Wife problems – what to do?

DFW_M · 11-20-2007, 02:29 PM

I have been married for >8 years now and luckily have no issues like that. COuld be because my wife cannot get "bored" since we have two small children involved, keeping her way too busy when I'm traveling or working late... That being said, I would not suggest to look for the solution in kids and definitely try to find the solution before the kids become a part of the picture. Once they get in, things become very complicated...

Now, our good friends have gone through similar stuff like that where HE became bored in the relationship and looked for a company on-line. In his case, the girl was in another state, so they did not have any eye to eye contacts. But, when the wife found out, she completely freaked out and they are about to go through the divorce

THey have two kids...

I would suggest more personal time together and if needed counseling. Screw work and traveling -- your marriege and family is way more important than career at this point.

Good luck!

montreal_bimmer · 11-20-2007, 02:37 PM

sorry to hear this had to happen to you man.... it does sound like she is getting bored... now you guys could probably work it out.... but no matter what happens in the end.... you will never forget this happened.... you can work it out, and everything will be dandy, you could be happily married for 20 years, this will always be in your head.....

if you wanna work on your relationship, feel free.... you guys could work through this no problem..... just do not make this bother you.... dont hold it against her... the ball is in your court.... dont regret what you decide.... in situation like this, you must follow your heart....

ArmyBimmerDude · 11-20-2007, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Varise

Oh, and do me a favor, if you do leave her don't offer her your savings account.

Amen to that brother!

Once trust in someone is gone, its very hard to get it back. You'll think about it everytime you see her. I'm sorry you're going through this, but even if nothing physical happened, the intent is there through emails and phone calls(7 per day is ridiculous).

I dont know what you're going to do, but I hope for the best.

Do yourself a favor. Keep the emails and phone records as evidence. Not trying to sound negative, but incase you need it.

fobunited · 11-20-2007, 03:07 PM

The cynicism is amazing....! Marriage is more than a "legal contract" where one betrayal or hurt feelings is evidence and means for seperation.

Your marriage vows included "till death do us part." You didn't add a clause in there giving you or anyone for that matter an out, regardless of the circumstance.

Too many people try to protect their own interests in relationships, when the true characteristic of marriage is putting the other persons' interests before your own, even if you don't want to or feel like you don't have to.

Selfishness, self-righteousness, even if justified, shouldn't exist in a marriage! I understand people have been burned in the past, and there are hawks out there looking to take advantage of even their spouses.... But I believe if you married her, and you love her, you should and will forgive her again and again, and always, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

Otherwise, what is love to you, or to all of us? Is it just a feeling? Only when things are going "right?" Or is love putting someone else before yourself, ALL the time, regardless of the circumstances?

Whether you have children or not is irrelevant. I urge you to just love her, and put her before yourself. I am sick and tired of the divorce rate in America and how nobody blinks an eye anymore when divorces happen. My parents almost got divorced about 10 years ago, and regardless of how I fealt, the suffering of my parents that I witnessed tore me apart. I hope you don't have to go through that, or put your wife through that, no matter what you believe she did to you.

just4kickz · 11-20-2007, 03:17 PM

marriage counsling. i doubt your average e90 poster knows what to do.

MikeCCrutchfield · 11-20-2007, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fobunited

Otherwise, what is love to you, or to all of us? Is it just a feeling? Only when things are going "right?" Or is love putting someone else before yourself, ALL the time, regardless of the circumstances?

I had a long response written up to this, but decided not to thread-jack....all I will say is, sometimes circumstances dictate divorce...but that is a discussion for another thread and we should stop the side-thread here.

To the OP, trust is always hard to regain, and the closer you have been to someone the harder that trust is to restore when you have been betrayed. I do agree with some of the other posters that this will always be in the back of your mind when ANYTHING seems a little fishy in the future.

I had a friend who had a girlfriend who had broken up with her previous BF (on their anniversary) to date him (eg - broke up one day, started dating him the next)
She had also done this with the BF before (one day earlier)
Sure enough, he was dumped on their anniversary for another guy...so to recap 4 bf's, 4 concurrent anniversaries...

Most leopards don't change their spots, but if you are a lucky one, and you are willing to put work at this, you MAY have a chance. Just be glad you don't have kids yet, because when they enter the mix they tend to end up either a little screwed up, or clouding the judgment of the couple in their decision and method of staying together.

nmulax · 11-20-2007, 03:35 PM

On one hand your reasoning about being in a new city, no friends, busy husband, etc., does explain her focus on the one person she's met. HOWEVER, the deleted emails, constant phone calls, has "guilty" written all over it. If their relationship hadn't reached the physical stage, it was only because you found out before it could.

I agree with the others on holding off before having kids. But if you do have kids with her, and down the road decide to split, don't stay with her "for the kids". I can't imagine it's good for them to grow up in that kind of household.

