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      10-31-2013, 09:31 PM   #573
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people are like chicken mcnuggets, nobody's that unique.

if you're stressing, move on... it's not worth it.
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      10-31-2013, 11:03 PM   #574
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Originally Posted by FwdFtl View Post
Can someone who has been happily married 10+ years chime in on the pros and cons of marriage?
I've been married for 25+ years, to my first wife. We have grown kids. Been through lots of "life" together, and are both very strong-willed. We butt heads a lot. Some things I've found:

-It takes two to argue. So if you are tired of it, don't engage in an argument. Whatever the situation, you always have the opportunity to say "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend you", and then quit responding. STFU. And if you are a man, be a man and take the leadership role. It's that simple.

-If you have kids, be about the kids. Again - be the adult - be the leader. If you had to choose between the kid and the SO, choose the kid. Every time. You both should agree on that - it's biological. If you feel like your wife/husband is a complete bitch on skates, and you can't live under the same roof, why would you move out and leave your innocent, defenseless kid(s) with her/him? Your kids are fun, at every age. Look for it, and enjoy it - it won't last. And as adults, they can be awesome.

-Life is not about what happens to you - it's about how you react to what happens to you. So for whatever you find lacking or annoying, ask yourself how you can change your outlook. Lots of money/no money, exciting/boring sex, etc. - it's your choice in how you look at it.

-Never cheat. Be above deceit. An "open marriage" is no marriage - don't deceive yourself.

-Recognize that there is something greater than yourself. Lead your spouse and children in the same recognition. To reject it is to lead a life and a family without hope - and that won't end well.
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      11-01-2013, 09:04 AM   #575
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From reading about the little tidbits of your relationship, Billup, it reminds me of mine. Lots of arguing and making up, lots of compromise from my end. In the end it just gets old.

Some of us choose better than others. I chose poorly, but I was in love, felt she was "the one" within weeks of meeting her, started changing things, giving up dreams "for her", and ignored red flags.

As Mr. Thinka said, marriage isn't for everyone. It certainly isn't for me, and it took a failed marriage to really learn that. I also learned, and plan to teach my kids, that it's not worth to give up your dreams for anybody. If you meet the right person, and they don't like something you do or want to accomplish, they aren't the right person for you.

Now that I have kids and my single-dad family, I really don't see a point to ever get married again. I can hire a maid for the laundry, and I make a damn fine sandwich myself, let alone my awesome smoked chicken!

It is a similar situation. Actually, we haven't even spoken for two days now because of our last predicament. I am perfectly fine with it, and I hope she doesn't expect me to run back to her (which she probably will, because we should have to run to them, not them to us).

The bold part is spot on. Thought she was the one, but I have been ignoring red flags for a long time, as I'm sure she has been as well. I wanted to give it benefit of the doubt, but the amount of times I had made her cry, scream, hang up on me...., is probably more often than there are stars in the sky. Should that not be a tell tale sign that I am not right for HER.

I am 150% self efficient and don't have to rely on anyone for anything, and I've worked to hard to get where I am, to have someone stress me out more often than not because of things I do or things I say. Especially when I am putting my life on hold to move her out here so she can go to college and get a degree? Shes already said she feels "trapped" or "fucked over", then doesn't realize how that would sound if I said that to her. Its one sided.
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      11-01-2013, 10:44 AM   #576
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Billup View Post
I am 150% self efficient and don't have to rely on anyone for anything, and I've worked to hard to get where I am, to have someone stress me out more often than not because of things I do or things I say. Especially when I am putting my life on hold to move her out here so she can go to college and get a degree? Shes already said she feels "trapped" or "fucked over", then doesn't realize how that would sound if I said that to her. Its one sided.

I think it is safe to assume the thought has already crossed your mind to part ways at this point. This is going to be the better time to break it off before you move her out to your new location and she becomes more reliant on you, especially if she feels "trapped" by all of this. Who knows, it could maybe go the other way and strengthen the relationship between the two of you.
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      11-01-2013, 01:51 PM   #577
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You're 18.
I lol'd.
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      11-01-2013, 02:42 PM   #578
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      11-01-2013, 03:56 PM   #579
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbbmw View Post
I've been married for 25+ years, to my first wife. We have grown kids. Been through lots of "life" together, and are both very strong-willed. We butt heads a lot. Some things I've found:

-It takes two to argue. So if you are tired of it, don't engage in an argument. Whatever the situation, you always have the opportunity to say "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend you", and then quit responding. STFU. And if you are a man, be a man and take the leadership role. It's that simple.

-If you have kids, be about the kids. Again - be the adult - be the leader. If you had to choose between the kid and the SO, choose the kid. Every time. You both should agree on that - it's biological. If you feel like your wife/husband is a complete bitch on skates, and you can't live under the same roof, why would you move out and leave your innocent, defenseless kid(s) with her/him? Your kids are fun, at every age. Look for it, and enjoy it - it won't last. And as adults, they can be awesome.

-Life is not about what happens to you - it's about how you react to what happens to you. So for whatever you find lacking or annoying, ask yourself how you can change your outlook. Lots of money/no money, exciting/boring sex, etc. - it's your choice in how you look at it.

-Never cheat. Be above deceit. An "open marriage" is no marriage - don't deceive yourself.

-Recognize that there is something greater than yourself. Lead your spouse and children in the same recognition. To reject it is to lead a life and a family without hope - and that won't end well.
great advice here. I know lots of married men who struggle with both. Thanks!
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      11-01-2013, 04:00 PM   #580
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great advice here. I know lots of married men who struggle with both. Thanks!
seems to be the general opinion i get from married guys with kids: it's all about the kid.

i'm reminded of that scene from zack and miri make a porno where the producer says "if i knew what i was getting into i woulda just wacked off to porn instead"
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      11-01-2013, 04:18 PM   #581
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Not sure what this has to do with this thread, but it was funny as hell!

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      11-02-2013, 03:42 PM   #582
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Tonka's given some good advice (btw, way to go Casanova for deciding to eat Chipotle anyways - I'm sure that was a wicked good decision on your part - actually, bet I might have done the same and we both would have learned the same lesson)

Billup - just wanted to say that it sounds like you're thinking and that's great.

The advice here, while I think is good, is just from people who cannot possibly understand everything there is about your current relationship (including all the good - not just bad). So take it in the way it is meant - it is just consideration points, only you know the true in's and out's of your relationship, and only you can measure whether its truly healthy for you, and her, and whether it should continue or not.

You sound like a smart guy and I'm sure you will make the right decision, there isn't a need to rush into it, take the time you need, but try to truly evaluate the situation as a whole - not just with the emotion you feel when talking to your SO. Think about the actions, from both of you, not just on her side - is it truly one sided or could you be trivializing your own issues (and I have no idea, but if you reach the point where you decide you want to make this work - at least for a while longer, I think its a question you will really need to evaluate).

I read about a little tool I suppose you would call it - a test more or less, which may be helpful in evaluating yourself somewhat honestly which has stuck with me - if you're interested, PM me.
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