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      10-24-2013, 11:56 AM   #485
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For those of you whom are married / divorced, did problems not arise until after marriage mostly? Did you have problems prior? Was it mostly communication on opposing views for certain things?

My current SO's mother has been married and divorced twice, her family dynamics are complete opposite of my family (parents have been together for 40 some years, no arguments in the house, respectful to each other). Has anyone experienced something similar with their SO?
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      10-24-2013, 01:09 PM   #486
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Just don't get fucking married, dude.
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      10-24-2013, 01:15 PM   #487
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Don't plan on it, ever. To me its only a document to shove in a drawer next to the HS diploma.

I don't mind having a girlfriend forever, but I won't allow someone to have a contract to my assets if they feel "unloved" and want out (and I don't care for the BS of a prenup, either).
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      10-24-2013, 01:22 PM   #488
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With the forever girlfriend, to protect yourself, don't ever commingle monies (bank accounts, etc.) and make sure even if she lives with you a lot she keeps her own place).

Basically protect yourself and assets against any common law marriage bullshit as well.

But yeah, good strategy.

When I was young I swore I'd never get married.
Then I got married.
Now, I'm getting divorced and you know what, I was right when I was young.
But my 2 mini-me's totally kick ass though.

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      10-24-2013, 01:22 PM   #489
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OMG her new boyfriend is enjoying your $$$, wtf man?
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Yup, it is sad but there is nothing I can do about it
I heard he bought a Lambo.
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      10-24-2013, 01:29 PM   #490
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With the forever girlfriend, to protect yourself, don't ever commingle monies (bank accounts, etc.) and make sure even if she lives with you a lot she keeps her own place).

Basically protect yourself and assets against any common law marriage bullshit as well.

But yeah, good strategy.

When I was young I swore I'd never get married.
Then I got married.
Now, I'm getting divorced and you know what, I was right when I was young.
But my 2 mini-me's totally kick ass though.

I thought I wanted to get married to my current, but even just a regular relationship carries enough weight to make that thought go right out the window. Hell, I am almost to a point where I want to leave her in MI. If she moves down here, I am the sole provider for everything..., I don't need to hear BS after a day of sitting at work drawing works of art.

I wouldn't mind having a little Billup running around, but I figured I would just use a hooker as an involuntary surrogate or something.
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      10-24-2013, 02:02 PM   #491
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For those of you whom are married / divorced, did problems not arise until after marriage mostly? Did you have problems prior? Was it mostly communication on opposing views for certain things?

My current SO's mother has been married and divorced twice, her family dynamics are complete opposite of my family (parents have been together for 40 some years, no arguments in the house, respectful to each other). Has anyone experienced something similar with their SO?
It has been said that the argument you had the week before your wedding is the same argument that will cause your divorce (or at least the same argument you will be having during your divorce).

I am married, and my relationship is much like that of your parents (and my parents for that matter), and that is how its always been. Her family is like your SO's (even a bit more Jerry Springerish) which concerned me.

Sort out your communication style early. A couple of my rules were/are if there is a problem get it out, don't let it build up. Another rule (which was more important when we were younger) no discussing things/issues with alcohol involved, even one glass of wine. Talk about it tomorrow.

Some people need chaos in their lives (they call it excitement), date those people, bang those people, do not get involved in long term relationships with those people. They will cheat on you.
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      10-24-2013, 03:28 PM   #492
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It has been said that the argument you had the week before your wedding is the same argument that will cause your divorce (or at least the same argument you will be having during your divorce).

I am married, and my relationship is much like that of your parents (and my parents for that matter), and that is how its always been. Her family is like your SO's (even a bit more Jerry Springerish) which concerned me.

Sort out your communication style early. A couple of my rules were/are if there is a problem get it out, don't let it build up. Another rule (which was more important when we were younger) no discussing things/issues with alcohol involved, even one glass of wine. Talk about it tomorrow.

Some people need chaos in their lives (they call it excitement), date those people, bang those people, do not get involved in long term relationships with those people. They will cheat on you.
WOW! What you wrote and a lot of comments here are exactly what i've been thinking since my teen years. I just never had someone or a place to discuss it. I felt i was alone and my thoughts were crazy.

Now i see that there are so many people out there with the same thoughts as mine.
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      10-24-2013, 05:35 PM   #493
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With the forever girlfriend, to protect yourself, don't ever commingle monies (bank accounts, etc.) and make sure even if she lives with you a lot she keeps her own place).

Basically protect yourself and assets against any common law marriage bullshit as well.

But yeah, good strategy.

When I was young I swore I'd never get married.
Then I got married.
Now, I'm getting divorced
and you know what, I was right when I was young.
But my 2 mini-me's totally kick ass though.



This is exactly what i'm afraid of.
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      10-24-2013, 07:24 PM   #494
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That fear is not at all invalid.
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      10-25-2013, 07:20 AM   #495
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It has been said that the argument you had the week before your wedding is the same argument that will cause your divorce (or at least the same argument you will be having during your divorce).

I am married, and my relationship is much like that of your parents (and my parents for that matter), and that is how its always been. Her family is like your SO's (even a bit more Jerry Springerish) which concerned me.

