BMW M3 Forum (E90 E92)

BMW Garage BMW Meets Register Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Go Back   M3Post - BMW M3 Forum > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board
 
Mporium BMW
Post Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      09-15-2011, 10:50 AM   #1
DriveHard
Colonel
DriveHard's Avatar
Colombia
115
Rep
1,998
Posts

Drives: X1 and R58 JCW
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Long Island

iTrader: (0)

Joke of the day.. Texas chili cook off !!

Texas Cook-Off Chili - hysterical





Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge... 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge... 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge... 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge... 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge... 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge... 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @!&&-faced
from all of the beer.



CHILI. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge... 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge... 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge... 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge... 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge... 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge... 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge... 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge... 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb

Judge... 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge... 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge ... 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge... 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge... 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge... 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge...3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge... 3 - No Report.






Go ahead.. keep laughing and wipe the spit off the computer screen.. You may want to wipe your eyes as you teared thru the whole thing..

reply with a if you think it was funny !!! enjoy
__________________
X1, R58 JCW, M2 in my future if planets align
Appreciate 0
      09-15-2011, 12:29 PM   #2
Kroy
Brigadier General
Kroy's Avatar
United_States
173
Rep
3,032
Posts

Drives: E90
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Los Angeles, CA

iTrader: (1)

Funny but repost. Still giving a for the laugh though.
Appreciate 0
      09-16-2011, 01:41 AM   #3
G37SBS
New Member
0
Rep
24
Posts

Drives: G37S
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: NY

iTrader: (0)

it's too funny lmao
Appreciate 0
      09-16-2011, 03:48 AM   #4
mfanatic325
///M-fanatic
mfanatic325's Avatar
Taiwan
193
Rep
3,885
Posts

Drives: '01 911 Turbo
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cupertino, CA.

iTrader: (23)

haha that was enjoyable
Appreciate 0
      09-16-2011, 08:47 AM   #5
NYCGP
WTF are you looking at?
NYCGP's Avatar
228
Rep
1,560
Posts

Drives: Bandwagon
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Jungle

iTrader: (0)

It's sooo old. But I laugh every time I read it...
__________________
"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."
-André Gide
Appreciate 0
      09-16-2011, 04:12 PM   #6
jeff@autocouture
BimmerPost Supporting Vendor
jeff@autocouture's Avatar
963
Rep
13,780
Posts


Drives: 2002 E53 X5 4.6is
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New Jersey

iTrader: (0)

im in my store laughing, people are looking at me funny lmao
Appreciate 0
      09-16-2011, 04:17 PM   #7
DriveHard
Colonel
DriveHard's Avatar
Colombia
115
Rep
1,998
Posts

Drives: X1 and R58 JCW
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Long Island

iTrader: (0)

I fowarded it to a friend in an e-mail, and he responded that he couldnt stop laughing... since he replied to me in my e-mail, my original was still attached...

caught myself laughing again out loud... its a classic...
__________________
X1, R58 JCW, M2 in my future if planets align
Appreciate 0
      09-19-2011, 12:05 AM   #8
BMW//M
Banned
0
Rep
84
Posts

Drives: 2009 128i Convertible
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Ballwin, MO

iTrader: (0)

I don't get it. So at the end they were going to give Judge 3 even hotter chili? Well I'm sure he would have died. What happened by the way? What's the joke? Still
Appreciate 0
      09-19-2011, 01:35 PM   #9
mfanatic325
///M-fanatic
mfanatic325's Avatar
Taiwan
193
Rep
3,885
Posts

Drives: '01 911 Turbo
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cupertino, CA.

iTrader: (23)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BMW//M View Post
I don't get it. So at the end they were going to give Judge 3 even hotter chili? Well I'm sure he would have died. What happened by the way? What's the joke? Still
Judge 3 was never meant to be a chili judge anyhow. He's just a random person they pulled off from the street, literally. He even proclaimed that he was not all that big on spicy things (can't take much of it).
So when the other judges had a great time tasting the various chilis at the competition, Judge 3 was dying bit by bit.
The joke is that they hadn't even gotten to the really hot chilis yet, and Judge 3 already passed the eff out
Appreciate 0
      09-21-2011, 01:28 PM   #10
yakev724
Brigadier General
yakev724's Avatar
229
Rep
3,561
Posts

Drives: 15 S3
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NYC

iTrader: (49)

Great, just read it for the first time...would have been perfect, imo, if the 3rd judge began to slur/lose grammar after 3-4 and have it gradually get worse.
Appreciate 0
      09-23-2011, 10:35 AM   #11
pHo_e92
Captain
pHo_e92's Avatar
Canada
32
Rep
878
Posts

Drives: SGM e92
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: 905

iTrader: (4)

Garage List
2008 BMW 335i  [7.26]
2000 BMW 323i  [6.00]
1997 Honda Civic HB  [10.00]
2007 BMW X5 4.8  [10.00]
really good laugh! thanks for sharing.
__________________
08 335i | Space Gray | Burl Walnut Wood Trim | Sport pkg | Premium Pkg | LOGIC7 | Navi | Comfort Access

| COBB | Injen DCI | Active Autowerke | Sonic Tuning | E92 Lighting | ER | HKS | BMS | Ground Control | Vortex Tuning |
Appreciate 0
      10-17-2011, 11:27 AM   #12
CPWINCH
Brigadier General
CPWINCH's Avatar
United_States
732
Rep
4,635
Posts

Drives: Toyota Prius
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Los Angeles

iTrader: (7)

__________________
Follow my BMW instagram @CARMODIFICATION Let me know you are from bimmerpost and i'll follow back
Appreciate 0
      11-30-2011, 02:27 PM   #13
007MCoupe
Lieutenant Colonel
007MCoupe's Avatar
United_States
91
Rep
1,546
Posts

Drives: '18 Sakhir M3 ZCP
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: ( ///// )

iTrader: (5)

seriously in tears. Just came from 3 years being stationed in Texas and I attended one such cook-off. I have a fair love for chili as well as a palate for spicy food, but I felt for Judge 3!
__________________
Appreciate 0
Post Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:09 PM.




m3post
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST