Advice on a soon to be married guy

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by jtodd_fl

Did not read to here - still kind of busy. Sorry. I am sure some have touched on it.
First, let me say that the fact that you care enough to actually ask people already puts you ahead of the game. I did not read your post as "holy crap, I can never fuck anyone else ever again - how do you do it." I read it as "I want to be a good and faithful husband and want my wife to be a good and faithful wife - what can I do to help ensure it." It is a noble aspiration.
I would say there are a few keys to it (and I am sure some were touched on above).
Communication, honesty, fulfillment and (all of these lead to) no resentment.

Communication: this is said so much, but is so true. Some couples don't even find sexual fidelity to be important. I assume you guys have talked about that. Communication about what is and isn't important to you, what you do and don't expect - no and forever in the relationship. What makes you happy, what makes her happy... all of it. That is so vital. Things change and without communication, you may not stay "in alignment."
Honesty: Sounds obvious. I am not talking "yes, that dress makes you look fat" honesty. I mean the real kind. You need to be honest about you want out of the relationship and out of life in general. You need to honest about feelings (yes, we men are allowed one or two). Honest about when she is pissing you off. Honest about when what she wants is different from what you want. It is hard sometimes. We tend to seek "peace" in our lives, but peace is not always the absence of open conflict. Sometimes, you need to work through shit, and the only way to find out what that shit it, is to be honest.... and communicate (see above). Any secret is destructive. Marriage is about no secrets. She will love you for who you are (or she won't). Her loving you for who you are not, is temporary and leads to the one thing to avoid the most (see resentment).
Fulfillment: This is a big one. There will be things that you need and that she needs that may not make a ton of sense. A need for a hobby or to do something like charity or save up for a certain car or something. Some type of fulfillment that is not something that one of you can just give the other. Most truly fulfilling things are fulfilling because they are something you accomplished and something that was hard. Support each other in whatever that is and don't rob each other of the pleasure of actually earning it. Leave space, but be there. Marriage is knowing that there is nothing in this world that you will ever have to face alone.
All of these contribute to the last one and the last one is really key to longevity.
Don't have any resentment: If you bury some feeling - some slight or some anger you have - and it is never rectified. You will feel resentment, even though you never gave her the knowledge she needed to make it better. You can see why this is so related to the others. If you stay in a job so long that it makes you unhappy, and you did that because you thought it is what she wanted - you will probably resent her for it. If she stays home with the kids, but really wanted a career, she will resent you for it - whether you guys told each other or not. Resentment is the seed of anger (insert Yoda speech about the dark side here).
You obviously care... embrace each other as equal partners, communicate openly and honestly... care deeply about one another's true happiness and fulfillment and honestly, the rest just works.
Corny sounding... probably - but Mr Tonka really summed it up more concisely than I did. Just be the best husband you can be and, if you have been honest up till now and are right for each other, the rest will just work.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled debauchery, already in progress.

Good stuff here.

I'll add a little application examples to the very sound concepts outlined above.

Married couples tend to fight over money, household chores, parenting responsibilities and sexual frustration.

Money: If you both will be producing income, find an amicable way to split the money. Determine how much you want to allocate to long term savings, short term savings, spending money for each of you. For us, we have our own money. I have my own checking & savings. She has her own checking & savings. We have a joint checking & savings account as well. Based on what we take home after taxes and investments who ever is bringing home more puts more towards bills, savings, etc... so that we both have the same amount of "spending money". That way when i go out and by a $3000 1911 she's got nothing to say about it. It's my money and i can do with it as i please. So long as it doesn't involve hookers and blow. Likewise, i have nothing to say when she buys a Jeep or rearranges the closet to accommodate more shoes.

Household chores: Seems simple, but depending on you girl's mindset, you doing household chores or acts of service with/for her can make her feel loved. If not, it's just nice to know upfront who's responsible for what around the house. That way there is no arguing about who's not doing what when they didn't know they were expected to be doing it.

Parenting: Same thing as the household stuff. Build equal expectations about who's responsible for what on which days.

Sex: Do it till your satisfied. In other words, be sure to make time for each other no matter the work schedule, house cleaning schedule, parenting schedule, etc... For many, it's easy to let everyday life burry one of our most primal needs.


Last add would be to make sure you guys still have separate lives. It's important that you don't lose your identity. Absence really does make the heart grow fond. I don't mean keep an apartment in the city and only stay with your wife on the weekends. I just mean keep your own interests, hobbies, passions, etc... make sure she does the same.