Sort out your communication style early. A couple of my rules were/are if there is a problem get it out, don't let it build up. Another rule (which was more important when we were younger) no discussing things/issues with alcohol involved, even one glass of wine. Talk about it tomorrow.

Some people need chaos in their lives (they call it excitement), date those people, bang those people, do not get involved in long term relationships with those people. They will cheat on you.
We have been battling a communication issue for 3 years. Now even more so, as I reside in NC and I left her in MI. We are both hard headed people, and when it comes to discussing things, the conversation will start normal, then she will get "bitchy" with me, so then I turn into a real dick.

I've never been confrontational, our household was always peaceful, hers was always hectic. I hear the term "I'm afraid she will end up like her mother", and it makes me think.

I just don't feel marriage is really worth it, in the end. I don't see the benefits or what its supposed to really change.
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      10-25-2013, 08:41 AM   #496
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      10-25-2013, 09:43 AM   #497
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Billup View Post
For those of you whom are married / divorced, did problems not arise until after marriage mostly? Did you have problems prior? Was it mostly communication on opposing views for certain things?

My current SO's mother has been married and divorced twice, her family dynamics are complete opposite of my family (parents have been together for 40 some years, no arguments in the house, respectful to each other). Has anyone experienced something similar with their SO?
My girl's dad is kind of like me in the sense that he doesn't talk much, doesn't get too worked up over anything, etc., so we are usually fine. Her mom is batshit crazy sometimes though. Constantly texts her while we're out or at home, I mean like every few minutes. If my girl doesn't text her back in about 5 minutes, she's calling and I can hear her saying, "Why didn't you text me back?" She has to strategically text her mom beforehand for things and tell her "DON'T CALL ME AND I'M NOT ANSWERING TEXTS UNTIL LATER" so when we are "busy" we're not getting interrupted (or out to eat, at the movies, whatever).

Since she lives a lot closer to us (for example, my parents are over 8 hours away by car, she's only about 2.5), she is always wanting to come over and spend a few days, but it's mostly to see our dogs. Annoys the shit out of me. I have stuff I want to do when I'm not working too, and feeding her mom and dealing with our dogs and how she messes with them are not those things. She's also got some medical concerns so being around large dogs that may knock her down is something that really puts me on edge when she visits. A lot of it bugs the hell out of me, and she knows it, but we don't argue over it. It's something we can't change (her mom's personality).

I can certainly understand the fear of marriage. That's why we have lived together for almost two years before getting married. Dating is one thing, and you can learn a lot, but I don't think you ever truly get to know someone until you live with them for a while. You learn their habits, bad or good, and how you can deal with them TOGETHER. I disagree with the conventional thought of not living together until you're married. That (among other reasons) is why there are so many divorces today, because people still think they should follow some traditional bullshit. In today's society, that crap doesn't work.
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      10-25-2013, 10:05 AM   #498
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Lots of divorces either way, I don't think living together beforehand or not is any indicator. Something just changes inside the woman's head once they get married.

My question is, if you're living together, why bother getting married? What is the benefit?

For a man, there are only risks. There is no benefit to a man from being married vs. just having a long term relationship. Absolutely none. The woman, however, stands to now gain financially in terms of assets and income (alimony) if things don't work out.
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      10-25-2013, 10:11 AM   #499
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Lots of divorces either way, I don't think living together beforehand or not is any indicator. Something just changes inside the woman's head once they get married.

My question is, if you're living together, why bother getting married? What is the benefit?

For a man, there are only risks. There is no benefit to a man from being married vs. just having a long term relationship. Absolutely none. The woman, however, stands to now gain financially in terms of assets and income (alimony) if things don't work out.

This is exactly how I see it. We are deciding if we will be able to handle things in the proper manner once she does move out here, because the closest place she can run will be 12 hours away...,

She will more than likely get a nice ring worth a good chunk of change, and then the satisfaction of knowing if she wants out, she will be well taken care of, while I get the thick end of my own shaft. What does a man truly get out of marriage? Those who are married..., what has been a benefit to YOU?
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      10-25-2013, 10:22 AM   #500
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For a man, there are only risks. There is no benefit to a man from being married vs. just having a long term relationship. Absolutely none. The woman, however, stands to now gain financially in terms of assets and income (alimony) if things don't work out.
Prenup and you're good.

But women who are out to get you financially won't marry you with a prenup. So use that as your deciding factor if you want to.

I'm not arguing that there is any benefit. Everything you do in life comes with risks. You can either make an educated decision, or fall on your face by not learning and doing things the right way (i.e. research).

I'm not worried, because I know what I am walking in to so far. I can also read people very well, I've had quite a few years of experience with it. I'm also not an 18 year old idiot who says "oh I am so in love."

My fiancee makes more money than I do. So there's that, too.

EDIT: I think I saw somewhere, may have been in this thread, the rate of divorce is much higher for young people who get married, as opposed to first time marriages for more mature couples (around 30 years old). I could be wrong. I don't have the time to look it up now. That's why I made the "18 year old idiot" comment.
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      10-25-2013, 11:23 AM   #501
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Prenups can and do get thrown out on a regular basis. So it can help but certainly isn't the "get out of jail free" card that it's purported to be.