You say this move is only temporary. Why didn't she stay back where her friends and everything are? You could get an apartment in the new city and spend the weekends back home with her. That way she doesn't feel on her own in a new town.

toofasttooslow · 11-20-2007, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantom330

I can guarantee that there was something physical there. You don't talk to somebody that much and call them pet names if something isn't going on. She just figured you didn't bust her in the act, so she's not going to fess up about it. I'd confront the guy as well. I really feel for you though, I'm not sure what I would do if I was in the same situation. If there is no concrete evidence she cheated (physically) I would give her a second chance, but if there was another situation in the future I would end it as she isn't chaning if that is the case. My bet is she was physical with him, again there is no way two people talk that much and nothing happened, especially if you're out of town a lot. Good luck with everything, hope it works out how you'd like.

+1 and if nothing really did happen phsyically she thought about it; probably over and over and over again, even while with you.

toofasttooslow · 11-20-2007, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fobunited

The cynicism is amazing....! Marriage is more than a "legal contract" where one betrayal or hurt feelings is evidence and means for seperation.

Your marriage vows included "till death do us part." You didn't add a clause in there giving you or anyone for that matter an out, regardless of the circumstance.

Too many people try to protect their own interests in relationships, when the true characteristic of marriage is putting the other persons' interests before your own, even if you don't want to or feel like you don't have to.

Selfishness, self-righteousness, even if justified, shouldn't exist in a marriage! I understand people have been burned in the past, and there are hawks out there looking to take advantage of even their spouses.... But I believe if you married her, and you love her, you should and will forgive her again and again, and always, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

Otherwise, what is love to you, or to all of us? Is it just a feeling? Only when things are going "right?" Or is love putting someone else before yourself, ALL the time, regardless of the circumstances?

Whether you have children or not is irrelevant. I urge you to just love her, and put her before yourself. I am sick and tired of the divorce rate in America and how nobody blinks an eye anymore when divorces happen. My parents almost got divorced about 10 years ago, and regardless of how I fealt, the suffering of my parents that I witnessed tore me apart. I hope you don't have to go through that, or put your wife through that, no matter what you believe she did to you.

Since when do you have to be married to someone in order to love them? I know plenty of people who love each other and aren't married. Just because you love someone does not give them the right to walk all over you like she probably will. He can love her from a far.

jj thumper · 11-20-2007, 03:52 PM

Like monkeys they are, wont let go of one branch until they get their hands on the next.

The girl breaks up with you mentally way before she lets us know about it. She comes to terms and deals with it slowly over time. Then she drops the bombshell on us.

Most women need support, they they dont give a F about our needs once they disconnect. Thats what happened to me.

Good luck...

wuufer001 · 11-20-2007, 04:08 PM

although she didn't cheat on you physically but she did it mentally, not to come in contact with this guy but to be thinking of him instead of you. i would say that there is a possibility of her doing some stupid shit like this again but can't guarantee she will. so if you love her so much as you said then maybe you will want to give her another chance of working it up to gain your trust back, but remember that you 'might' have to deal with this situation again. if you know you can withstand another situation like this in the future then you can give it a try because she might and she might not do it again. again, you said you were planning on having a baby next fall. does she really put this as like a first 'priority', for the baby? 2 outcomes may come after the baby: A. after the baby she will feel more responsible and stop with that shit or B. if she does again then it's jsut going to make things worst. so you have to think and make sure if she is up for the baby or not. if you eventually get back with her maybe you should extend the time on planning having the baby so you can see more into her and know how she feels. haven't listed your age but from the talking about her taking your figure and divorcing you i assume that you have worked your way up and don't care about the cash so maybe 30-40 y/o? if thats the case and you still want to have a child in future you have decide how much time you want to give her to work with your trust or if you should just leave her and start out fresh.

btw, having a really good opposite sex friend is not unacceptable. many people have those including me, but thats when i met them during high school so it's actually knowing them longer than my girlfriend, but i tell my girfriend about them and she cool with that. but i don't call them the names that guy calls your wife, and they only met for a few months?

sorry to hear about your situation,
Good Luck on your final decision

drink one for me
cheers

j|rz44 · 11-20-2007, 04:11 PM

GL man...
take life one day at a time and know that everything happends for a reason...

nmulax · 11-20-2007, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Varise

I hate to be the one to say it, but all you keep telling us is that she is hot and smart and that she gets a lot of attention. You don't say that you love to be around her, or that she will make a great mother someday, or that she is the perfect wife. All you really say is that a million guys would love to have her. It sounds like you both are missing something and no longer happy in the relationship. Let me assure you that there are a million hot and smart chicks out there in the world, even hotter and smarter then your wife. Don't take offense to this, but you seem extremely insecure about yourself and your current relationship. If the only reason your holding on is because she is "hot" then cut her loose and let here be some other guys problem.

+1

now that I look back, you constantly mention her looks and how much everyone "wants her". Is that her most redeeming quality?

schneid4323 · 11-20-2007, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nmulax

+1

now that I look back, you constantly mention her looks and how much everyone "wants her". Is that her most redeeming quality?

yeah again a +1 to his quoted.

What makes you think the relationship never got physically? Just because she says that it makes it true? That seems like a decent ammount of effort for a guy to spend on a married chick without getting any. In your opinion, lets say from a sexual perspective, is the dude better looking then you? She obviously didnt want you to find out, ofcourse she is gonna say nothing happens but how much can you trust someone after a stunt like that?

And who calls another guys wife pet names if they arent doin her man?

some things to think on:

Durring her time period with this dude did you have more, less, the same, or no sex with her?

Did she ever do anything worthy of suspision?

Does it seems like she goes where she tells you shes going?

Can you really trust her? Dude you obviously got some cash, you are financially secure, you are what a woman wants, but perhaps not sexually (Ive run into the same issue, but im younger so it sucks for me)

Hang in there, figure it out man, my buddy just married a chick that cheated on him twice, one time she made a ridiculous claim, my friend believed her and lost his best friend. The second time, was on the floor of my room when i was trying to sleep, I told my friend and he is still marrying the ho, and shes gonna ruin him. Make sure you arent gettin played.

UncleWede · 11-20-2007, 04:44 PM

Give her a bit of time, maybe a week or two. Maybe even after some counseling, if she's willing. Then sit down, tell her what you want to happen, how you feel. Then ask her to step into your shoes. Look her in the eye, ask her what she would do if the roles were reversed. You'll get the answer real quick, and your heart will know it.
She may be brave enough, and love you enough, to let you see that it's not going to work. She may really be sorry, let you see that, and your heart will know just why you took that oath. Or she may look away because she's thinking of him still and knows she can't lie to you.

Divorce is NOT for the faint of heart. The path of true LOVE is DEFINATELY NOT for the faint of heart, because you offer your vulnerability to someone else, even after they drop your precious gift a few times, maybe run it over with a steam roller, yet you still hand it back.

This memory will NEVER go away. It was '92 when I discovered physical evidence of my first wife's infidelity. I still get chills when I drive by the location where I was having the radio installed in her car. We didn't work out as husband/wife, but I still love her. I know it was for a reason that I had to go through that ordeal. I stuck with the first until after the baby was born, and even hired and played cards with the father years later. But I can never forget what she did, even though I have long since forgiven her.

007e92 · 11-20-2007, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fobunited

Marriages are never about who's right or wrong, or who should be or shouldn't be doing something.

You're her husband; it doesn't matter if you feel betrayed, hurt, or if you have a "right" to leave her. Love her, forgive her, and fulfill your marriage oath. Start calling HER in the morning instead of expecting her call. Call HER during your lunch and tell her that you were thinking about her all day instead of expecting her to do so. Do things for her that you're expecting her to do for you, and it will come around.

The key to a happy marriage is to put the other person before you, and even though you may feel justified or in the right, revenge and pride will ruin any marriage.

Best of luck. I hope you aren't offended... I don't mean to be... it's a harsh and bitter truth, but I believe a truth that must be told.

i feel your pain brother - ive been in this situation but worse. after 4 years i never thought something like this could ever happen to us. despite all the pain i went through, despite all the pain that still haunts me today, were still rebuilding...

i know its hard to forgive infidelity but IMO, this post brings hope - good words to listen to if your relationship is worth the salvage.

i hope all turns out well

schneid4323 · 11-20-2007, 04:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 007e92

i know its hard to forgive infidelity but IMO, this post brings hope - good words to listen to if your relationship is worth the salvage.

I personally believe you should not forgive infidelity, all it does is say, you arent what I want. That idea doesnt change easily, once a cheater always a cheater right? Especially in marriage, its not acceptable.

chrisM6 · 11-20-2007, 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Varise

First off, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I don't feel that you are overreacting, in fact I feel you are taking the right steps and going about things the correct way. With that said, people that don't have anything to hide don't hide things. Your wife was clearly hiding things from you, even to go so far as to cover her tracks. This would throw up red flags in any relationship, and after digging a little deeper you found more dirt, a worrisome revelation.

I have been with my wife since I was 16, we have been married for 1 year and I trust her 110%. I trust her when she goes out to the clubs with her friends, I trust her in Vegas at "The Thunder from Down Under" male dance show that she was attending for a bachelorette party. Sure, after the show three of the male dancers kept asking her to stay for a "half hour," but I trust her completely because she tells me everything, and I know in my heart that she would not do anything to hurt our relationship. She gets hit on constantly, sometimes right in front of me, and I actually find it funny because I know that they don't have the slightest chance with her. My point is this, it sounds to me that you don't trust her and rightfully so. What you do with this new information you have discovered is entirely up to you. I will be honest with you, most of my good friends have cheated on their girlfriends at one time or another, and the sneakiness in which they went about it sounds awfully familiar to the behavior that your wife is exhibiting.

There is such thing as an emotional affair, which your wife clearly had with this other man. The pet names are inappropriate and the phone calls were sneaky and premeditated. Don't be fooled by her saying that she didn't think it was a big deal, as she knew full well what she was doing was wrong, or else she wouldn't have tried to hide things from you. I would be extremely concerned if I were you and I would question whether the relationship was worth continuing and if I could trust her again. If I determined that I could trust her again, I would insist that her and I both went to marriage counseling to see if you are able to work out some issues. I would also leave or tell her to leave for a few days so that you are able to think about things with a clear head. This time away from her may put things into perspective for you.

The testosterone in me would print out some of her emails and her call logs and without telling anyone confront the guy with it (in a non drama way) and ask him what the extent of the relationship was. Don't threaten him because he will probably puss out and lie to you, so tell him that you want to know if you married a cheater and that you don't hold him responsible. He may tell you exactly what happened, and it may shock you, or it may confirm what your wife was telling you all along. If you feel he is blatantly lying to you, threaten to forward the letters on to his wife if he doesn't come clean with all of the details.

It all comes down to the question of do you trust her and can you trust her down the road? If the answer is no, then I would get out of the relationship before you have kids involved. If you feel that you can trust her again at some point then I would truly work hard on your relationship and see if this was all one big hiccup.. But understand that she cheated on you, even if it wasn't physical. She needs to understand that and you need to get all of the details of the extent of their relationship. Tell her that you want her to explain everything to you, you said yourself that you did most of the talking so tell her its your turn to listen and her turn to talk. Have her start by telling you how it started and go from there, you will probably be able to tell if she is lying or if there are inconsistencies in her story. Good luck, and I hope things turn out for the best. Oh, and do me a favor, if you do leave her don't offer her your savings account.

Best advice here. Im going to pm you when my relationship with my girl gets a little bumpy. lol

007e92 · 11-20-2007, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by schneid4323

I personally believe you should not forgive infidelity, all it does is say, you arent what I want. That idea doesnt change easily, once a cheater always a cheater right? Especially in marriage, its not acceptable.

i agree, only with hard proof of physical evidence - but its much easier to say than to do. other things to consider...

do you believe in people making mistakes? how about people changing? physical proof of physical contact?

as for my situation, i do believe in forgiving mistakes, and people changing. + plus, i had no proof of physical contact...

inabis · 11-20-2007, 05:08 PM

dude i feel so bad for you but I also noticed immediately that you kept saying how hot she was and how many guys want her. You said that you went against your parents wishes and married her. Why exactly did they not want you to marry her? Did they warn you that something like this might happen? Don't get me wrong but women figure women out real quick...it scares the crap outta me sometimes.

Did you marry her because you love her or you love being seen with her? Is she ultimately, when you break it down, just arm candy? Because the fact of the matter is, the richer and more hotter the girl is the more problems the husband has. Does she have a job or does she suffer from what i call housewife syndrome? I recall you saying that she has a PhD...does she teach? Because if all she does it stays at home and watches those dumb f'in soaps believe you me she will cheat again.

Like the other guys have said she likes you b/c you're secure. You can provide. You sound like you'll never cheat. You sound like you'll be a good father. And as great as that is, it isn't enough for some girls....trust me I talk from experience (schneid4323 i feel your pain). Ask yourself what she buys for herself and that will tell you if she's being truthful about not wanting your money. Does she get manicures every week? Does she get massages every so often? how often does she go shopping...etc. In my opinion, paying for therapy is bs...just get a 3rd party friend that's impartial and talk it out.

At the end of the day, we and your therapist can tell you whatever we want but ultimately it's up to you. Go for a drive, and though this might sound gay, find a place with a lot of nature and think it out. Because at the end of the day we don't have to live with this decision- you do. Good luck to you brother and remember you do have friends who care...call them

.

GreddyBoy858 · 11-20-2007, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Varise

First off, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I don't feel that you are overreacting, in fact I feel you are taking the right steps and going about things the correct way. With that said, people that don't have anything to hide don't hide things. Your wife was clearly hiding things from you, even to go so far as to cover her tracks. This would throw up red flags in any relationship, and after digging a little deeper you found more dirt, a worrisome revelation.

I have been with my wife since I was 16, we have been married for 1 year and I trust her 110%. I trust her when she goes out to the clubs with her friends, I trust her in Vegas at "The Thunder from Down Under" male dance show that she was attending for a bachelorette party. Sure, after the show three of the male dancers kept asking her to stay for a "half hour," but I trust her completely because she tells me everything, and I know in my heart that she would not do anything to hurt our relationship. She gets hit on constantly, sometimes right in front of me, and I actually find it funny because I know that they don't have the slightest chance with her. My point is this, it sounds to me that you don't trust her and rightfully so. What you do with this new information you have discovered is entirely up to you. I will be honest with you, most of my good friends have cheated on their girlfriends at one time or another, and the sneakiness in which they went about it sounds awfully familiar to the behavior that your wife is exhibiting.

There is such thing as an emotional affair, which your wife clearly had with this other man. The pet names are inappropriate and the phone calls were sneaky and premeditated. Don't be fooled by her saying that she didn't think it was a big deal, as she knew full well what she was doing was wrong, or else she wouldn't have tried to hide things from you. I would be extremely concerned if I were you and I would question whether the relationship was worth continuing and if I could trust her again. If I determined that I could trust her again, I would insist that her and I both went to marriage counseling to see if you are able to work out some issues. I would also leave or tell her to leave for a few days so that you are able to think about things with a clear head. This time away from her may put things into perspective for you.

The testosterone in me would print out some of her emails and her call logs and without telling anyone confront the guy with it (in a non drama way) and ask him what the extent of the relationship was. Don't threaten him because he will probably puss out and lie to you, so tell him that you want to know if you married a cheater and that you don't hold him responsible. He may tell you exactly what happened, and it may shock you, or it may confirm what your wife was telling you all along. If you feel he is blatantly lying to you, threaten to forward the letters on to his wife if he doesn't come clean with all of the details.

It all comes down to the question of do you trust her and can you trust her down the road? If the answer is no, then I would get out of the relationship before you have kids involved. If you feel that you can trust her again at some point then I would truly work hard on your relationship and see if this was all one big hiccup.. But understand that she cheated on you, even if it wasn't physical. She needs to understand that and you need to get all of the details of the extent of their relationship. Tell her that you want her to explain everything to you, you said yourself that you did most of the talking so tell her its your turn to listen and her turn to talk. Have her start by telling you how it started and go from there, you will probably be able to tell if she is lying or if there are inconsistencies in her story. Good luck, and I hope things turn out for the best. Oh, and do me a favor, if you do leave her don't offer her your savings account.

Man.. that is some REAL shit right there...

You should be a marriage counselor...

11-20-2007, 05:12 PM

Thanks for responses – honestly, some seemed dumb, some were insightful, but all were helpful because they shaped my perception of this situation and my decision. And here it is – I’m staying. Why? What happened seems like a perfect storm, a combination which is much bigger sum of its parts. Diminished attention to me and home was my fault (so that means I can fix it), and it happened before she met the guy, so it’s not really related. The move and my work made her lonely, and the guy was just opportunistic. Although I am pretty sure he has nothing to write home about – he was more like a girlfriend to her, and he really is not man enough for such a girl. We so many times laughed together on way tougher and smoother dudes trying to get her attention. And I did see and email where she told him to not be a sissy, go to a bar and get laid – not something you tell to a romantic friend or someone you are falling for…

Deleting emails – yes, that’s what hurts no matter how you put it. But she says she felt like it was a game, her little secret. She says she never saw it as a threat to our marriage – it was more like hiding cigarettes from her mom when she was a teenager – just making her life more exciting by pretending to do something dangerous. Actually, she is into secrets – a surprise cake, gift or a personal dance performance is something I got used to (probably too much). She never hid phone calls – I just did not count them. And yes, now I know exactly how many times they met (thanks, EZ Pass – she had no idea I can trace it, so I’m sure she did not tamper with it) and it was only during her regular gym hours and in the gym. And yes, I found pubes and yellow spots on my toilet – guess I need to clean better after MYSELF.

So really what happened? She replaced two dozens of her friends with one, which happened to be a guy, so he ended up getting a lot of her attention. He called her pet names (she did not return “the favor”) and probably even hoped for something some day, but I’m pretty sure he did not have courage to act on it and even if he did nothing would have happened. For Pete’s sake, I know her so many years, and her hiding emails does not change who she is. And all I know tells me she’d never let him too close even if I did not exist. She likes strong and powerful men, those who can fight for her, not sneak into a marriage and steal and weep about how lonely they are. Even if he had more on his mind, I do not think he ever had a chance. And after I talked to her what happened to him – he’s gone, without even an explanation, and she spend the whole night sitting by MY bed going out of her mind and hating herself. And now she is waiting for ME at my (actually, our) place with a bottle of my favorite wine…

I won her once before, and I do not mind having to do that over and over again till I get old and my teeth fall out. This time I cheated – I used the “husband” card, but if I had to do it over again I would just sweep her off her feet again and make her just not need anything else. A wedding ring is not an excuse for getting fat and lazy – she gave her vows to a fighter, so it’s reasonable that she expects me to stay that way.

Responding to some comments here – I did say that she is a good wife and that I love her very much. That’s why I was so upset, actually, and that’s why I’m staying – she is worth the effort, and not because of looks or smarts, but because how happy she used to make me. Even when I felt little less attention from her, it was still more than 90% of men will ever get from their wives – how many have a book of poems written about them, a CD of songs recorded (its sounds awful, alright, but makes me smile to my ears), and a few portraits? And that’s just the little things – she’d drive at night in a blizzard to buy a gift for my mom (my parents accepted her once they saw her - initial reaction was just because she was a dancer) so that my mom would think I am a good son, even without me asking or giving her the credit (cause I need all the credit I can get – I see my parents less than once a year).

So, I thought about it – what happened? Not that much, actually - only the damage to my trust is something that would not be gone after a good night together. She is still the same best girl I know and the one who makes me so happy I do not give a damn even if I lose everything else I have and my right hand as well. So I stay and work hard – what I have to lose anyway? If she does that again it will not hurt, cause I’ll be more prepared and tougher. But most probably we’ll just be happier together having learnt this lesson. I cheated and have been cheated on before (not in this relationship), and got caught twice and it always was different – even when I felt remorse for cheating on someone I did not really have the guts to try and fix it, just hid my eyes down and walked away. She’s going out of her mind about how she did not see she was hurting me and how she want to fix it.

So here we are… I will archive all emails and phone bills, and put the away and FORGET about all this as much as I can. I will put off having a kid, although it would be nice, I do not feel ready now. I will NOT try to protect my assets cause I do not need them without a family – actually, I never tried to protect them so that no one could say my wife is with me for security (that’s what people say when you marry an ex-dancer). And I will go to marriage counseling because I want to make sure the effort I am putting into making this work gives the best possible return (yes, I am achievement freak). I was the happiest person I know until last Saturday, and I fight for it staying that way.

