Relationship Question(s)

[Takeshi]

hmm having close friends with the opposite sex is never good for your relationship (esp if they are exes but I dont think that applies to your case). Neither is a lot of hard partying.

I was guilty of the latter. My ex and I broke up cuz I partied too much. I don't have best friends that are girls but I do have quite a few female friends that I met from all the partying. My ex thought I was a player and couldnt deal with it.

With my current gf, I hardly go partying. Only for special occasions or close friends' birthdays. My gf used to party a lot too and she cut down a lot as well. Now we stay in and watch movies quite a bit. She still has her guy friends, I have my female friends, but we only hang out with them once in a while.

But I agree with the people that suggested u get more female friends. I know you want to settle down, but if you are just friends (not best friends) you should be fine. And you should hit the club with your friends once in a while too. Maybe then she'll understand how you feel.

But I think hanging out with a guy alone at his house at 2am is completely inappropriate. Hanging out a bar till 2am is ok. Or if there are other people at the guy's house and it's party. But alone at another guy's house at that hour is not cool. I don't care if the guy is gay.

[shah269]

I've tried....we always ended up having sex....and her wanting more...me not being 100% sure and her getting pissed at me and me loosing a great friend =(

[Vanmarsenille]

Originally Posted by faou4rm

Hey guys,
I visit this forum almost daily and obviously don't really post much, but I decided to give it a shot..

Anyways, I figured there are many older (I'm almost 22) guys that have experienced relationships a lot more than i have, that could possibly share their views with me

Although people may have different opinions and perspectives, i just wanted to know what you guys think about my question..

-Can a straight GUY and a straight GIRL be best friends?

I do honestly think there are exceptions to every situations, but i find it impossible to believe that guys and girls can be bestfriends in GENERAL without one side feeling some sort of attraction to another.
I do think girls have the capability of seeing guys just as friends (like a brother), but impossible for guys to do that because of our PENIS. Yeah i feel like guys can be friends with girls but it's too difficult for a guy to be spending all the time and effort into a girl just to be best friends. Yeah i may seem shady and shallow for saying that but i feel like it's the TRUTH that we never admit

I ask this question because whenever my gf and i get into arguments about her best guy friends, i always stand by my perspective. I just wanted to know what you guys think about it.


Thanks !

(if this goes well, i have some other relationship questions)

I'll give you my opinion: I am in my 30s and happily married, and have been for almost 10 years. Of my previous relationships, the ones where my girlfriend's "friends" were predominantly male never ended well. I am not a naturally jealous or possessive person but it takes a particular kind of male to put up with that kind of BS consistently, and I cannot imagine being married to someone like that. You are young and as someone else said, there are literally millions of other women out there. Take your time and take it easy.

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by Takeshi

hmm having close friends with the opposite sex is never good for your relationship (esp if they are exes but I dont think that applies to your case). Neither is a lot of hard partying.

I was guilty of the latter. My ex and I broke up cuz I partied too much. I don't have best friends that are girls but I do have quite a few female friends that I met from all the partying. My ex thought I was a player and couldnt deal with it.

With my current gf, I hardly go partying. Only for special occasions or close friends' birthdays. My gf used to party a lot too and she cut down a lot as well. Now we stay in and watch movies quite a bit. She still has her guy friends, I have my female friends, but we only hang out with them once in a while.

But I agree with the people that suggested u get more female friends. I know you want to settle down, but if you are just friends (not best friends) you should be fine. And you should hit the club with your friends once in a while too. Maybe then she'll understand how you feel.

But I think hanging out with a guy alone at his house at 2am is completely inappropriate. Hanging out a bar till 2am is ok. Or if there are other people at the guy's house and it's party. But alone at another guy's house at that hour is not cool. I don't care if the guy is gay.

Haha it's interesting how your situation sounds similar kinda to my situation NOW
Anyways, I did try getting even with her by hangingout with more girl friends and going to parties but it js doesn't work for me. As shallow as it sounds, i just can't find the motivation or the will to go out and hangout with girls that i've known that are same/younger than me anymore. Meeting new people will be the option but i KNOW i'd end up making friends that are attractive, and i js can't seem to do that either because of my guilty conscious.