A prenup also can become a source of contention. It will come up in every fight. It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not saying don't do it.

In fact, since I am getting divorced, any comment I make regarding marriage will rightfully have the taint of bitterness attached to it.

So I've kept quiet. But in my head I know what I am willing and not willing to accept at this point.

I also know that no one could have talked me out of it, either.

Note, i wasn't saying that the risk is that of marrying a good digger. Just that, after years of a lifestyle, possibly staying at home after first kid is born, and then things falling apart, coupled with a system biased against men that makes it easy for women to collect substantial money after a divorce, in some cases for life... Well, even the kindest sweetheart will have a hard time turning this down.

Truth be told, there's a saying that you don't know a woman till you get married. I think the true reality is that, you don't know her until you get divorced.
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      10-25-2013, 11:31 AM   #502
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Prenups can and do get thrown out on a regular basis. So it can help but certainly isn't the "get out of jail free" card that it's purported to be.

A prenup also can become a source of contention. It will come up in every fight. It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not saying don't do it.

In fact, since I am getting divorced, any comment I make regarding marriage will rightfully have the taint of bitterness attached to it.

So I've kept quiet. But in my head I know what I am willing and not willing to accept at this point.

I also know that no one could have talked me out of it, either.

Note, i wasn't saying that the risk is that of marrying a good digger. Just that, after years of a lifestyle, possibly staying at home after first kid is born, and then things falling apart, coupled with a system biased against men that makes it easy for women to collect substantial money after a divorce, in some cases for life... Well, even the kindest sweetheart will have a hard time turning this down.

Truth be told, there's a saying that you don't know a woman till you get married. I think the true reality is that, you don't know her until you get divorced.
My whole thing with a prenup is that (in a womans mind), that would be my way of saying there is no trust, and surely many women wouldn't be too excited to hear that word. Maybe because they feel their entitlement should something go wrong, is now revoked?

If there is a matter of conflicting opinions on how certain things should be handled early, should it not be expected to happen in the imminent future?

I feel it would be much easier to have life issues, and separate with no legally binding contract, but in turn, makes me selfish for not wanting commitment. One thing I will never do, is be a divorcee, which may be a leading reason I don't want to marry at all.
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      10-25-2013, 12:19 PM   #503
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I could just be jaded because I feel like I've found the perfect person for me. All the little things about me that people have said they hated, she loves. I never really believed the whole "soul mate/one person for everyone" thing, but she's been able to put up with me so far, and I haven't changed my lifestyle that much at all (except dating other women ).
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      10-25-2013, 01:20 PM   #504
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I thouth about the same. Is there any voluteer? I am offering 50K...
where are the pics ?
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      10-25-2013, 01:24 PM   #505
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Lots of divorces either way, I don't think living together beforehand or not is any indicator. Something just changes inside the woman's head once they get married.

My question is, if you're living together, why bother getting married? What is the benefit?

For a man, there are only risks. There is no benefit to a man from being married vs. just having a long term relationship. Absolutely none. The woman, however, stands to now gain financially in terms of assets and income (alimony) if things don't work out.
You are very right my friend. I am the poor OP and couldn't agree with you any more.

I lived with my X almost 2.5 years. It was all good. After we got married the first 2.5 years were perfect too, until my daughter was born. It turn our life upside down. Kids are the main reason why many marriages fall a part mostly because the additional work and financial burden that comes with the kids.

You are also right with your comment about risks and benefits for man and woman. Unfortunately woman are the ones who would push for marriage most of the time because they want security. 50 year old successful can easily find 35-40 good looking woman. But there is almost no way for 50 year old woman to do so. The best man most of 50 year old woman can find is 50+ year old man. But best of 50+ man already with younger woman, so most 50+ woman are stuck with not so good man. That's why woman push for marriage. Also financial gain is another major factor since most woman can not make as much as man.
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      10-25-2013, 01:53 PM   #506
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You are very right my friend. I am the poor OP and couldn't agree with you any more.

I lived with my X almost 2.5 years. It was all good. After we got married the first 2.5 years were perfect too, until my daughter was born. It turn our life upside down. Kids are the main reason why many marriages fall a part mostly because the additional work and financial burden that comes with the kids.

You are also right with your comment about risks and benefits for man and woman. Unfortunately woman are the ones who would push for marriage most of the time because they want security. 50 year old successful can easily find 35-40 good looking woman. But there is almost no way for 50 year old woman to do so. The best man most of 50 year old woman can find is 50+ year old man. But best of 50+ man already with younger woman, so most 50+ woman are stuck with not so good man. That's why woman push for marriage. Also financial gain is another major factor since most woman can not make as much as man.
I read your original post, and I am very sorry for your misfortune. I really don't know what I would do in your position, and things like this, are reasons I stray from this type of commitment. I do not want to become vulnerable to the fact that I could lose my ass, because I thought I could trust another.

I wish you the best of luck with everything in your future!
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