As for being insecure about my relationship because of asking for advice on the Internet – that’s just funny. Only a fool would be “secure” after what I had to go through in the last two days. So, yes I’m insecure and I use all tools available to me to fix that. Also, Internet is how people get most of the info now – you just need to filter out good and bad info (which is coincidentally my job).

And unless I resurrect this thread and this alias within the next 2-3 years, it means everything worked out. </sobbing> Now back to my normal self…

Oh, almost forgot - one thing that swayed me is that people say if you want to know how your wife will look in the future, look at her mother. I've seen numerous proofs of that, from both physical and moral standpoints, and I beleive that. My wife grew up in a model family - college sweethearts married and still together for 40 years. Three kids, all smart, beautiful and not psycos. I would not mind the same thing...

11-20-2007, 02:29 PM	#23
DFW_M Major General 1670 Rep 6,586 Posts Drives: Macan GTS Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Dallas, TX iTrader: (4)	I have been married for >8 years now and luckily have no issues like that. COuld be because my wife cannot get "bored" since we have two small children involved, keeping her way too busy when I'm traveling or working late... That being said, I would not suggest to look for the solution in kids and definitely try to find the solution before the kids become a part of the picture. Once they get in, things become very complicated... Now, our good friends have gone through similar stuff like that where HE became bored in the relationship and looked for a company on-line. In his case, the girl was in another state, so they did not have any eye to eye contacts. But, when the wife found out, she completely freaked out and they are about to go through the divorce THey have two kids... I would suggest more personal time together and if needed counseling. Screw work and traveling -- your marriege and family is way more important than career at this point. Good luck!
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11-20-2007, 02:37 PM	#24
montreal_bimmer OEMconcept 174 Rep 5,593 Posts Drives: BMW Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Canada \| USA iTrader: (6) Garage List 2006 325i [10.00]	sorry to hear this had to happen to you man.... it does sound like she is getting bored... now you guys could probably work it out.... but no matter what happens in the end.... you will never forget this happened.... you can work it out, and everything will be dandy, you could be happily married for 20 years, this will always be in your head..... if you wanna work on your relationship, feel free.... you guys could work through this no problem..... just do not make this bother you.... dont hold it against her... the ball is in your court.... dont regret what you decide.... in situation like this, you must follow your heart....
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11-20-2007, 03:07 PM	#26
fobunited Private First Class 13 Rep 181 Posts Drives: 2007 335i, 2011 550i Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Folsom iTrader: (1)	The cynicism is amazing....! Marriage is more than a "legal contract" where one betrayal or hurt feelings is evidence and means for seperation. Your marriage vows included "till death do us part." You didn't add a clause in there giving you or anyone for that matter an out, regardless of the circumstance. Too many people try to protect their own interests in relationships, when the true characteristic of marriage is putting the other persons' interests before your own, even if you don't want to or feel like you don't have to. Selfishness, self-righteousness, even if justified, shouldn't exist in a marriage! I understand people have been burned in the past, and there are hawks out there looking to take advantage of even their spouses.... But I believe if you married her, and you love her, you should and will forgive her again and again, and always, always give her the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, what is love to you, or to all of us? Is it just a feeling? Only when things are going "right?" Or is love putting someone else before yourself, ALL the time, regardless of the circumstances? Whether you have children or not is irrelevant. I urge you to just love her, and put her before yourself. I am sick and tired of the divorce rate in America and how nobody blinks an eye anymore when divorces happen. My parents almost got divorced about 10 years ago, and regardless of how I fealt, the suffering of my parents that I witnessed tore me apart. I hope you don't have to go through that, or put your wife through that, no matter what you believe she did to you.
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11-20-2007, 03:17 PM	#27
just4kickz boku no namae ha... 336 Rep 11,025 Posts Drives: 2006 BS 330i Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: S. Bay Area, CA + Newark, NJ + ChiCity + True Blue iTrader: (11) Garage List 2006 E90 330i [0.00]	marriage counsling. i doubt your average e90 poster knows what to do. __________________ looking for a PreLCI Black Sapphire e90 front bumper without license plate holes "Akimbo shotguns. Broken wrists anyone? And don't give me that 'it's just a game' bull**. Where the are my akimbo interventions then?! One scope on each eye mother**er!!"
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11-20-2007, 03:35 PM	#29
nmulax Brigadier General 378 Rep 4,320 Posts Drives: '07 Z4 M Coupe Join Date: May 2006 Location: Metro-Detroit iTrader: (5) Garage List 2007 Z4M Coupé [7.66]	On one hand your reasoning about being in a new city, no friends, busy husband, etc., does explain her focus on the one person she's met. HOWEVER, the deleted emails, constant phone calls, has "guilty" written all over it. If their relationship hadn't reached the physical stage, it was only because you found out before it could. I agree with the others on holding off before having kids. But if you do have kids with her, and down the road decide to split, don't stay with her "for the kids". I can't imagine it's good for them to grow up in that kind of household. You say this move is only temporary. Why didn't she stay back where her friends and everything are? You could get an apartment in the new city and spend the weekends back home with her. That way she doesn't feel on her own in a new town. __________________
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11-20-2007, 03:52 PM	#32
