 1 bad secret. It is usually zero or many. As I said, the importance of fidelity to people is didfferent for different couples. The only really important thing is that you both agree on the rules of the game and that they be the same for both parties.

Edit: You seem to say in other replies, that in this scenario a) both people are free to do it and b) it is agreed and understood up front. In that case, I don't judge others for making that choice. I think it is weird that it is a "don't ask, don't tell situation". That part makes me question other fundamentals in the relationship in terms of honesty and trust. But if both parties agree, then I do think there is a braoad spectrum of what people hold important and monogamy is one of those things that matters to some and not to others. Honesty and trust, though, are pretty universal.

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by jtodd_fl

I do see what you are saying. I did not misunderstand, I just disagree. Some would see violating your trust as a tangible negative, inherently. But the definition of tangible is what it is, so I'll leave that. Instead, I will simply say that someone capable of betraying someone else's trust in such a way is a rarely able to confine it to one thing. Few people have 1 bad secret. It is usually zero or many. As I said, the importance of fidelity to people is didfferent for different couples. The only really important thing is that you both agree on the rules of the game and that they be the same for both parties.

Edit: You seem to say in other replies, that in this scenario a) both people are free to do it and b) it is agreed and understood up front. In that case, I don't judge others for making that choice. I think it is weird that it is a "don't ask, don't tell situation". That part makes me question other fundamentals in the relationship in terms of honesty and trust. But if both parties agree, then I do think there is a braoad spectrum of what people hold important and monogamy is one of those things that matters to some and not to others. Honesty and trust, though, are pretty universal.

Perfect. Now everyone can stop feeding the troll.

[eluded]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

Perfect. Now everyone can stop feeding the troll.

Nah, he looks hungry and has a point. Over 50% of marriages fail. The OP is crazy to get married especially with those doubts going into marriage. It will never work and he will eventually lose half and then some.

Remember, a ring doesn't block a hole

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by eluded

Nah, he looks hungry and has a point. Over 50% of marriages fail. The OP is crazy to get married especially with those doubts going into marriage. It will never work and he will eventually lose half and then some.

Remember, a ring doesn't block a hole

Over 50% of all Audi drivers are cocks. Guess no one should get an Audi.

Sounds legit.


Marriages fail for lots of reasons. Being faithful to one another is seldom a reason for it.

Call me crazy but i believe that part of being a stand up human is obtaining the ability to control one's sexual urges. If you can't do that, what can you control in your life? Just because the ability is there doesn't mean it's right or even ok. The baby batter is strong and once it's out of your system your ability to think clearly is again restored.

Your hungry troll does have a point. If two people want to build a life together and do so with the ability to bang other people, more power to them. But that's not an answer to 50% failed marriages. He also has a point about men and women typically having different needs. Typically women end up having sex due to an emotional connection. And he's right about most wives not wandering the mall eyeballing men's packages. But there is a flip side to his actions of banging one nighter in Dallas on that business trip. A tangible negative even and thats the fact that it's very likely the women in Dallas who became a cum dumpster for trolltastic stud engaged sexually with him due to an emotional connection. She will eventually, at some point, realize she was in fact just another convenient place for papa troll unload his penis. This is one of the reasons so many women think men are pigs. They lie and say anything to get them to spread their legs and once the pop one off, the dude is gone in a flash. Maybe that's why there are 50% failed marriage. Because women being used by guys in this manner become damaged emotionally and never fully trust the guy they end up marrying.

There are consequences for everything we do, even if they aren't felt by us, even if they aren't apparent in or just after the moment. The consequences exist and they vary by situation and by the people involved.

BTW, i haven't known many couples with "we can fuck who ever we want" relationships, but the 3 i do know of all ended in divorce. Ugly, fucked up, reputation smearing, kids dragged into love/hate triangles, divorced. I'm sure some successful ones exist, but i'd wager they are the exception to the rule.

Not everyone is just looking for a "hole".

[vince7870]

1st off if your thinking about infidelity for yourself or worried about it with your partner......listen loud and clear.....don't do it! Listen shit happens down the road that could possibly lead someone astray but that shit only becomes a viable option when shit at home ain't good! So if there's even a remote worry about that, someone isn't serious about their future together. Next,,,,you get married to build a family and have kids.....otherwise keep your dick on a lease to buy program. If you guys aren't going to share a human being well then your just looking to sign exclusivity deals on the private parts. Kids are a joined hobby that should keep you both busy until they've emptied your wallets and they have to deal with this very same perplexing question your now dealing with! Just my 2 cents! Madly in love and every time you park it you look back because you know you made the right decision!- your significant other should make you feel the same!

Good luck sir......I waited and searched and found the right one, married at 36 and now have 3 beautiful kids at 43! How I love to look at other pieces of ass never goes away.....but I would never risk losing my children! But that's for another thread ;-)

Originally Posted by ja.

Guys, been reading most of the entertaining threads here. U guys have touched on some good topics and relationships in particular.

What do you guys advice a young guy who is engaged and will soon be married?
especially for those people who have been married 20/30/40+ yrs here. Thought it would be awkward if i asked my parents whos been married for 30+yrs if any of them has cheated before lool. Soo..
Advice on how to prevent cheating? (Is it really possible not to do this..EVER?) what would the proper mindset be and how do you get her/him in that state? How to keep evolving not just as a couple but as an individual? Financial advice?

I know i can google this shit (believe me i have) but since ive been reading here, and people have mentioned about a thread like this. And u guys giving advice on breakups and cheating etc..Thought it would be proper to have a thread that would talk about trust, faithfulness, fidelity, honesty, hope and love.

[grimlock]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

Not everyone is just looking for a "hole".

Sorry, had to cue this (not a comment on women, just wanted to continue the theme of "hoes")