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Landover Flies in Hundreds of Corpses From Turkey's Earthquake for This Year's Halloween Hell House
Landover Baptist Halloween History
Freehold, Iowa - October 1999 - Landover Baptist's "Hell House" is an outreach event that is structured very much like a typical haunted house that people visit and walk through. It is the only place on our 35 square miles of Church campus that unsaved people are welcome to visit since, after all, without the unsaved there would be no Hell in the first place.
Hell House capitalizes on the High Holiday of nonBaptists, Halloween (Hebrew for "Satan Ruleth") a time of year when the Devil celebrates the Fall of man and the rise of Catholicism, and when people have trickery in their hearts and Satan on their minds. Hell House is much more than a haunted house. It is a reality-based adventure that takes people on a 7-scene journey, each scene depicting the hell and destruction that Satan and His world bestow on those who choose to not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Personal Savior, submit to God's authority, join a Bible-based church, and participate in and financially support the Baptist faith. Hell House does not pretend to match the gruesomeness of God's own creation Hell, which, through thousands of years of practice has been so finely honed as a place of unimaginable, interminable human sufferings that it is impossible to duplicate its terrors without the special effects and DNA-realignments available only to the Lord Almighty Himself. But we at Landover can guarantee to sure scare the "Hell" into you -- and hopefully right back out of you -- anyway!
This year's Hell House at Landover will prove to be an unparalleled experience of horror. Real Corpses from Turkey's Earthquake that would have been wasted in mass graves, will frozen and delivered to Landover Baptist Church, to be used in the Godly purpose of winning souls! We intend to so traumatize people with images of death and Hell, that they will have no choice by to fall flat on their faces in the conversion tent and repent, get baptized and get their little Devil loving souls into church! Groups of 20-25 people will tour Hell House with their own personal demon acting as their tour guide. The 10 scenes each last 2-3 minutes (with the exception of one scene that now only lasts 30 seconds, in an effort to cut down on all the vomit we had to clean up between groups last year). The following list describes each scene briefly:
is a funeral scene of a teenage homosexual boy who has died of AIDS he caught from the ink on the book report graded by his pedophile homosexual Secular-History teacher. His disease-riddled body will be carried to the lake of fire by the Devil himself. Boils and blisters will pop realistic pus from the plague covered face of the sodomite child, while dysentery takes its horrible toll from his exploding buttocks, as he is placed into the lapping flames of eternal damnation. A band of cherubic angels suspended from the ceiling (provided by the kiddies at Landover Kindergarten) will look on, singing the Lord's praise for the Righteous Hand of Justice.
is a drunk-driving scene where a father realizes he has just killed his family. He will shoot himself in the head, just grazing his skull (splattering bits of bits of bloody skull on the windshield), and continue shooting bullets into his writhing drunk body until finally he lurches towards the on-lookers causing a spray of warm blood to spattered onto the unsaved crowd. Cackles of hellish laughter will be heard as the drunk's body goes limp and falls onto the floor.
Scene 3 will depict the real autopsy of a teen-suicide (We have flown in over 200 real corpses from morgues as far away as Istanbul for this event). The Christian doctor will pull the heart out of a each body and put it in a jar of formaldehyde labeled "Unsaved."
is a pre-teenage drug usage scene where everyone will be surprised who is really in control. The Devil will smoke marijuana with a 11 year old little girl. The girl will instantly become "stoned" and scream for the Devil to impregnate her with his unholy Spawn. Given the power of a gorilla by her evil drug, the little harlot will try to overpower the Beast and rape him, only to become violently ill and die of the all too familiar "marijuana overdose" like Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix before her!
is a riveting abortion scene. Satan will play the role of the Jewish doctor. As the fetus is sucked out of the woman's private area, the devil will open the bottle of bloody chunks and consume it. As the blood drips from the corners of his mouth, he will let out a Hellish burp! He will then smash the bottle on the floor, throw back his head, and let out a ghastly howl!
The final two scenes are hell and heaven.
In hell the Tour meets Satan himself. Hell will be hot, smoky, loud, visually disturbing, and sensually confusing. Satan will boast that everything they have witnessed in Hell House has been his handiwork, and that he will have their souls, too. They are then rescued out of hell by angels and Landover Deacons that escort them to heaven where they finally meet Jesus. But Jesus will turn to them in a loud echoy voice and proclaim for all the room to hear: "You think you have just seen the Hell that awaits you? Ha! Wait till you see what the Father, me and the Holy Ghost have REALLY cooked up for you! An eternity of torture so brutal it will make what you have just seen look like a little fairy picnic! And don't come crying to me when you get there! Landover Baptist gave you the chance to be saved and you never took it. Never even picked up a pre-printed tithing envelope conveniently located by each exit! Get thee Hence you unsaved worthless Sinners!
Before leaving heaven they are given the opportunity to pray a prayer of salvation, and to also visit or pray further with a counselor. If they refuse to accept Christ, they are forced back into Scene 6 where they will enter a hidden door into Scene 6b. In this scene they will witness a deranged lust-filled homosexual raping a live chicken. The chicken will then be be-headed, de-feathered, and cooked. The unrepentant souls will then be given the choice of eating the unholy chicken or going forward to scene 7. If they refuse to eat the chicken, there is another scene, Scene 6c. This scene is the reason for the medical waver forms that an individual must sign before entering Hell House. Unrepentant souls will be beaten and whipped until they confess Christ (come early for preferred seating on the other side of the two-way mirror to witness this miracle of faith). It is an unforgettable 20 minutes. For some, an unforgettable night.
Hell House is cutting edge, it is shocking, and it is offensive. But it God's Truth. What Satan and his entourage of demons inflict on people through the killing of innocent unborn babies is offensive to the real Christian. Convincing the naive and ignorant they are born gay and then sentencing them to a life of bondage and oppression is offensive to the true Christian. Teenagers influenced by the poison of negro music they listen to through their CD's, telling them over and over again that suicide is the escape they're searching for is offensive to the saved Christian. Letting society's message that casual drug use is something everybody does is offensive to the real Christian. That is why Hell House must be bold. Liberals are bold in Hollywood, so we must be bold as well.
Be assured, that before leaving this year's Landover Baptist Hell House, unsaved individuals will absolutely recognize their own emptiness and devastation, and will most certainly ask Jesus to be their Lord and Savior.