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      02-13-2007, 12:33 AM   #1
deltron
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Second Guessing Myself

So I met this girl some weeks back and we went on a couple of dates. First impressions were great and we both liked each other a lot. She's older than I am, 9 years to be exact. I'm 26. I wasn't sure how to handle this. Not looking to settle down or anything, but she's near that stage I imagine.

Any who, we went out again and I told her how I felt about the age thing. She didn't share any details on what her plans are in the future. By that I mean kids, etc... It doesn't bother me, but in the long run it wouldn't work I think. I don't see myself interested in any of that in the near future (a couple of years). There's lots of thing we have in common, so I would like to become friends with her.

Her eyes got watery when I was saying this. I'm pretty sad myself. I've been meeting up with several girls the past few months and so far I haven't met anyone I thought was really compatible, and over these past dates I found she's basically what I'm looking for.

I'm second guessing myself right now. There's no going back, and the chances of recovering this as a friendship are most likely low. I was thinking I should be honest and upfront, but I'm feeling like I passed an opportunity to be with a really great person. This sucks.
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      02-13-2007, 12:42 AM   #2
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why didnt you just tell her the truth that you were concerned that the two of you might be looking for diffrent things from the relationship and get her opinion on the matter?

live and learn?
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      02-13-2007, 12:43 AM   #3
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i'm no expert but it seems she was really feeling you too and i hope this helps, btw this is just what i would do if i were you...since valentine's day is closing in, go tell her how you really feel...of course bring flowers etc and say that you're sorry...that you need to talk things over nicely no matter what...even if she wont welcome you back as a friend at least you would have freed yourself of the untold things in your heart...this way i hope you would feel better..good luck and let us know how it goes
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      02-13-2007, 08:20 AM   #4
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Another thing to consider is that if the difference was a couple of years only it'd be fine, but with a bigger difference you have to ask yourself how you'll feel down the road since your ages will start to show, and hers will show way before your own. Granted this isn't the first time in human history that such an age difference existed, but it's not for everyone.
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      02-13-2007, 08:35 AM   #5
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Personally I think a 9 year gap would bother me. But I've also never had that problem. I would think the right thing to do would be to talk to her, get her feedback. For all you know she doesn't even want to have kids or can wait 3 more years. My sister-in-law is 39 and just had her first kid.

Also ask Tyler (ADHD), he's 25 and I know his wife is a bit older than him. He even picked up some teenage rugrats in the process. So it's obviously doable if you love the person. Sorry for dragging you into this Tyler, but I figured you could help a brother out.
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      02-13-2007, 09:40 AM   #6
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      02-13-2007, 09:46 AM   #7
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Dude if things were just starting why are you so concerned with the future? I mean I guess eventually it is important but if it feels right just go with it and have fun. If things do get more serious then that would be the time to address your concerns. Just my opinion as I am more of a live for the moment kinda guy.
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      02-13-2007, 09:51 AM   #8
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How do you know she is ready to settle down and have kids? I think you need to ask her. If it turns out she wants kids soon then it's time to part ways, but you never know. She may have as little interest in kids as you do. My wife and I have 12 years between us, sometimes age doesn't matter.
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      02-13-2007, 10:22 AM   #9
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wow that's harsh that she got teary eyed but at least you were honest. hopefully you broke it easier than the way you explained it above
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      02-13-2007, 11:19 AM   #10
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I'm not so much concerned with the future. I just never dealt with this age difference before. Usually I'm dating someone around my age so I just go with the flow, which is really what I want to do. The age thing just kinda freaked me out a little bit.

I really want to call (or email?) her up and try to talk this over with her again. I still want to keep seeing her. I'm nervous about those longer term issues though. I think that's the only thing I really need to tell her.

What do you guy thinks? Am I past the point of no return? Why does this all have to happen around V-day, it just makes it all worse. Thanks.
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      02-13-2007, 11:47 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deltron View Post
I'm not so much concerned with the future. I just never dealt with this age difference before. Usually I'm dating someone around my age so I just go with the flow, which is really what I want to do. The age thing just kinda freaked me out a little bit.

I really want to call (or email?) her up and try to talk this over with her again. I still want to keep seeing her. I'm nervous about those longer term issues though. I think that's the only thing I really need to tell her.

What do you guy thinks? Am I past the point of no return? Why does this all have to happen around V-day, it just makes it all worse. Thanks.
Dude, call her! Age is a huge thing but I personally think that if the person is on the same level as you, it really shouldn't be that much of a concern. Look at Ashton Kucher and Demi Moore...