jj thumper Private First Class 44 Rep 166 Posts Drives: 335is Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Oakland Ca iTrader: (0)	Like monkeys they are, wont let go of one branch until they get their hands on the next. The girl breaks up with you mentally way before she lets us know about it. She comes to terms and deals with it slowly over time. Then she drops the bombshell on us. Most women need support, they they dont give a F about our needs once they disconnect. Thats what happened to me. Good luck...
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11-20-2007, 04:08 PM	#33
wuufer001 Colonel 375 Rep 2,348 Posts Drives: 2006 E90 M/T Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: DFW, TX//Taiwan//South Africa iTrader: (5) Garage List 2006 325i [9.34]	although she didn't cheat on you physically but she did it mentally, not to come in contact with this guy but to be thinking of him instead of you. i would say that there is a possibility of her doing some stupid shit like this again but can't guarantee she will. so if you love her so much as you said then maybe you will want to give her another chance of working it up to gain your trust back, but remember that you 'might' have to deal with this situation again. if you know you can withstand another situation like this in the future then you can give it a try because she might and she might not do it again. again, you said you were planning on having a baby next fall. does she really put this as like a first 'priority', for the baby? 2 outcomes may come after the baby: A. after the baby she will feel more responsible and stop with that shit or B. if she does again then it's jsut going to make things worst. so you have to think and make sure if she is up for the baby or not. if you eventually get back with her maybe you should extend the time on planning having the baby so you can see more into her and know how she feels. haven't listed your age but from the talking about her taking your figure and divorcing you i assume that you have worked your way up and don't care about the cash so maybe 30-40 y/o? if thats the case and you still want to have a child in future you have decide how much time you want to give her to work with your trust or if you should just leave her and start out fresh. btw, having a really good opposite sex friend is not unacceptable. many people have those including me, but thats when i met them during high school so it's actually knowing them longer than my girlfriend, but i tell my girfriend about them and she cool with that. but i don't call them the names that guy calls your wife, and they only met for a few months? sorry to hear about your situation, Good Luck on your final decision drink one for me cheers __________________
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11-20-2007, 04:11 PM	#34
j\|rz44 Lieutenant Colonel 43 Rep 1,683 Posts Drives: 335i\|E92 Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Lost iTrader: (2) Garage List 07 335i [0.00]	GL man... take life one day at a time and know that everything happends for a reason... __________________ Life is Good
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11-20-2007, 04:44 PM	#37
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 17971 Rep 9,377 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	Give her a bit of time, maybe a week or two. Maybe even after some counseling, if she's willing. Then sit down, tell her what you want to happen, how you feel. Then ask her to step into your shoes. Look her in the eye, ask her what she would do if the roles were reversed. You'll get the answer real quick, and your heart will know it. She may be brave enough, and love you enough, to let you see that it's not going to work. She may really be sorry, let you see that, and your heart will know just why you took that oath. Or she may look away because she's thinking of him still and knows she can't lie to you. Divorce is NOT for the faint of heart. The path of true LOVE is DEFINATELY NOT for the faint of heart, because you offer your vulnerability to someone else, even after they drop your precious gift a few times, maybe run it over with a steam roller, yet you still hand it back. This memory will NEVER go away. It was '92 when I discovered physical evidence of my first wife's infidelity. I still get chills when I drive by the location where I was having the radio installed in her car. We didn't work out as husband/wife, but I still love her. I know it was for a reason that I had to go through that ordeal. I stuck with the first until after the baby was born, and even hired and played cards with the father years later. But I can never forget what she did, even though I have long since forgiven her.
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11-20-2007, 05:08 PM	#42
inabis Captain 281 Rep 955 Posts Drives: E90 Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Daytona Beach->Denver->Seattle->The Bay iTrader: (2) Garage List 2006 325i [0.00]	dude i feel so bad for you but I also noticed immediately that you kept saying how hot she was and how many guys want her. You said that you went against your parents wishes and married her. Why exactly did they not want you to marry her? Did they warn you that something like this might happen? Don't get me wrong but women figure women out real quick...it scares the crap outta me sometimes. Did you marry her because you love her or you love being seen with her? Is she ultimately, when you break it down, just arm candy? Because the fact of the matter is, the richer and more hotter the girl is the more problems the husband has. Does she have a job or does she suffer from what i call housewife syndrome? I recall you saying that she has a PhD...does she teach? Because if all she does it stays at home and watches those dumb f'in soaps believe you me she will cheat again. Like the other guys have said she likes you b/c you're secure. You can provide. You sound like you'll never cheat. You sound like you'll be a good father. And as great as that is, it isn't enough for some girls....trust me I talk from experience (schneid4323 i feel your pain). Ask yourself what she buys for herself and that will tell you if she's being truthful about not wanting your money. Does she get manicures every week? Does she get massages every so often? how often does she go shopping...etc. In my opinion, paying for therapy is bs...just get a 3rd party friend that's impartial and talk it out. At the end of the day, we and your therapist can tell you whatever we want but ultimately it's up to you. Go for a drive, and though this might sound gay, find a place with a lot of nature and think it out. Because at the end of the day we don't have to live with this decision- you do. Good luck to you brother and remember you do have friends who care...call them.
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11-20-2007, 05:12 PM	#44
