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      08-22-2013, 02:38 PM   #441
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Fireline, two things and you probably already know this:
If you are having sexual relations with her currently you better cease and desist. The possibility of children right now is a disaster for your whole life.
Just think every day your with her your alimony payments are increasing, so nows the time.
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      08-22-2013, 02:45 PM   #442
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Wow I can't even begin to imagine being with someone with that much credit card debt.
You ever watch the Suze Orman show ? And for that matter, check out the "How am I dong?" segment as well. I'm not even joking when I say 99% of the people who appear on that show are going to have to live out retirement in poverty because they have next to nothing.
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      08-22-2013, 02:52 PM   #443
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[quote=fireline43;14542391]
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Originally Posted by Foxrus14 View Post

Thanks the the advice man. I would imagine if your paying alimony though all of a sudden she wouldnt want to get married to fast, either would the other guy. Banking 1k a month for no reason.
Yeah it seems to me that if the other guy makes a middle class income then then probability of your alimony covering the difference in federal income tax liability from filing "married jointly" to filing individually is higher.

The more income this other guy (and/or your ex) makes, the greater the tax penalty for not being married and filing jointly. I guess that's the good news especially given that 1k/month in alimony is not really a lot of money to begin with.

Man though, I'm imagining a scenario where an ex-wife gets, I don't know, $10M/month in alimony (I'm just throwing out an absurd number here) from her ex-billionaire husband. I suppose in all likelihood this would totally eliminate her incentive to get married to her current significant other if it meant forsaking that $10M/month.

I'm not a lawyer or anything and I'm just talking out loud here, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
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      08-22-2013, 03:29 PM   #444
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Originally Posted by fireline43 View Post
Man, i have to say i've been having the ideas of divorce after 2 1/2 years of marriage. It just seems like we are not going in a good direction or have the same goals in life. My wife has gone through 3 jobs so far, quitting 2 and getting fired from one. She does not contribute whatsover to the home chores. No cooking or cleaning. When she stays at home, she just sits on the couch watching tv. I work my job, come home and cook dinner and clean up every day.
I've even just gave up at point and didn't do anything, I held out a month, but once the bathroom starts molding and crap, i mean come on. I feel I married a loser. She doesn't even want children, which i think would be her savior to hide behind.
I'm scard of divorce like people have talked about here though, because of how bad it can be financially and with her not having a stable job, I feel like I'd just have to pay for her. It's like I'm at the point I could care less being with women anymore (not turning gay), just living alone. I did it a couple years before her and was pretty happy.
Damn, dude. That's where I was, too. Plus she was not much fun and had no sex drive of her own. I envy you for figuring it out after only 2.5 years. It builds tons of resentment and is a huge hit on self-esteem when you do everything and get nothing in return but someone to hang out with. Sounds like she's using you. It's a big hole to climb out of via counseling...probably impossible... so unless you have strong feelings (other than neediness) I'd suggest cutting your losses and moving on. I did after 13 years an am super happy now and dating all kinds of fun, ambitious, fit, sexy, independent, successful women, every one of which wants a serious relationship. I get my pick when I'm ready to settle down, and have tons of fun in the mean time


Foxrus: unless your ex's new guy is loaded, she probably would've taken forever to remarry. I will never be in a relationship with someone who has (or, probably, has ever had) lots of consumer debt.

Last edited by carve; 08-22-2013 at 03:35 PM.
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      08-22-2013, 04:10 PM   #445
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My wife made sure that I did!

Speaking of which, here we are enjoying a beautiful afternoon:

You look vaguely familiar, maybe I've seen you around since I have a home near your area or maybe sometime elsewhere? Ever been to Ibzia in your yacht? If I could offer another suggestion, no need for bow thrusters, I just hire a hundred young locals to pull the boat in it's far cheaper and a true green alternative.

Cheers

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      08-22-2013, 04:15 PM   #446
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You look vaguely familiar, maybe I've seen you around since I have a home near your area or maybe sometime elsewhere? Ever been to Ibzia in your yacht? If I could offer another suggestion, no need for bow thrusters, I just hire a hundred young locals to pull the boat in it's far cheaper and a true green alternative.

Cheers

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      08-22-2013, 05:09 PM   #447
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireline43 View Post
Man, i have to say i've been having the ideas of divorce after 2 1/2 years of marriage. It just seems like we are not going in a good direction or have the same goals in life. My wife has gone through 3 jobs so far, quitting 2 and getting fired from one. She does not contribute whatsover to the home chores. No cooking or cleaning. When she stays at home, she just sits on the couch watching tv. I work my job, come home and cook dinner and clean up every day.
I've even just gave up at point and didn't do anything, I held out a month, but once the bathroom starts molding and crap, i mean come on. I feel I married a loser. She doesn't even want children, which i think would be her savior to hide behind.
I'm scard of divorce like people have talked about here though, because of how bad it can be financially and with her not having a stable job, I feel like I'd just have to pay for her. It's like I'm at the point I could care less being with women anymore (not turning gay), just living alone. I did it a couple years before her and was pretty happy.
Get out now unless you really love the person she is. Yours is exactly the situation I was in years ago, and I didn't get out when I should have. You have a very short marriage and no kids. The horror stories all involve long term marriages and/or kids.