Ok, last one for real. Make sure you choose the right person. Choosing the wrong person is a mistake that's very difficult if not impossible to overcome no matter how much effort you put into it.

[Nkc]

I feel everyone should at least get married once. It should also be with someone that you're willing to give half of everything you own and everything you will own in the future. If you can get that fact into your head then you're ready. If you can't accept that then maybe she's not worth it or you're too selfish for marriage. Helps if you're poor and have nothing much to lose.

Everything is about money, especially when shit hits the fan so you better get that straight before you sign that contract. Good luck.

[RnmEvo9]

Just remember if it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by gthal

If you are worried enough about anything bolded above that you create a discussion thread on it then my advice is to just not get married. If you are going in and you think there is a possibility that you may not be faithful (or want advice on how to remain faithful), then why bother getting married. Just stay single and have fun.

When you are with the right person, the core things you mention above... trust, faithfulness, fidelity, honesty, love... come easy. Marriage is sometimes work and effort but the core parts, for me at least, have been easy because I married the right person. If you are doubting it now and get married, my advice is you should just set aside a bunch of money for a costly divorce in the future.

OP, listen to this guy. This is spot on advice. I've been married for over 40 years and had an amazing life with a woman who was the right one. I've watched friends cycle through marriages like they were BMW leases. They can never figure out how I stay happily married while they churn through relationships and spend piles of dough and emotional currency. Gthal's answer is the key.

[The Wind Breezes]

Don't do it, bro. You can thank me later.

[chinko]

Much respected advice and wisdom from both of Mr tonka and jtodd_fl. I'll add the most important would be to find the right person, the thing is, you'll probably never know until it's too late. Assuming both of you are attractive, temptation is bound to happen. It often arises when there's a lack of novelty, seduction and sense of accomplishment in both your lives and relationship. Be sure to address those as well. Ensure there are spikes in dopamine and serotonin levels for the adrenaline rush and feel good sensation in both of you.
So as some already told you, don't do it. If you do, as with everything, be aware of the risks and do your best to mitigate them and if things still go really bad, accept the cold hard truth and move on, no regrets as you made a mistake and she wasn't a good one.

[ja.]

Originally Posted by HFW003

For fuck sake don't do it!

That is of course you have already worn the skin off your old fella.

Originally Posted by TrevorM3

how young are you? under 25, dont do it. imo

Originally Posted by Axius

Don't get married or have her sign a prenup. With blood.

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

Abort abort abort

Originally Posted by jaye944

3 words

DONT DO IT

Also slightly OT I think gay people should be allowed to get married to
I think they should have the same rights to be unhappy as everyone else !

Originally Posted by obalouafi

Just don't

Originally Posted by The Wind Breezes

Don't do it, bro. You can thank me later.

Lol. Makes me curious, were u guys married before and now divorced/single? Now I do understand that some people do not want to be married/be with someone just like people not wanting kids..etc. I respect that, but incase you did get married and now have this opinion/advice, if I may ask.. What happened? lol.

[chinko]

Originally Posted by ja.

Lol. Makes me curious, were u guys married before and now divorced/single? Now I do understand that some people do not want to be married/be with someone just like people not wanting kids..etc. I respect that, but incase you did get married and now have this opinion/advice, if I may ask.. What happened? lol.

I cam already hear them answer: marriage happened.

[ja.]

Originally Posted by jtodd_fl

Disagree with above, completely. Can't reply now, but will. The fact you are thinking about these things now is good, not bad.

First, thank you for ur awesome advice, u were right about what u thought why i made this thread. I am in my mid 20s and she is in her early 20s.. I want us, well we do both want to be faithful and loving to each other. we have actually gone to pre-marriage counselling, we have also listened to talk re: marriage. We both enjoyed it and we both want to keep learning more about each other and how to keep this relationship growing in the right direction.

I do know that CHANGE is the only thing that is for sure in life. Her and I will not be the same 10/20/30 yrs from now. our thoughts and focus would not be the same as it is right now. I guess another question is how do you learn how to love someone despite all these changes?

Originally Posted by gthal

If you are worried enough about anything bolded above that you create a discussion thread on it then my advice is to just not get married. If you are going in and you think there is a possibility that you may not be faithful (or want advice on how to remain faithful), then why bother getting married. Just stay single and have fun.

When you are with the right person, the core things you mention above... trust, faithfulness, fidelity, honesty, love... come easy. Marriage is sometimes work and effort but the core parts, for me at least, have been easy because I married the right person. If you are doubting it now and get married, my advice is you should just set aside a bunch of money for a costly divorce in the future.