We both sacrificed and cut down partying/going out a lot, but there's a catch. She could sit and go through some dry spells for a few weeks, but once she goes out a few times, she wants to go out more. She feels the instant thirst and feels the need to go out more. When she tries to completely cut off partying etc, her frustration tank builds up and explodes one day...

Everything's been getting better and better but very gradually...

I'm glad that i'm not the only one that feels this way. I js wanted to see what other people have/are going through so i can compare them to my current relationship. thank you for your input sir !

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by shah269

I've tried....we always ended up having sex....and her wanting more...me not being 100% sure and her getting pissed at me and me loosing a great friend =(

That right there.. IS what i've been trying to convince my gf that all close guy friends secretly desire inside...

I'm just very glad that my girlfriend is the most faithful and honest girl i've met. Although i get insecure and worried on my own at times, i trust her more than anything. I just didn't know what to do about her best guy friends and decided to vent

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by Vanmarsenille

I'll give you my opinion: I am in my 30s and happily married, and have been for almost 10 years. Of my previous relationships, the ones where my girlfriend's "friends" were predominantly male never ended well. I am not a naturally jealous or possessive person but it takes a particular kind of male to put up with that kind of BS consistently, and I cannot imagine being married to someone like that. You are young and as someone else said, there are literally millions of other women out there. Take your time and take it easy.

What you've just told me is something that i would go back and refer to if/when my girlfriend and i get into arguments about her guy friends in the future.
I'm not exactly sure what it is that you have said but i can find some kind of comfort and reliance on it.

My girlfriend and i have come a long way, and maybe i'm just too stubborn to walk away from it. I really like the type of person that i have become throughout the years of being in this relationship, and i know that one day my gf will realize how much of a better person she became. At the end of the day, she makes me extremely happy and she feels the same. Although we have lived together for 3.5 years now, it sometimes still amazes me how much we still love and care for each other. It's just those few times that we get frustrated and have huge fights because of the friendship issue. We rarely ever argue but the times that we do it is 100% related to friends. Changes have been very gradual and often steady but seeing how far we have come, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If things were to ever go south, i want to walk away from this relationship knowing that i've given everything so that i wouldn't have any regrets.

[Small Yellow]

Originally Posted by faou4rm

Haha no i feel like the guy friends know my gf well enough to know that making a move would mean the end of their friendship..

I doubt they'd want to ruin the close relationship that they have with her even if they do have strong feelings for her.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to mention that 1 of the 3 best guy friends (the one she's least closest to) came up to me while he was buzzed and told me how HOT my gf was.. This was a while ago btw, and I just brushed it off but he kept telling me the same thing and it irritated me. He even had the balls to tell me that he and my gf were best friends until i came along and took her away from them.

I was drunk and my gf was there as well so i figured i could js let him talk and use it against my gf the next day when we are both sober.
When i confronted her about her so called 'best friend' the next day she denied it and told me that 'he was js joking, he was drunk'

When she finally agreed that it wasn't funny and that 'maybe' his intentions WERE weird, she js took it as an exception and moved on.
I figured i finally prove to her that i was right all along but she js took it as an... exception.. ..

yeaaaaaaaah

Its an "exception" to her but in a similar situation and its you with a lot of girl best friends it will not be an "exception" girls are always right... they have the ability to make false logic into fact.

[Zeros and ones]

Originally Posted by 6MT M3

Its an "exception" to her but in a similar situation and its you with a lot of girl best friends it will not be an "exception" girls are always right... they have the ability to make false logic into fact.

double standards. nailed it.

