Jokes!!!

[bullitt5897]

Soldier on the Run

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

[bullitt5897]

AIDS

What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A deep pounding sensation in your ass.

[bullitt5897]

Chipmunks

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The one man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"I was when the snake bit me," the man said.

"And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."

[D-Rock]

Whats green and sits on my lawn all day ?






My ****** and ill paint him any color i want.

[cgnahc]

Why did the chicken cross the court?

'cause the referee was blowing fowls/fouls on the other side!

...I guess it could be roosters...but chickens may like bjs too.

[ovrkll]

Originally Posted by bullitt5897

Soldier on the Run

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

I am retired Navy, before anyone wants to take a potshot.

[ChadE]

Soldier on the run is great!!! LOL

[ejazbmw]

that made me laugh pretty good

[grw245]

Im in Iraq right now and I just almost threw up when I read that joke ! heheh shits way funny !

[SoYank]

During the first Gulf war, the Navy sent a S.E.A.L. team into Kuwait under cover of darkness. As they were stealthily paddling in through the surf, God looked down in amusement and thought, "What would happen if I took half the brains from each of them? So, he reached down and scooped out half the brains from each team member. They paddled on as if nothing had happened.

"Hmm", said God, "I wonder what would happen if I took half of what's left?" He takes his scoop and the team paddles on.

"Impressive, I wonder what happens with half of that?" He takes out half the remaining brains. The team paddles on for a few moments and suddenly they all start singing, "From the halls of Montezuma..."

[///Matt]

I giggled, under my breath, for that one SoYank.


But I'ma guess that only Marines and some Navy boys will get it.

[SoYank]

Originally Posted by ///Matt

I giggled, under my breath, for that one SoYank.


But I'ma guess that only Marines and some Navy boys will get it.

Yeah, I suspect I'm in somebody's crosshairs.

[grw245]

Heheh , but It was a bit of a stretch do ya think ?

[SoYank]

Originally Posted by grw245

Heheh , but It was a bit of a stretch do ya think ?

Yep, but in order for them to start singing "Off we go into the wild blue yonder!" God would have had to take two or three more scoops.

Stay safe over there.

[ovrkll]

Originally Posted by SoYank

Yep, but in order for them to start singing "Off we go into the wild blue yonder!" God would have had to take two or three more scoops.

Stay safe over there.

Good one!

[grw245]

Originally Posted by SoYank

Yep, but in order for them to start singing "Off we go into the wild blue yonder!" God would have had to take two or three more scoops.

Stay safe over there.

Tryin man. They are sayin we only have 14 days left, butt I hardly doubt it.

[Div4our]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fcuk off now, because we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fcuk on, because we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

[Div4our]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.... The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Div4our]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[Div4our]

A lawyer, a Priest and a Social worker are the only adults on a boat with 100 children.

Boat starts to sink....

The Social worker says: ''Save the children Save the children!''
The lawyer in response says: ''Fuk the children, Fuk the children''
The Priest then says: ''Do we have time, Do we have time!?!''

[Div4our]

A teacher in 3rd grade was trying to demonstrate math to the students.

Teacher: If there are 3 birds on a telephone wire and I shoot one with a shot-gun, how many are left.

Johnny: There would be no birds left because the shot-gun would have scared them all away.

Teacher: Actually, I was looking for the answer 2, but I like the way you think.

<Little Johnny raises his hand>

Teacher: Yes, Johnny?

Johnny: If there are three women in an ice cream parlor and one is sucking on an ice cream cone, one is licking an ice cream cone, and one is biting an ice cream cone; which one is married?

Teacher: Well……I would say the one sucking on the ice cream cone, because that is what married women should do.

Johnny: Actually, it is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!

[Div4our]

Whew, those should be good enough for now.