Yes, your life will have to endure a little short term stress, but it will be over and done with and you can move on. If your wife feels the same way, then you can go to a mediator and wrap it all up for probably $3-4k. Split the assets down the middle and go on your way. Do not waste time and money arguing over small material objects (TV, computer, etc) In the grand scheme of things, they mean little.

And, I TOTALLY agree with what someone earlier posted... Stop having sex. God forbid that she gets pregnant in the midst of this....now your horror story will begin.
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      08-22-2013, 06:21 PM   #448
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Interesting info here.

Have any of you guys ever been engaged and then got cold feet?

If so, what was your rationale to solidify your decision?
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      08-22-2013, 06:26 PM   #449
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carve View Post
Damn, dude. That's where I was, too. Plus she was not much fun and had no sex drive of her own. I envy you for figuring it out after only 2.5 years. It builds tons of resentment and is a huge hit on self-esteem when you do everything and get nothing in return but someone to hang out with. Sounds like she's using you. It's a big hole to climb out of via counseling...probably impossible... so unless you have strong feelings (other than neediness) I'd suggest cutting your losses and moving on. I did after 13 years an am super happy now and dating all kinds of fun, ambitious, fit, sexy, independent, successful women, every one of which wants a serious relationship. I get my pick when I'm ready to settle down, and have tons of fun in the mean time


Foxrus: unless your ex's new guy is loaded, she probably would've taken forever to remarry. I will never be in a relationship with someone who has (or, probably, has ever had) lots of consumer debt.
Good advice here!
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      08-23-2013, 10:28 AM   #450
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Originally Posted by FwdFtl View Post
Interesting info here.

Have any of you guys ever been engaged and then got cold feet?

If so, what was your rationale to solidify your decision?
I have. Reason behind it was that in our engagement (8 months) she slowly changed how things were done once she thought she had me "tied down" so to speak. It changed from a "us" decision to a "her" decision for almost everything, which wasn't working for me. I also started getting questioned on things like why I worked as much as I did/do (this was shortly after starting my business), who I would be talking to at 10 at night on the phone (business partner), as well as other things. We had a talk about all of this at one point, and it did get better for a while, but it all went back eventually. She admitted that, in the end, she somehow couldn't deal with the fact that we weren't spending as much time together and was jealous of the time work was taking away from our relationship. Things ended amicably, thankfully, and we still are friends to this day. She is now happily married and has a kid, and I have a wonderful girlfriend who understands the work that owning a business takes given that she grew up in that environment.
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      08-23-2013, 02:13 PM   #451
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you know, @#$@ happens to all of us. I am 40 and never been married, I am dating the same girl and living together for the past 8 years and I dont have any plans to get married... yet! Relationships are all difficult, you are putting two people with their own set ways and asking them to cater to one another for the rest of their lives. Some can make it, some fail, some just deal with each other for a while or forever.... If you are not sure, even about one thing about your partner you should never ask the question to begin with.
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      08-23-2013, 02:54 PM   #452
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you know, @#$@ happens to all of us. I am 40 and never been married, I am dating the same girl and living together for the past 8 years and I dont have any plans to get married... yet! Relationships are all difficult, you are putting two people with their own set ways and asking them to cater to one another for the rest of their lives. Some can make it, some fail, some just deal with each other for a while or forever.... If you are not sure, even about one thing about your partner you should never ask the question to begin with.
This is true. Most people get married just because it's the next step. Just like having kids.... We're married now so what's the next step... a kid. I've been to dinner with people who have been married for a year and watched the flame of their relationship fizzle out right there at the table. They don't talk about important things before getting married. I'm amazed by this.

When someone asks me about kids and i say i don't want kids the very next question from a woman is, What does your wife think about this? Like we haven't talked about that crap or something?!?!? Really!? if it's a man, the response is usually, Oh, cool.

My wife and i had similar view points on the important stuff (religion, kids, money, where we'd live, future plans, current debt) and with that in place we figured the rest of it didn't matter so much. Nearly 11 years later, everything is still good.
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      08-23-2013, 03:12 PM   #453
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Why can't two people live together without people saying "your shacking up" or whatever? As long as your loyal to that person and trust each other 100% why is it that you have to sign a contract saying your married? Can someone enlighten me?
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      08-23-2013, 08:35 PM   #454
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Why can't two people live together without people saying "your shacking up" or whatever? As long as your loyal to that person and trust each other 100% why is it that you have to sign a contract saying your married? Can someone enlighten me?
There is an expression:

"Commitment isn't the time you spend, it is a line you cross". Being married, I feel a deeper bond and level of commitment to my wife.

Also, FWIW, from a divorce perspective, in many states there is what is called "common law marriage". If you have been shacked up for long enough (usually 5-10 years), your ex can go after assets, alimony, etc.
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      08-23-2013, 08:55 PM   #455
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LarThaL View Post
There is an expression:
"Commitment isn't the time you spend, it is a line you cross". Being married, I feel a deeper bond and level of commitment to my wife.
I do agree with that quote. (There's actually a cool No Fear poster featuring Paul Tracy with that saying.)