[bumere90]

I agree with OP, I don't believe in a friendship between a guy and a girl....
so you better watch for your gf

[amanda hor$t]

don't think it's possible. though most girls will say it is because, well a girl's gotta eat

who doesn't want a surrogate bf chump u know

[DieselDiner]

Originally Posted by Vanmarsenille

I'll give you my opinion: I am in my 30s and happily married, and have been for almost 10 years. Of my previous relationships, the ones where my girlfriend's "friends" were predominantly male never ended well. I am not a naturally jealous or possessive person but it takes a particular kind of male to put up with that kind of BS consistently, and I cannot imagine being married to someone like that. You are young and as someone else said, there are literally millions of other women out there. Take your time and take it easy.

Agree 100%. I've been married even longer than the quoter above, but concur with the perspective.

And to elaborate, you're not married, you're "dating", even though you live together. The boundaries of your relationship were established a long time ago (3 1/2 years), so you're dreaming if you expect her to change. And frankly, you shouldn't be trying to make her "change". Remember the old saying - 'a leopard doesn't change its spots'. This is who she is. You need to accept her as she is, and then decide if you like what you see, or need to move on.

I agree with the quoted post above, I wouldn't put up with her bullshit for 2 seconds...which means, I would move on. Look, the purpose of dating is to teach you what you like and dislike in a mate. You are learning a very valuable lesson from this situation, if you pay attention to how this makes you feel, and don't repeat the mistake with the next one.

Given the time in this relationship, I don't blame you for waiting until she moves, and then you can move on. Just don't forget this, and carry the experience forward to your next relationship.

She's entitled to do this if she wants, but you're entitled to decide you don't like the behavior and move on.

[UncleWede]

The first wife I met at a bar, even though we went to high school together. Within a year of getting married, I had tired of the bar scene, but she still went with her two female cousins. Within a year of our wedding she also told me she was pregnant, but we both knew it wasn't mine.
As stated, a leopard can't change its spots. She will always be a party girl.

Friday is my 10 year anniversary with my second wife. We've had 7 years of beautiful marriage (family joke). We met at her house, and I took her dancing, but that wasn't her style and I didn't know any better. Now we concentrate on our 13 year old son.

Most of my friends are females. Even the ones who aren't "sexy" I would jump their bones in a second if they dropped their pants (at least in my mind). While we are sharing thoughts on our kids, I'm looking at titties and thinking about asses. It's just a part of the male psyche.

Unless you are one of a very select few, you have to decide whether the good outweighs the bad. She is making that same judgement. My wife tells me what she is missing, and I TRY to accomodate. It takes effort every day, but again we are celebrating 10 years Friday, so there is still more good than bad.

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by Zeros and ones

double standards. nailed it.

ah yes the double standard dries to up sometimes !

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by bumere90

I agree with OP, I don't believe in a friendship between a guy and a girl....
so you better watch for your gf

thank you for your input
as i've said, i find comfort knowing i'm not the only paranoid one.. thanks !

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by R Grubba Balls

don't think it's possible. though most girls will say it is because, well a girl's gotta eat

who doesn't want a surrogate bf chump u know

haha thank you for your take on it !

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by DieselDiner

Agree 100%. I've been married even longer than the quoter above, but concur with the perspective.

And to elaborate, you're not married, you're "dating", even though you live together. The boundaries of your relationship were established a long time ago (3 1/2 years), so you're dreaming if you expect her to change. And frankly, you shouldn't be trying to make her "change". Remember the old saying - 'a leopard doesn't change its spots'. This is who she is. You need to accept her as she is, and then decide if you like what you see, or need to move on.

I agree with the quoted post above, I wouldn't put up with her bullshit for 2 seconds...which means, I would move on. Look, the purpose of dating is to teach you what you like and dislike in a mate. You are learning a very valuable lesson from this situation, if you pay attention to how this makes you feel, and don't repeat the mistake with the next one.

Given the time in this relationship, I don't blame you for waiting until she moves, and then you can move on. Just don't forget this, and carry the experience forward to your next relationship.

She's entitled to do this if she wants, but you're entitled to decide you don't like the behavior and move on.

Thank you for sharing and giving me some pointers.
I have been aware of most of the advice you wrote, but i just can't seem to pack and walk away from her.
I just decided to grind things out until something bad happens and neither of us can take it anymore.