Originally Posted by twin fed

Knowing that it is the right person for YOU is paramount. I have only been married for six years, but we were friends for many years before we even started dating. She was/is my bestfriend. There was no "friendzone" situation, we each had separate dating lives and were happy. One day something just changed for us and we became more than friends, and we haven't looked back since. I have been in relationships before where I have cheated, granted I was younger, but the emotional connection that was there was nothing like I have with my wife. Yes there are the big things like fundamental beliefs, ie. money, religion, politics. But there there are the small things like when you are watching TV by yourself and you laugh and you know that the same thing would make them laugh as well and you miss them and wish they were there by your side. Just wanting them to be somewhere with you when others would not want their significant there. The thought of having to go out to the bar scene again disgusts me, that alone serves as reason enough to stay faithful. Yeah some strange seems nice, but being with the one you truly love is the best feeling in the world. Knowing that you can conquer anything as long as that person is by your side is something at a piece of ass can never accomplish. Having a true partner to go through this life with makes the thought of cheating irrelevant. In the good and the bad they are there to support you. My parents have been together for 40+ years, yes there have been fights and they disagree, but it is how you work through it as a couple that makes you strong. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and I would never look at divorce as an option or a way out. I was 100% positive that this was the person that I wanted to be with and I have no plans on looking back. Good luck in the future and I hope this helps you in any way.

thank you, much appreciated. We have said to each other that going into this relationship, we only have 1 goal in mind. we are focus on only building a life together and having a family. Divorce is not an option once married.

now question not just to the two of you but to everyone- Temptation is everywhere and even myself and im sure for her it will come as well. is there any way around it? I do trust her to make the right decisions and have always told her to "not put herself in that situation"(insert examples here) we all know as well there are guys(maybe even ladies) that will try and ruin the relationship or wont have any respect to marriage.

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

Damnit. I was hoping jtodd_fl would have posted by now so i could just quote him and say ^^THIS.

I'm going to get lunch before preparing a reasonable response. Maybe he'll have posted by then.

awesome post like jtodd's.
money- does that joint account strictly for ur mortgage/bills and savings together? then the separates ones would be for ur own correct? I have thought of this and I think this is the best set up.

now re: sexual frustration- we are open about this and we both love trying new things. now my question, is there always something that can be improved and new things to do even though u think uve done everything? ie positions/ doin it in public places etc..(not that weve done everything, maybe its more of a question for old folks?)

Originally Posted by bobblehead

make sure you & your wife puts in equal (or close to) financial contribution to the house. Also make sure you have printed list of investments you have before getting married and their fair value too.

How did your F30 435 or Audi S5 shopping coming along ?

Hey man thanks! I was just in 1 of the dealers actually and they are only giving out 10% off msrp and its already March! crazy, I think we will wait till the right time. for now I have invested most in TFSA and RRSP until we decide to buy a car or use the RRSP for a downpayment for ?house. if we do in fact get married lol

Originally Posted by gtron

here is your new phrasebook for success:

"Yes"
"Sounds Good"
"Will do"
"Love you"

If you have to say anything else think about it for a minute and then realize you probably don't need to say it. Then when you do, enjoy your regret.

This confuses me a little bit to be honest. people say be dominant in the relationship but then u hear others say "a happy wife is a happy life" I know it does not mean you become a Yes man and not have any opinion and say to anything.. i guess its finding common ground between the two individuals.

Originally Posted by Nkc

I feel everyone should at least get married once. It should also be with someone that you're willing to give half of everything you own and everything you will own in the future. If you can get that fact into your head then you're ready. If you can't accept that then maybe she's not worth it or you're too selfish for marriage. Helps if you're poor and have nothing much to lose.

Everything is about money, especially when shit hits the fan so you better get that straight before you sign that contract. Good luck.

Thanks, and this is the way I think as well. For me, being married and having kids/family is the main reason I am working and saving. I do not care about money as long as my wife and kids are happy. I would hope 1 day that my kids would take care of us just like my siblings and I help and take care of our parents right now. its a way of us giving back to them the sacrifices they have done. Now for those people who do not have a partner or family(kids) i think it will be hard when they grow old as i think nobody would be really taking care of you the way a family would.(think being sick and in the hospital, or maybe becoming an elderly and being sent to residential facilities with noone to take care or visit you) just my opinion.

[jtodd_fl]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

Good stuff here.

I'll add a little application examples to the very sound concepts outlined above.

