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      11-07-2008, 04:05 PM   #1
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Random Jokes

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!
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      11-07-2008, 04:09 PM   #2
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good stuff.... especially funny for lawyers! -- thanks for posting
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      11-07-2008, 04:09 PM   #3
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Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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      11-07-2008, 04:13 PM   #4
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      11-07-2008, 04:18 PM   #5
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What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?


Rooster: "Cock-a-doodle"

Hooker: "Any-cock-will-do"
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      11-07-2008, 04:20 PM   #6
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A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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      11-07-2008, 04:25 PM   #7
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Talking

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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      11-07-2008, 05:55 PM   #8
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LMFAO really nice ones.
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      11-07-2008, 08:21 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gadget View Post
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!"
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      11-07-2008, 09:00 PM   #10
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What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum cleaner? The location of the dirt bag.
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      11-09-2008, 04:27 AM   #11
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Aw, lame, I don't get it...is it cause he licks stamps? Therefore he eats her out?

By the way that electric train joke was fucking awesome.
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      11-09-2008, 09:42 PM   #12
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Quote:
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Aw, lame, I don't get it...is it cause he licks stamps? Therefore he eats her out?
There you go. You did get it after all.
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      11-09-2008, 11:54 PM   #13
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      11-10-2008, 03:04 PM   #14
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hahah train one is hilarious
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      11-24-2008, 08:54 PM   #15
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+1
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      11-24-2008, 09:54 PM   #16
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Why was Caesar's cell phone bill so high?





Cause he was roamin'


Thank you. I'll be here all week.
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      11-24-2008, 10:36 PM   #17
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ROFL at the train! Good one!
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      11-24-2008, 11:09 PM   #18
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ah, even the worst cheesy jokes r still good. nice 1 ken
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      02-20-2009, 12:01 PM   #19
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Lord Of The Rings
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more 'special'."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said.

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
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      02-20-2009, 12:06 PM   #20
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The Pregnant Blond
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more'

I asked, What do you mean there's more. She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, 'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
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      02-20-2009, 12:14 PM   #21
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Bear & Rabbit
So once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit walking through the forest and they bumped into a fairy and she said "I'll give you both three wishes."
So the bear goes "Ok I wish every bear in this forest was a girl except for me."

So the fairy grants it.

Then the rabbit goes "I wish for a helmet!"

So she grants it.

Then the bear goes "I wish every bear in the USA was a girl except for me."

So the fairy grants it. Then the rabbit goes, "I wish for a fast motorcycle."

She grants it.

Then on the last one the bear goes "I wish every bear in the world was a girl except for me." Then the rabbit goes "I wish this bear was gay."

The fairy grants it and the rabbit rides off.
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      02-20-2009, 01:34 PM   #22
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
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