Our relationship is a lot stronger now than it was 3.5 years ago.
However, i am also aware of the fact that things WILL be different once she moves to a different country in a just a few months. It'll definitely be a challenge and an eye-opener for both of us.

thank you again for sharing !!

[954Stealth]

It sounds to me like you are projecting your own ideas and insecurities on to her. Not everyone thinks, feels, reasons exactly the same. So just because you can not have that type of cross gender friendship does not in any way correlate to her ability (or lack thereof)

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

The first wife I met at a bar, even though we went to high school together. Within a year of getting married, I had tired of the bar scene, but she still went with her two female cousins. Within a year of our wedding she also told me she was pregnant, but we both knew it wasn't mine.
As stated, a leopard can't change its spots. She will always be a party girl.

Friday is my 10 year anniversary with my second wife. We've had 7 years of beautiful marriage (family joke). We met at her house, and I took her dancing, but that wasn't her style and I didn't know any better. Now we concentrate on our 13 year old son.

Most of my friends are females. Even the ones who aren't "sexy" I would jump their bones in a second if they dropped their pants (at least in my mind). While we are sharing thoughts on our kids, I'm looking at titties and thinking about asses. It's just a part of the male psyche.

Unless you are one of a very select few, you have to decide whether the good outweighs the bad. She is making that same judgement. My wife tells me what she is missing, and I TRY to accomodate. It takes effort every day, but again we are celebrating 10 years Friday, so there is still more good than bad.

Thank you for sharing !
I'm sorry to hear about your first wife but i'm sure the experience helps you appreciate your current wife even more !

I know things can go south for me in any given day, but i'm stubborn and see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things HAVE been very difficult and we were walking on thin ice for a while, but everything always just worked out. I still see my relationship improving and getting better, and i don't have a reason to leave her.
She cut her partying time down, and i've grown to tolerated it bit by bit.
It's just that everytime we got into a horrible argument over friends/party, I always had a strong desire to hop on this forum and vent/receive inputs from older guys.
I'm just glad that i did because you guys have shared and given me comfort for the next time my gf and i have disagreements.

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

It sounds to me like you are projecting your own ideas and insecurities on to her. Not everyone thinks, feels, reasons exactly the same. So just because you can not have that type of cross gender friendship does not in any way correlate to her ability (or lack thereof)

hmmm

As i said, i DO believe girls can be bestfriends with guys.
I do trust her 100% when she says she doesn't think any more of her friends.
I just want her to realize that it is just too IMPOSSIBLE for GUYS to be best friends with a girl for consecutive number of years
I just want her to understand that so that she can be more understanding of me when she tries to go out with her friends to bars/lounges till late night, and i don't appreciate it.

I do believe in cross gender friendship but just highly doubtful of a really CLOSE friendship for a number of years after meeting in high school.

[954Stealth]

I do agree with you about guys having the potential to complicate something that should be platonic. It IS a survival instinct for our species to make babies.
It CAN work though. It's all about being honest and having good communication bro

Did she meet these friends before or after you got together? Sorry if you answered that already lol

[killershark]

Yeah girls can be bestfriends with guys but it usually leads to them being bf/gf.
I'm not good with advice, but maybe you guys can work something out between each other, like she goes out with her friends til late night every 2 weeks??
Also, another question: Are you having a happy relationship with her?

[faou4rm]

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

I do agree with you about guys having the potential to complicate something that should be platonic. It IS a survival instinct for our species to make babies.
It CAN work though. It's all about being honest and having good communication bro

Did she meet these friends before or after you got together? Sorry if you answered that already lol

haha for sure,
I just wanted to ask everyone because she often makes me feel like i'm the only one.
She met her friends maybe 3 years before meeting me
She's been the only girl in the 3 guy group and they practically hungout together most of the time.

Being aware of the fact that the guys probably have interest in her doesn't escape my mind waiting for her to go home late at night lol
She rarely goes out with them now but on the nights that she does, i just wish that i could block everything out and not be bothered by it..