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      02-13-2007, 08:03 PM   #12
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Like the late Aaliyah said: 'Age ain't nothin' but a number'

I have lots of friends who are married to older women...in fact, I have one friend who's wife is about 7 years older than him, and they are extremely happy together. That's all that counts in the end, no?

It's unbelievable, but we still live in an archaic society when it comes to issues of marriage etc...non-conformation to age-old stereotypes is still taboo. Even though things have improved over the last 20 years, it's amazing how ignorant a lot of people still are.

I say call this girl, and see where it goes. Like others have said, don't go into any relationship with preconcieved ideas. You must walk before you run
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      02-13-2007, 08:39 PM   #13
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My friends in a similar situation as you. Although, he's made up his mind. At least I hope so.

He started dating a woman who is 34, he's 25(26 next month). They really clicked from the beginning. They sort of broke up a few years back, but then found their way back to each other. Both got jealous of each other dating new people.

We all told him how great she was and how well she treated him. He didn't really grow up in a loving home, so she really filled that void too. My dad (who he respects greatly) always talked to him about the issues you're dealing with. Not sure exactly what he told him but I know it opened his eyes.

Now they have a 6 month old baby girl. She was planned, not an accident. They couldn't be happier.

I hope this will at least give you the mindset to at least try and stay with her. Nothing is guaranteed in life. When you feel love, you feel it. Go with your intuition, it usually knows best.
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      02-13-2007, 09:23 PM   #14
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wow a few days before Valentine's day, you're really good at timing. lol jk jk
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      02-13-2007, 09:44 PM   #15
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Thanks for the advice all.

I gave her a call and we talked about things. I was pretty much having a nervous moment, which was amplified with the age difference. I didn't say this. She was feeling the same things I was, so we agreed we should just keep seeing each other, take it slow and then see where it goes.

I also told her I wasn't doing anything for v-day, and that if she wasn't we should go out. She's been feeling a little under the weather, so when she feels better we'll make some time to go out again.

The thing that makes this hard to talk about, especially with friends or family, is that they usually go straight for argument that the older woman is out to pick up some young stupid guy. "There must be something wrong with her!" But isn't there usually something wrong with everyone, maybe even terribly wrong, and then you just stop seeing that person?

I found out today that more people I know where in the same situation. A couple even got hitched, but details were never shared.

All the old rules about dating and relationships are broken, but we're still acting like they haven't. Girls usually have to make the first move nowadays (at least this is what I read), which was definitely not the case in the past. No one really acknowledges it though. Most of my friends act like they want to make the first move, but usually don't.

Any ways, thanks again for all the advice. I'm glad that for now I'll keep seeing this girl.
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      02-13-2007, 09:47 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BMWE90 View Post
wow a few days before Valentine's day, you're really good at timing. lol jk jk
You know the worst thing about this is, I didn't want have any sort of conversation about this with her. Especially now. Some friends came down on me saying I lost my senses. So I caved.

Gotta remember to say no to peer pressure.
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      02-13-2007, 09:48 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deltron View Post
I'm not so much concerned with the future. I just never dealt with this age difference before. Usually I'm dating someone around my age so I just go with the flow, which is really what I want to do. The age thing just kinda freaked me out a little bit.

I really want to call (or email?) her up and try to talk this over with her again. I still want to keep seeing her. I'm nervous about those longer term issues though. I think that's the only thing I really need to tell her.

What do you guy thinks? Am I past the point of no return? Why does this all have to happen around V-day, it just makes it all worse. Thanks.
Then talk it over with them if you're fine with the idea. And don't buy into the v-day garbage; v-day or not, rational people don't let this week control their emotions. Although as the Merovingian (Matrix 3) said: It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity Sorry couldn't resist the Matrix quote.
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      02-13-2007, 10:29 PM   #18
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      02-14-2007, 10:50 AM   #19
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Still going thru the same thing with my oldest son (22) who just got married to a woman who is 34, with 3 kids. Now, my wife has been BESIDE herself, how could he marry one of her sisters (in her eyes).
Being the one who normally has an eye for the "more mature" women myself, I didn't see anything wrong with the age thing. I try to rationalize it to my wife, like that her sister is married to a guy 12+ years older, and has been for over 20 years. It just works for some people.
OK, so you're not looking to marry, but you enjoy each other's company. That was the thing I always noticed with my son. Yeah, she was older, probably had some serious sway with him in already having 3 kids, we all just ASSUMED she was teaching him all sorts of tricks But then he broguth her on teh family cruise to Mexico. I saw just how much fun they had together. They weren't an odd couple at all if you watched them and didn't know the age difference.
So go with the flow, don't worry what anyone beside you and she feel. think of it in another vain: would you be as worried if she was from a different race, not a different generation?
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