View Single Post
      07-22-2010, 06:23 PM   #1
Private First Class
Vanity's Avatar

Drives: BMW E90 LCI
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: BC, Canada

iTrader: (0)

What's keeping me up late at night...

Yes, because my life is that thrilling~

About a week ago I was sleeping in my bedroom. I woke up in the middle of the night to hear flickering on the ceiling. What could it be? Some weird bug which I fear. I couldn't make out what type of bug it was because it was just all over the place. We fear what we do not understand. Yet at the same time we want to destroy it. So I grabbed my trusty air freshener spray can and a magazine to be used as a fly neutralizer and swatter. The bug was random and stealth at the same time. One second it was in plain view, the next it was out of sight and making those disturbing flickering noises with it's wings against the wall.

I couldn't tell what it was. Was it a bee? Or a beetle? I knew for sure it wasn't a giant centipede, unless it was a flying giant centipede. It wasn't the normal centipede-like things or sowbugs that I easily kill. No. It was entirely more sinister...and yet seductive at the same time. Like Angelina Jolie, but uglier. I digress.

Not being able to trace it, I decided to quit trying to kill it. It finally stopped flickering and settled somewhere. Unfortunately it was, as before, a place I couldn't swat it at. Next best thing would be to use my trusty petunia air freshener. So I did in the vicinity of where I thought it was camping. Spray as I did my place reeked of chemical petunias, yet the bug was nowhere to be seen. I then coughed to myself "Yes! It is dead.", then went off to sleep high on sugar and Cialis. Ok, not sugar.

About a week later, it was yesterday, I had trouble falling asleep until I finally did so around midnight. To my surprise (buttsecks), I woke up around 4 AM to hear the flickering once more. I gathered it was the same culprit. But how? Now it was flickering next to my window at the window screen. It was perhaps trying to get out. I moved the screen ever so slightly to where there was enough crack for it to fly outside. Blasphemy; the same flickering on and on for 15 minutes. This insect was TOYING with me! I still couldn't tell what it was, nor could I swat it. So I said to hell with it and tried to go back to sleep.

The flickering subsides, and I count as many countries as I can in my mind to be just bored enough to fall asleep. Stuck on Netherlands, I open my eyelids to find the thing sitting on the wall right in front of my face! The dirty evil Dutch people must have an influence! My heart racing, I grab my always-faithful petunia-in-a-can from under my bed and turn on the lights.

It's camping at the heat pipes right underneath my bed behind it. Alas, now I can get to it and have a chance at swatting it. But I'm nervous, agitated, sleepy, scared, and I'm generally clumsy when in this state of mind. I creep up to it. Yes, I spot it. But it's not as easy to reach as thought to be. It is moving erratically. I back away and come back a bunch of times. I move the bed away to have room for the kill. It flickers ever so closely to the pipes. My hunting tools - petunia-in-can, mini-broom, monthly planner - are by my side. It lands on the floor millimeters from the pipe. My chance to smash it with the daily planner is less than 10%. I go for the mini-broom and barely catch it. It walks about, confused. I spray it. All that does is push it away. I hit it with the mini-broom again this time catching it with one of the broom hairs. It is stuck in the mini-broom, but where? I hit the broom against the floor, the monster is loose on the floor yet seemingly dead. It looks like a brown beetle double the size of a normal internet emoticon: .

Looks like a June Bug:

I smack it with my daily planner and spread oozes of guts. What's next is even more intriguing...I go to sleep twitching. All is normal the next day.