ashamedtotell Guest 0 Rep n/a Posts Drives:	Thanks for responses – honestly, some seemed dumb, some were insightful, but all were helpful because they shaped my perception of this situation and my decision. And here it is – I’m staying. Why? What happened seems like a perfect storm, a combination which is much bigger sum of its parts. Diminished attention to me and home was my fault (so that means I can fix it), and it happened before she met the guy, so it’s not really related. The move and my work made her lonely, and the guy was just opportunistic. Although I am pretty sure he has nothing to write home about – he was more like a girlfriend to her, and he really is not man enough for such a girl. We so many times laughed together on way tougher and smoother dudes trying to get her attention. And I did see and email where she told him to not be a sissy, go to a bar and get laid – not something you tell to a romantic friend or someone you are falling for… Deleting emails – yes, that’s what hurts no matter how you put it. But she says she felt like it was a game, her little secret. She says she never saw it as a threat to our marriage – it was more like hiding cigarettes from her mom when she was a teenager – just making her life more exciting by pretending to do something dangerous. Actually, she is into secrets – a surprise cake, gift or a personal dance performance is something I got used to (probably too much). She never hid phone calls – I just did not count them. And yes, now I know exactly how many times they met (thanks, EZ Pass – she had no idea I can trace it, so I’m sure she did not tamper with it) and it was only during her regular gym hours and in the gym. And yes, I found pubes and yellow spots on my toilet – guess I need to clean better after MYSELF. So really what happened? She replaced two dozens of her friends with one, which happened to be a guy, so he ended up getting a lot of her attention. He called her pet names (she did not return “the favor”) and probably even hoped for something some day, but I’m pretty sure he did not have courage to act on it and even if he did nothing would have happened. For Pete’s sake, I know her so many years, and her hiding emails does not change who she is. And all I know tells me she’d never let him too close even if I did not exist. She likes strong and powerful men, those who can fight for her, not sneak into a marriage and steal and weep about how lonely they are. Even if he had more on his mind, I do not think he ever had a chance. And after I talked to her what happened to him – he’s gone, without even an explanation, and she spend the whole night sitting by MY bed going out of her mind and hating herself. And now she is waiting for ME at my (actually, our) place with a bottle of my favorite wine… I won her once before, and I do not mind having to do that over and over again till I get old and my teeth fall out. This time I cheated – I used the “husband” card, but if I had to do it over again I would just sweep her off her feet again and make her just not need anything else. A wedding ring is not an excuse for getting fat and lazy – she gave her vows to a fighter, so it’s reasonable that she expects me to stay that way. Responding to some comments here – I did say that she is a good wife and that I love her very much. That’s why I was so upset, actually, and that’s why I’m staying – she is worth the effort, and not because of looks or smarts, but because how happy she used to make me. Even when I felt little less attention from her, it was still more than 90% of men will ever get from their wives – how many have a book of poems written about them, a CD of songs recorded (its sounds awful, alright, but makes me smile to my ears), and a few portraits? And that’s just the little things – she’d drive at night in a blizzard to buy a gift for my mom (my parents accepted her once they saw her - initial reaction was just because she was a dancer) so that my mom would think I am a good son, even without me asking or giving her the credit (cause I need all the credit I can get – I see my parents less than once a year). So, I thought about it – what happened? Not that much, actually - only the damage to my trust is something that would not be gone after a good night together. She is still the same best girl I know and the one who makes me so happy I do not give a damn even if I lose everything else I have and my right hand as well. So I stay and work hard – what I have to lose anyway? If she does that again it will not hurt, cause I’ll be more prepared and tougher. But most probably we’ll just be happier together having learnt this lesson. I cheated and have been cheated on before (not in this relationship), and got caught twice and it always was different – even when I felt remorse for cheating on someone I did not really have the guts to try and fix it, just hid my eyes down and walked away. She’s going out of her mind about how she did not see she was hurting me and how she want to fix it. So here we are… I will archive all emails and phone bills, and put the away and FORGET about all this as much as I can. I will put off having a kid, although it would be nice, I do not feel ready now. I will NOT try to protect my assets cause I do not need them without a family – actually, I never tried to protect them so that no one could say my wife is with me for security (that’s what people say when you marry an ex-dancer). And I will go to marriage counseling because I want to make sure the effort I am putting into making this work gives the best possible return (yes, I am achievement freak). I was the happiest person I know until last Saturday, and I fight for it staying that way. As for being insecure about my relationship because of asking for advice on the Internet – that’s just funny. Only a fool would be “secure” after what I had to go through in the last two days. So, yes I’m insecure and I use all tools available to me to fix that. Also, Internet is how people get most of the info now – you just need to filter out good and bad info (which is coincidentally my job). And unless I resurrect this thread and this alias within the next 2-3 years, it means everything worked out. </sobbing> Now back to my normal self… Oh, almost forgot - one thing that swayed me is that people say if you want to know how your wife will look in the future, look at her mother. I've seen numerous proofs of that, from both physical and moral standpoints, and I beleive that. My wife grew up in a model family - college sweethearts married and still together for 40 years. Three kids, all smart, beautiful and not psycos. I would not mind the same thing...
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