Thing is, you should "cross that line" before you walk down the aisle anyway, to see if you are both comfortable with being on the other side of that line.

If you cant/wont cross that line before, then your relationship has issues that a piece of paper ain't gonna solve.

I didnt feel any deeper bond after I got married, as I'd already mentally/emotionally checked into that space beforehand, just to make sure it fit.
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      08-23-2013, 09:22 PM   #456
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people can have healthy long term relationships without getting married. i'm sure theres long term couples out there who are closer than married ones too
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      08-24-2013, 12:46 PM   #457
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people can have healthy long term relationships without getting married. i'm sure theres long term couples out there who are closer than married ones too
Yes, but they haven't made a commitment. There is still the idea that "I can easily get out if I want to". That is not a commitment, and wouldn't personally work for me. But that's me.

Now, the idea that marriage has to have a LEGAL component to it, is a very different concept, and is not what I am speaking of. However, since our society has decided to put all sorts of financial ramifications on marriage, it has created a need to have a legal component to it as well.

Remember, marriage is about love, divorce is about money.
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      08-25-2013, 12:14 AM   #458
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LarThaL View Post
Yes, but they haven't made a commitment. There is still the idea that "I can easily get out if I want to". That is not a commitment, and wouldn't personally work for me. But that's me.

Now, the idea that marriage has to have a LEGAL component to it, is a very different concept, and is not what I am speaking of. However, since our society has decided to put all sorts of financial ramifications on marriage, it has created a need to have a legal component to it as well.

Remember, marriage is about love, divorce is about money.
you dont need to be married to make a commitment.
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      08-27-2013, 08:38 PM   #459
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Tonka View Post
This is true. Most people get married just because it's the next step. Just like having kids.... We're married now so what's the next step... a kid. I've been to dinner with people who have been married for a year and watched the flame of their relationship fizzle out right there at the table. They don't talk about important things before getting married. I'm amazed by this.

When someone asks me about kids and i say i don't want kids the very next question from a woman is, What does your wife think about this? Like we haven't talked about that crap or something?!?!? Really!? if it's a man, the response is usually, Oh, cool.

My wife and i had similar view points on the important stuff (religion, kids, money, where we'd live, future plans, current debt) and with that in place we figured the rest of it didn't matter so much. Nearly 11 years later, everything is still good.

So true. The only steps i'm worried about right now is my building block of income. Marriage can wait. Kids, never.
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      10-09-2013, 01:41 PM   #460
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireline43 View Post
Man, i have to say i've been having the ideas of divorce after 2 1/2 years of marriage. It just seems like we are not going in a good direction or have the same goals in life. My wife has gone through 3 jobs so far, quitting 2 and getting fired from one. She does not contribute whatsover to the home chores. No cooking or cleaning. When she stays at home, she just sits on the couch watching tv. I work my job, come home and cook dinner and clean up every day.
I've even just gave up at point and didn't do anything, I held out a month, but once the bathroom starts molding and crap, i mean come on. I feel I married a loser. She doesn't even want children, which i think would be her savior to hide behind.
I'm scard of divorce like people have talked about here though, because of how bad it can be financially and with her not having a stable job, I feel like I'd just have to pay for her. It's like I'm at the point I could care less being with women anymore (not turning gay), just living alone. I did it a couple years before her and was pretty happy.
Hey , I am the misfortunate OP who pays ~4K a month alimony. When I read your post, first I though you were talking about me! This is almost identical to what I went through for 15 years. Now I am paying the price. My advice is you should talk to at least 2-3 good divorce lawyers and start the process asap. The longer you stay the worse it will be for you!

Good luck
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      10-09-2013, 04:07 PM   #461
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireline43 View Post
Man, i have to say i've been having the ideas of divorce after 2 1/2 years of marriage. It just seems like we are not going in a good direction or have the same goals in life. My wife has gone through 3 jobs so far, quitting 2 and getting fired from one. She does not contribute whatsover to the home chores. No cooking or cleaning. When she stays at home, she just sits on the couch watching tv. I work my job, come home and cook dinner and clean up every day.
I've even just gave up at point and didn't do anything, I held out a month, but once the bathroom starts molding and crap, i mean come on. I feel I married a loser. She doesn't even want children, which i think would be her savior to hide behind.
I'm scard of divorce like people have talked about here though, because of how bad it can be financially and with her not having a stable job, I feel like I'd just have to pay for her. It's like I'm at the point I could care less being with women anymore (not turning gay), just living alone. I did it a couple years before her and was pretty happy.
If you can't get anywhere with communication, could you just kick her out? Maybe that would wake her up. bye bye hon!
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      10-09-2013, 04:19 PM   #462
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Originally Posted by mylydiamy View Post
Hey , I am the misfortunate OP who pays ~4K a month alimony. When I read your post, first I though you were talking about me! This is almost identical to what I went through for 15 years. Now I am paying the price. My advice is you should talk to at least 2-3 good divorce lawyers and start the process asap. The longer you stay the worse it will be for you!

Good luck
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Hope you're enjoying it to the fullest, OP.
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