<bunch of other good stuff redacted for space>

This confirms what I have long thought. I am the theoretician and you are the practitioner.

[bobblehead]

Op,

there will be ups and downs in a marriage, no dobut about this. I think it comes down to trust, respect and lots of compromise, you will lose some degree of freedom (in terms of what you want to do in your free time, like hanging out with your buddies and taking off to wherever or whenever you feel like).

I wish you the best and you will do just fine.

[bizzleb109]

Hi I've been married for 20 plus years and would say this. I was dating my wife for 5 years I thought I knew everything but after getting married it all changed from mood swings to silent treatments etc. I'm an easy Guy don't really let things get to me but omg the nagging that goes on is out of this world. I love the woman to bits but man does she rattle my cage. I get asked to cook sometimes so I say yes then she would say na you won't make it right so I say u want me to cook or not then arguing starts so I say I'm not gonna do it. Next day I get asked why didn't u cook when I explain why she don't understand its like that argument never even happened. Your not allowed to bring the past up but they can whenever they want. In regards to cheating I've never done that cos I do love her to bits. The guilt if I were to cheat would destroy me. As for advice for you If u truly love her do it but remember your gonna have to take more than you give. If there is ever anything on your mind then talk to her don't hold it in. Marriage is a compromise. Also I would say if you are young meaning around 25 I'd say live a little more go on vacations with mates etc after marriage it gets a little harder especially after having kids. Once you live together alot of things change you will see habits that you have not seen and vice versa. When you get married your suppose to support each other in being a better person. If she nags you already after marriage it will get 50 times worse. I never use to smoke or drink ever I'm 44 years old and started smoking and drinking about 6 years ago. The stress got the better of me. The thought of cheating has crossed my mind considered it too but luckily I was strong enough not to go down that path.
Have a really good think before u tie the knot. Don't get me wrong it's good at times too. It's not totally bad.

Good luck mate wish you the best

[RnmEvo9]

[PoorLurker]

Originally Posted by Mr Tonka

Good stuff here.

I'll add a little application examples to the very sound concepts outlined above.

Married couples tend to fight over money, household chores, parenting responsibilities and sexual frustration.

Money: If you both will be producing income, find an amicable way to split the money. Determine how much you want to allocate to long term savings, short term savings, spending money for each of you. For us, we have our own money. I have my own checking & savings. She has her own checking & savings. We have a joint checking & savings account as well. Based on what we take home after taxes and investments who ever is bringing home more puts more towards bills, savings, etc... so that we both have the same amount of "spending money". That way when i go out and by a $3000 1911 she's got nothing to say about it. It's my money and i can do with it as i please. So long as it doesn't involve hookers and blow. Likewise, i have nothing to say when she buys a Jeep or rearranges the closet to accommodate more shoes.

Household chores: Seems simple, but depending on you girl's mindset, you doing household chores or acts of service with/for her can make her feel loved. If not, it's just nice to know upfront who's responsible for what around the house. That way there is no arguing about who's not doing what when they didn't know they were expected to be doing it.

Parenting: Same thing as the household stuff. Build equal expectations about who's responsible for what on which days.

Sex: Do it till your satisfied. In other words, be sure to make time for each other no matter the work schedule, house cleaning schedule, parenting schedule, etc... For many, it's easy to let everyday life burry one of our most primal needs.


Last add would be to make sure you guys still have separate lives. It's important that you don't lose your identity. Absence really does make the heart grow fond. I don't mean keep an apartment in the city and only stay with your wife on the weekends. I just mean keep your own interests, hobbies, passions, etc... make sure she does the same.

Ok, last one for real. Make sure you choose the right person. Choosing the wrong person is a mistake that's very difficult if not impossible to overcome no matter how much effort you put into it.

Why do you always ruin threads with sound logic?

[OptionlessM]

Just because you're married and in love with your wife doesn't mean you cannot have discreet casual sexual activity with other women when the occasion calls for it. Society places a taboo on this harmless behaviour for no real tangible reason.

[jtodd_fl]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Just because you're married and in love with your wife doesn't mean you cannot have discreet casual sexual activity with other women when the occasion calls for it. Society places a taboo on this harmless behaviour for no real tangible reason.

This is not inaccurate on its face, but if the two participants in the marriage want sexual fidelity, then it does mean that you cannot. There are many social taboos (theft, assault, etc.) that we all also agree to.

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by jtodd_fl

This is not inaccurate on its face, but if the two participants in the marriage want sexual fidelity, then it does mean that you cannot. There are many social taboos (theft, assault, etc.) that we all also agree to.

Except for thugs and criminals.

[Mr Tonka]

Originally Posted by jtodd_fl

This is not inaccurate on its face, but if the two participants in the marriage want sexual fidelity, then it does mean that you cannot. There are many social taboos (theft, assault, etc.) that we all also agree to.

Except for thugs and criminals.

[RickFLM4]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Just because you're married and in love with your wife doesn't mean you cannot have discreet casual sexual activity with other women when the occasion calls for it. Society places a taboo on this harmless behaviour for no real tangible reason.

Same for your wife (if married) / future wife?

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by jtodd_fl

This is not inaccurate on its face, but if the two participants in the marriage want sexual fidelity, then it does mean that you cannot. There are many social taboos (theft, assault, etc.) that we all also agree to.

That is a poor analogy and shows a misunderstanding of what I said. Theft and assault involve a tangible negative to another person. Hence they are illegal.

As an example you are out of town on a business trip, and end up shagging a cougar at the bar. The two of you are the only humans who know about it, and you come home later in the week and continue on with your wife living happily in a fantastic companionship. The only way this could become a tangible negative is if your wife found out about it and chose to be upset about it due to societal conditioning. it is an active choice to find the behaviour upsetting, considering it did not affect the relationship in any way up until the point of finding out.

If you are a male human who is capable of going decades without the desire to bone down on another female, and you're certain that you are not gay, then that is perfectly fine. Perhaps this is a bit easier if you live simpler lives. But for most men with normal programming, you very regularly want to schlep the various women who present themselves from time to time. Why waste your energy trying to avoid doing what you want to do, when you could put that towards being a better companion for your wife in more meaningful ways.

You see many couples in middle aged portion who are mildly "happy" but treat each other unromantically and act with a semblance of resentment. But they think they've done things well and given their relationship full effort because they managed to not have sex with anyone else. To me, that is toxic, and all too common.

[OptionlessM]

Originally Posted by RickFLM4

Same for your wife (if married) / future wife?

Women have different programming and needs than men. If you are happily taking your wife around the mall for instance, she is probably not mentally sifting through all the dudes she would love to get stuffed by with the only thing holding her back being a promise to you. They just don't think that way.

You on the other hand probably had a subconscious yoga pants filter overclocking your brain.

Now, if we want to play it safe and assume that prior to meeting us, our wives were epic slut bags, then there's not much you can do about it. All you can do is evaluate your wife based on what you see and interact with.

[SakhirM4]

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Just because you're married and in love with your wife doesn't mean you cannot have discreet casual sexual activity with other women when the occasion calls for it. Society places a taboo on this harmless behaviour for no real tangible reason.

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

That is a poor analogy and shows a misunderstanding of what I said. Theft and assault involve a tangible negative to another person. Hence they are illegal.

As an example you are out of town on a business trip, and end up shagging a cougar at the bar. The two of you are the only humans who know about it, and you come home later in the week and continue on with your wife living happily in a fantastic companionship. The only way this could become a tangible negative is if your wife found out about it and chose to be upset about it due to societal conditioning. it is an active choice to find the behaviour upsetting, considering it did not affect the relationship in any way up until the point of finding out.

If you are a male human who is capable of going decades without the desire to bone down on another female, and you're certain that you are not gay, then that is perfectly fine. Perhaps this is a bit easier if you live simpler lives. But for most men with normal programming, you very regularly want to schlep the various women who present themselves from time to time. Why waste your energy trying to avoid doing what you want to do, when you could put that towards being a better companion for your wife in more meaningful ways.

You see many couples in middle aged portion who are mildly "happy" but treat each other unromantically and act with a semblance of resentment. But they think they've done things well and given their relationship full effort because they managed to not have sex with anyone else. To me, that is toxic, and all too common.

Originally Posted by OptionlessM

Women have different programming and needs than men. If you are happily taking your wife around the mall for instance, she is probably not mentally sifting through all the dudes she would love to get stuffed by with the only thing holding her back being a promise to you. They just don't think that way.

You on the other hand probably had a subconscious yoga pants filter overclocking your brain.

Now, if we want to play it safe and assume that prior to meeting us, our wives were epic slut bags, then there's not much you can do about it. All you can do is evaluate your wife based on what you see and interact with.

This is really wrong on so many levels. I have been married for 42 years and guarantee you that a successful and happy marriage is based on trust and respect for each other. Your outlook provides neither.